How Can I Improve Our Part-Time Relationship?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve been dating a new man since the start of the year, but suddenly he wants to do things with his friends on weekends instead of seeing me.
I’ve given him some space throughout June and this month by just seeing him on either a Friday or Saturday.
He’s now wanting to go on a hike alone across the island in the Blue Mountains. He got defensive when I said that it would be romantic for us to watch the sunrise over Kingston from the Blue Mountain Peak, so I’m wondering if he’s up to mischief.
B, Montego Bay
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Well at the start of any relationship there’s usually the honeymoon period, where the two of you are virtually inseparable and wish to spend as much time together as possible.
Anywhere from two months to two years can this honeymoon period fall flat, when at least one of you sees the flaws that weren’t initially noticeable.
Giving him space was a good move, and hopefully he started to miss you. However, you’ve allowed him to maintain this scenario of weekends primarily with friends rather than you, which is a bad move because this is a habit now.
In all honesty it sounds that he isn’t valuing you as he should. It appears that he believes you can play second fiddle while he goes out and has fun with his friends.
A loving relationship is a two-way street that requires commitment, honesty and trust. His commitment towards you appears to have waned since June, and unfortunately it is showing no signs of improving. Maybe he’s just stuck in his ways, which will never help him find true love.
Trust is something that you should obviously worry about, and usually that means that you’ve been stung in the past by someone hurting your heart.
You have two realistic options. Either confront him and explain that he’s not making you happy by letting you drift into a part-time relationship, or stop giving him your time and consider ending things.
He’s a man so unfortunately may simply not have considered your feelings. Having a man who understands you and reads you would be a perfect scenario but this is extremely rare. At least give him a chance to get things back on track once you’ve explained your feelings, but only if you wish to continue your partnership.
If he’s willing to listen to you and take action, then it means that you are going to have to start taking more control in this relationship. Maybe he’s a weak man and just requires a strong-willing woman. He’s more than likely to be totally oblivious to your feelings and needs unless you voice your concerns.
Put him straight about wishing to get things back to how they were, when you felt that the relationship was moving forwards. If he is adamant that he wants to continue to have fun with friends then you are effectively flogging a dead horse, because he’s not showing enough commitment to make this worthwhile.
You deserve someone who values you, so that together you can nurture the relationship. Otherwise you are going to continuously feel second best and frustrated.
If he won’t alter then it is definitely best to cut your losses, and one day he may realise that he has missed out on a loving lady because he was selfish.
On the other hand, if he backtracks and starts paying you the attention that you deserve then you two could find some harmony. This could be a springboard to long-term happiness.
Many men are like dogs, in that they are all over a lady like a rash at the beginning but then get a sniff of interest from another female so will pursue her. These types of men require discipline and training, in order to appreciate that you are the leader of the pack but will crave constant attention.
Just because he wishes to cross the island for a hike doesn’t necessarily mean he has another love interest, it could be that he’s simply thoughtless. If you can put up with his blasé attitude then that’s fine, but it sounds like you need a more romantic soul.
Your romance unfortunately sounds as though it’s flagging, so there are ways to spice things up. Offer to cook him a meal but ensure it is by candlelight and with aphrodisiac foods on the menu. Suggest watching sunsets together, catching a rom-com movie or pursuing an activity where there’s physical touch.
It sounds as though he is not too bothered about the relationship if he won’t give you his time, and if that’s the case then I would urge you to spend less time on him as it’s probably going to peter out.
If you begin to show less interest then either he’ll look to escape and move on with someone else, or it will jolt him and he’ll rethink how he can save the relationship by actually wanting a lasting romance.
At the end of the day you need to both want this partnership to work, so confront him about the short-term and long-term future so that you can determine where you stand rather than feel upset and unwanted.
All men should make a lady feel special, and he’s sadly doing the opposite.
It’s definitely best to speak up and see how he reacts, then you can make a decision as to whether this relationship has come to a natural closure or if you can salvage it by turning back time to when you were both happier and more committed.
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