How Do I Deal With My Jealous Partner?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’m getting really fed up that my boyfriend gets so jealous all of the time. It’s suddenly been getting out of control.
He gets moody for the smallest thing, and recently going out hasn’t been as enjoyable because he thinks men are eyeing me up.
I don’t dress to catch the eye, apart from in the dancehalls, and I’ve never been disloyal. I love him but after two years together this constant bad behaviour is upsetting me. What’s the solution?
F, Westmoreland
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Jealousy is often deep-rooted and can be triggered by small things, which is happening in your case.
This derives when we compare ourselves with others, and is often down to insecurity.
Virtually everyone gets jealous in a loving relationship. Women tend to focus on emotional jealousy, whereas for men it is usually about physical jealousy.
This can all be channelled into a positive part of a relationship. But it can be a dangerous aspect when there’s constant difficulty with trust because of intense feelings of jealousy.
I suggest that in a public place, like a coffee shop in a shopping mall, you try to tackle this issue and explain exactly why it’s making you feel so unhappy.
Try to be sympathetic because his jealousy must stem from somewhere. He may have experienced a jealous ex who gave him grief. You must establish whether he has a history of feeling jealous, and if so help him lay his demons to rest through positive communication and kindness.
There is only a real red flag if he hasn’t had jealousy issues in the past, because that means the problem is exclusively from your relationship. Should that be the scenario then to resolve this it is crucial to understand why he is so jealous.
Is it down to insecurity? If that is the reason then try to chat and reassure him. Let him know the reasons you love him. Tell him that he should have the confidence and belief that over time he can still garner your attention, interest and love. This could soon put any demons to bed forever.
Is it because of his overthinking? Brains that overthink generate unnecessary worries and often cause new anxieties. Consider offering him a massage every week, and buying some scented candles to help alleviate his obsessive worrying. His brain doesn’t need to hit overtime, instead guide him towards romance.
Is it due to negative thinking? Uncertainty could be unnerving him to cause anxiety and jealousy. If his mind creates negative answers, mainly dreamed up by him and created out of nothing, then this pattern needs to end over time. Talk about the positives by looking at photos of you together, remembering the good times and planning some exciting things to do.
The Jamaican adage of “negative energy is a waste of energy” comes into play. Concentrate on positive emotions to overcome any bad emotions like anger, frustration and jealousy within your partnership.
At the end of the day, for him to show signs of being constantly jealous is because he feels both threatened and fearful of losing you. Never tell him that one day he will lose you, nor threaten to break up, because those sort of unkind words will prove to be a setback.
Should you wish to turn this around then tell him that you are pleased that he is so passionately in love with you, which he has recently displayed by his jealousy. Reassure him that he has nothing to worry about your loving connection. Help him to appreciate that your relationship is stable and moving forwards.
If you can accept whatever the reasoning is for his attention-seeking behaviour and he is willing to adjust, then you have a healthy and loving romance.
However, if he won’t change and his behaviour continues to be unacceptable then you need to break up. There’s no point in being with someone who shows disdain and a lack of respect for you, because that will result in long-term unhappiness.
We only get one shot at life, and finding that seemingly elusive special someone is the most glorious feeling in the world. They may have flaws, we all have strengths and weaknesses, but it is how couples progress together and support each other that determines long-term compatibility.
If he shares your values, respects you and cares about you then you are loved and now need to let him know he is worthy of your love.
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