How Do I Finally End My Doomed Romance?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve been dating for three years, but it feels like we’re going through the motions slowly but surely.
I’ve wanted to end things for the past 12 months, as we’ve been more like brother and sister with no romance.
How do I break up with him without causing confrontation and heartache?
Gale, Ochi
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It sounds like your honeymoon period is well and truly over as you state that there’s no more sparks.
If neither of you are particularly looking forward to spending time together, and the flirting has deserted the two of you, then it’s definitely time to draw a line under your relationship.
If you are continuing to say ‘I love you’ to each other for the sake of it, but don’t mean it, then you are truly kidding yourselves.
Acting flirtatious is something that keeps the romance bubbling, but without this then it will peter out and develop into just being friends. This is exactly what has occurred for you and sometimes love hurts.
Until you are ready to have a heart to heart talk, when you can both establish the situation, then you need to avoid just going through the motions. What tends to happen, when you both realise that your relationship is on the rocks and you no longer talk much, is that couples just end up having sex instead of their previous passionate love making.
This shouldn’t be an obligation, and seeing each other needs to come to an abrupt end sooner rather than later.
You can either be courageous and suggest meeting somewhere in public, when you can feel comfortable in revealing that you think it’s time to call it a day. Or end it all via a handwritten letter, as breaking up via text or email isn’t very respectful.
I suggest that you try to tackle this in person, and then you won’t feel guilty when he you see how he reacts. His body language should tell you how much he may be relieved by your news. It doesn’t sound as though it will be the bombshell you anticipate.
Some relationships just come to a natural closure, and in your case it has run its course. You may have each felt that there was something special initially, but neither of you need to waste any more time and affection.
If you want to let him down gently, then follow the basic rule of the two-one approach. This means that you give him two positive pieces of information before you deliver the knockout punch. You’ll be able to soften the blow by employing this method.
So have a think before you meet what lovely things you can say, before you tell him that you no longer feel connected to him in the way that loving couples appear to be connected.
Say that you’ve been thinking for a while that you aren’t the one for him, and have had to reluctantly accept this fact as the very thought of spending forever together truly terrifies you.
Tell him that you’ve been thinking of spreading your wings without him, and then mention something that you would genuinely like to do such as getting a new hobby, studying or travelling. That way he’s unlikely to try to persuade you to reconsider as you have future plans.
Reiterate that you’ll miss him, but want to see him happy like he was when you first dated. It might feel awkward, but try explaining that you can see him with someone very different to you that will ultimately make his life complete.
Finally, explain how much you will treasure your time spent together and thank him for the memories. Then it’s sit back and listen to what he’s got to say, but don’t allow him to try to alter your decision because you don’t want to continue eking out this seemingly doomed partnership.
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