Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
My long-term boyfriend and I split up in January, but he persists in staying in touch and sending me photos of himself.
I remain heartbroken as I wanted to eventually marry him. Even though I’ve asked why he keeps sending me selfies he still does.
I’m really, really cut up about our broken relationship. I know that he began dating again last month. Should I cut all ties?
Love Doctor’s Answer:
A relationship that ends is never easy to get over, and there’s always going to be something to remind you of your former partner — including gifts that he bestowed on you.
Having split up for so long, and for him to have now moved on, means that you need to start eradicating him from your mind. Otherwise you’ll never find a suitable replacement.
He may be dating again, but obviously she’s not as special as you otherwise he wouldn’t remain in contact. The fact that he’s sending you selfies is probably because he doesn’t want you to forget him.
He’s most likely hedging his bets, keeping you sweet in the background as he knows that what you had was a unique and true love. His latest squeeze could turn out to be his future wife, but at the moment he’s not showing her much respect by sending you photos.
A man who wants to be greedy enough to have his cake and eat it is certainly someone to be avoided. He may well have done exactly the same thing when you started dating, by sending his former girlfriend photos until he realised how special you were to him.
You can ask some close friends to check his social media accounts to see if he is still dating. It’s ill-advised to do it yourself, because that’s just painful to see someone that you probably still love with another partner.
If he is all loved up and smiling, then yes I think it would be best to gradually begin to cut down on all of your communication with him. You don’t want to be seen as the person in the wrong, who could be potentially ending his current relationship.
Although it sounds like you would be happy waiting in the wings for this relationship to end, do you really want to settle for a return of a former love or are you ready to move on? Only you can decide this.
Suffering the pain of you no longer having your soulmate, coupled with the lost passion you once had, is understandably going to take time when a long-term relationship is suddenly halted.
It’s never easy to get over loving someone, and often takes up to three years as your emotions go on a rollercoaster ride similar to grieving. Yet there will be a time when you let that former love go and you are ready to move forward.
The character you show from bouncing back will make you stronger emotionally, and you shouldn’t just enter a relationship for the sake of it or to prove to him that you are loveable.
I suggest that next time he sends you a photo to be direct. Let him know that you are dealing with the pain caused by the breakup, so you would rather no longer receive photos from him as it cuts deeply. Wish him well for the future and be as civil and polite as possible without revealing anything about yourself.
Being mysterious will make you more intrigued. He’ll only be truly happy if she’s really an upgrade for him.
So don’t go all mushy on him, don’t reveal that you love him (if you still do) and don’t let him hurt you by the fact that he’s now dating another lady. Of course your loss is another woman’s gain.
If you truly love someone then you should always be happy for them, whether they are with you or someone else. That’s a sure sign that you genuinely loved them if you aren’t jealous of their romantic situation, just pleased that they are happy. Not many people are able to feel like that towards their ex.
The best thing to do when you are ready to start halting your communication is to simply send a message that states “Hopefully, should you ever be single again, our paths will cross by chance x”.
He’ll get the right vibes and realise that should fate bring you back together then you wouldn’t be opposed to it, rather than needlessly bombarding you with selfies to try to prove his worth. He’s most likely to start sending fewer messages, which will start to ease the pain you are suffering.
Utilise this time as a singleton to your advantage, by considering ways for self-improvement (the way you look, taking up new hobbies etc) and trying to think how you can make your next loving relationship even better than the last one.
Finding the purity of true love can be amazing and beautiful. However, it requires commitment, solid communication, respect and trust to last the course.
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