Dear Love Doctor

My Heart’s Not In My Revenge Relationship

Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).


I’m concerned that I’ve made a massive mistake by entering a rebound relationship as I wanted to hurt my ex-boyfriend.

We were together for a couple of years, but he didn’t want to settle down. I wanted commitment so we split up.

After six weeks I decided to teach him a lesson. I started dating a much older man who lacks looks. My heart’s not really in it. He’s very possessive and I am discovering that his character is unattractive.


I’m at a crossroads about my love life, and I don’t know which direction to go now. What’s your advice?

S, Kingston


Love Doctor’s Answer:

When we suffer a break-up there are three routes to take. Either finding time to heal, entering a revenge relationship or becoming a serial dater.

In this instance you have tried to boost your self-esteem by wanting to prove to your former lover what you could have been for you two.

Yes you are trying to get the feelgood factor by being desired, but if you have entered the relationship for the wrong reasons then it will only be temporary happiness.

Flitting from one romance to another means that you are not emotionally stable, and probably lacking in confidence as you want to show the outside world that you are worthy of love. You have simply swooped on someone who is vulnerable in order to eradicate the pain of your heartache from the break-up.

A meaningful relationship requires mutual respect, so that you can evolve as a couple and grow together. You are already showing that there’s no respect from you towards this man by stating his character is unattractive and criticising the way he looks.


Good character will never fade, only looks. You are not happy with either his looks or character, and already the cracks have shown because you are aware of his weaknesses.

Now is the time to be honest with yourself and decide about your future. Do you really need to be in a relationship because of peer pressure and your insecurity of being alone?

My advice is to have a frank discussion with this new man in your life, and ask him how he sees your future together. He may be after fun and frolics, and like your previous boyfriend is not committed. You need to know, as this is a good lever to break things off.

You need to be emotionally available to enter a loving relationship, not just aimlessly date the first man that has shown interest. You need to have the same goals and aspirations for the future, yet you sound as though you want to run away.

As you are already apprehensive of the relationship, it really doesn’t bode well to live happily ever after.

I suggest that you cool things down with him, see him less often, as your heart’s not in it. Absence can make the heart grow fonder and if you find that you are missing him by seeing him less then there’s a chance to gradually build up this new relationship and let it develop at a proper pace.

Should your ex-boyfriend remain in your heart and on your mind then it is best for you to contact him for closure by meeting up face-to-face, or to tell him that you would like another shot at a meaningful relationship.

Closure is important, otherwise it makes it tricky to move forwards romantically. Meet somewhere in public and be honest to him that you wanted commitment and explain that was why you walked away. He may surprise you with his response.

When you meet up there could still be the spark between you that initially attracted you in the first place. If not at least you’ll realise that the previous relationship just naturally came to a close, and can let sleeping dogs lie.


Moving forwards romantically is always going to be tricky. Ideally you should find happiness through your interests and hobbies before jumping into a rebound relationship. A failed romance is not going to be beneficial to you in the long-term, and you could repeat this scenario again and again like the hit movie Groundhog Day.

Being loved and desired in a happy relationship is the most wonderful feeling that anyone can experience. However, it needs some vital ingredients of compassion, honesty and trust to develop.

You have not been honest with yourself by rushing into another relationship, and this latest lover will be mortified that you are with him for the wrong reasons. You are wasting each other’s time.

Good communication is vital for any romance to develop, and it appears that you don’t have great communication with this new man in your life.

The more time you spend with this latest beau the more you are likely to see further weaknesses, until one day the relationship comes crashing down. Then you’re very likely to do exactly the same thing by bouncing carelessly into another relationship in trying to convince yourself and friends that you can find long-lasting love.

Slow down your relationship to see if it can work out or walk away and throw yourself into new experiences that you’ve not had time to indulge in when you were with your previous boyfriend. That’s definitely the best route for happiness, and when you’re feeling happy then people around you will be drawn towards you.

Being happy is paramount in life, and once you get your happiness back  then you will appear attractive to others. That’s when it is best to enter a meaningful relationship, and you can potentially live happily ever after.

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