Dear Love Doctor

Stuck In My Ways Is Costing Me Long-Term Love – Help Me Love Doctor

Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).


I am an older lady looking for a relationship but I really don’t wish to share my home with a potential suitor. This has been a barrier in the past with men that I have met in the cyber world, what should I do?

M, Kingston

Love Doctor’s Answer:

If you are determined to keep your independence yet will not share your abode with a partner, then it is time to consider why you will not compromise. Maybe you simply don’t ever wish to settle down. Or maybe you are waiting for your true Prince Charming.


Love Doctor MontiMature singletons tend not to have children to take care of, although often have their grandchildren every now and again. And some are fortunate enough to not have intense jobs to become heavily involved in.

Less juggling of responsibilities allows more leisure time, and this is when many get into a routine that they enjoy. So when embarking on a new relationship any disruption to their customary week spells disaster, so the partnership inevitably comes crashing down as there has been no compromising from at least one of them.

It largely depends on why you don’t wish to live together with someone that you desire for a long-term romantic relationship. Could you ever veer from these stringent rules that you have seemingly set? Or do you just seek a string of casual relationships rather than a potential marriage?

Should you meet a compatible man for a casual fling, then as long as you are both open and honest about your intentions then this will be fine. It is only when there are expectations of false promises that things could go pear-shaped.

My advice is to be crystal clear from the start. Whenever things start to progress with a man that you wish to spend time with romantically, then explain that you value your independence and give him examples – whether these are about spending time with friends and family, travelling, watching sports events or whatever your hobby is.

In this day and age it is acceptable for all ages to maintain their independence throughout a relationship. Those who have been divorced or widowed will arguably embrace being able to do what they want and when they want without having to consider their nearest and dearest.

Forming a truly loving relationship is all about what will work for both parties, as well as building the respect between you. However, if you want a full-on relationship it is time to appreciate that you may have to compromise.


You mention that the men you have met online have found it tricky to deal with the fact that you want a relationship yet will not share your home.

Maybe your digital dating profile is giving off the wrong vibes. I suggest that you ask close friends or even family members to give it the once over. Alternatively visit and get an online makeover for this.

If this is indeed sending out the wrong signals then you are making it difficult to connect and meet a potential Mr Right.

I am unsure how far down the line it gets before these men lose interest when you explain the future is living separately. Many men are like dogs in that they are only really interested in someone providing them with affection, food and sex.

If your recent experiences are not getting anywhere then you really need to change your approach.

I suggest that you should also consider any former beaus that you now believe may work out. It is easy enough to find out about people online in this digital age, especially with gentlemen because unlike most ladies they will have kept their surname.

Should you not be fearful of this approach then hunt down any men that you used to connect with, but for whatever reason it did not pan out.

Check their circumstances, because you certainly do not wish to be contacting married or engaged men. And do consider whether any of these gentlemen are friends with each other, as you don’t want to gain a bad reputation for just contacting lots of men.

There is nothing wrong about you getting in touch with these men if you are genuinely interested in them romantically. I am sure that if you approach just one at a time then some of these gentlemen will be thrilled that you reached out.


When you do meet up with any old flames, or men you had a crush on, then you need to build up the trust from the very first date. You must be open and honest by stating that you should discuss past partners down the line, which demonstrates that you have nothing to hide. As long as he is in favour of this then it should be smooth sailing on the second and third dates.

Men who are single simply love attention from ladies. Women are not so emotionally needy, because they are most likely to be able to discuss matters with their friends.

Yet when we reach a more mature age, there is usually a larger pool of single ladies compared to single men. It is the men who tend to be keen to form a new long-term relationship, which is why your reluctance to sharing your home is such a turn-off for many.

The majority of older gentlemen will be keen to find a partner to settle down with. While ladies, like yourself, tend to describe themselves as “fussy” and “picky” for the simple reason that they enjoy their independence so will not compromise unless it truly is “the one”.

Yet in reality, meeting someone that you are 100% compatible with over the age of 50 is particularly tricky as this age bracket and above soon find themselves set in their ways.

Molding ourselves to form a solid partnership is never going to be easy, yet as we get older this becomes much more difficult.

My advice is to try to start meeting men organically. Instead of online dating with virtual strangers, who are generally serial dating anyway so will not truly value you, ask friends or family who they envisage you to be with in a serious relationship.

Once they describe someone who sounds good to you, ask them if they know anyone that fits that description who they could set up on a blind date. If they don’t then ask them to keep their eyes peeled. You would be pleasantly surprised how many people love to play matchmaker, so do be patient.

Alternatively, when you are in public places – coffee shop, sports arena, supermarket etc – then make the move by starting a conversation. Men, who are visual creatures, love the attention of a lady that has caught their eye. So if single, please always check their finger for no wedding ring, a man can easily be putty in your hands.

Once you start the conversation rolling for the first time you will never find approaching a man overwhelming. It is certainly less mentally exhausting than the minefield of dating websites.


It is acceptable for a confident lady to approach a stranger, but you need to read the body language and his attire to see if he available. This can include whether he obviously needs a woman’s touch. You should be able to establish from your first few exchange of words whether he is interested or not.

This process of putting yourself out there through friends and family, and/or by initiating conversation with strangers, means you are looking in different arenas to those that have previously failed.

And if Mr Right does turn up, you may even one day be able to compromise enough to share a home together and live happily ever after.

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