Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I’m frustrated as I believe that I’ve created a caricature of myself by being bubbly, curvy, showing plenty of flesh and choosing to be blonde to try to stand out from the crowd.
I start dating and men tell me that they love my dyed blonde hair. Then they alter after a few weeks leaving me alone again. Post-COVID I really want to settle down rather than keep on dating for a maximum of a month at a time. Why can’t I find someone long-term?
F, St. Ann
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Love hurts and to be honest it sounds like you are stinking of desperation, which will be conveyed and send alarm bells to any potential suitors.
Instead of becoming someone that you aren’t, by trying to stand out from the crowd with your look, then be yourself. In the long run the real you will shine through.
To any red-blooded man then your description will excite them, but only for a short while until the novelty wears off. This is because you are not a true catch by portraying yourself as someone that you clearly are not.
Men may well be easily swayed by looks, as we are visual creatures, but after a while we use all of the information to delve deeper than looks.
Generally speaking the initial three seconds of meeting is when there can potentially be a spark of mutual attraction, and with your look that is what you are aiming for – a quick result.
But you require a stronger connection, which is why your relationships are over almost as quickly as they started.
Over a short period of time we can ignore any flaws, yet men are not as stupid as women believe when it comes to romance. Men slowly gather information about a lady over time, and gradually peel off the layers to discover more about their potential love interest.
At the end of the day a strong relationship is all about a connection, which doesn’t need to be instant, and finding a common interest to keep the mutual attraction going.
The faster you dive into skipping romance and going straight to the bedroom for passion, then the quicker the relationship is likely to come crashing down with a thud. It sounds as though this is the case for you.
True love comprises loving someone affectionately to start with. The relationship should slowly but surely develop into romance, before that vital ingredient of love-making (rather than sex) secures a loving and possibly long-term relationship.
When you build a house then to ensure that it will last you build the foundations, and the same goes for relationships. Build the foundations first then gradually let the romance blossom.
Where you are making a major mistake is by looking in the wrong ponds, because you are dressing to impress the sort of man who is only after a good time. To be blunt, you are kissing a lot of frogs who turn out to be toads rather than find your ultimate prince charming.
You have a choice now. If you wish to continue portraying yourself as this blonde seeking fun ‘n’ frolics then you will need to have a big think as to whether you are trying to kid yourself or reinvent yourself.
If you are finding that your desire is to always get straight to the bedroom in a new relationship, then you should reconsider your approach. You need to definitely not sleep with any man you date for at least two months, so that they can start to know you and a decent romance blooms.
Yet should you desperately need rumpy-pumpy then you can either resist, or find someone or something to fulfil your needs. If you choose to find a friend with benefits, then I would advise you that you are best to turn back the clock and ask an ex who you know will 100% not get jealous. But it is vital for you to inform him that this is just a short-term fix for a maximum of three months.
A friend with benefits relationship will at least keep you out of mischief with your potential suitor. I would imagine that if you believe your romance is with that seemingly elusive someone special, who you have resisted for months, then your friends with benefits fun will swiftly fizzle out.
Alternatively, reinvent yourself again and look at the sort of man you are seeking for a proper loving relationship.
Keep your eyes peeled at what sort of man attracts you and why. Look at his attire, his interests and consider where he hangs out. You need to dress to impress these sorts of gentlemen, so alter your look and accessories accordingly. There is no need to splash the cash, nor to pretend to be someone that you are not.
Instead of wearing bright colours and trying to be the centre of attention, tone it down to become more sophisticated. Lose the tight clothes and any attire that highlights you showing too much flesh as well as drop the bling bling and super strong perfume.
If you know where the sort of single men you desire are going to be hanging out, then I urge you to go with a female friend to check them out. On your first visit just take in what the women are wearing and how they are conducting themselves. Can you comfortably become not too dissimilar to these ladies without changing your personality?
The way forward for you can take very different paths, depending on your choices. Yet ultimately you need to believe in your own destiny and cut your cloth accordingly.
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