Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I have been seeing my lady for virtually six months, but we have never got intimate and she has never been to mine.
I think these two things are related. But how do I overcome the obstacle of getting her to visit me as she keeps on refusing? I suspect she thinks I want to get jiggy.
Marshall, Halfway Tree
Love Doctor’s Answer:
When a couple are romantically interested in each other then arguably one of the most important signs is physical contact, which cements your love for each other.
This lady appears not to be investing much into your relationship, as it seems you are not high on her list of priorities. You therefore have to consider whether this is a slow burner or whether she simply does not appreciate your loving.
However, maybe because of the ongoing COVID issues she wishes to wait before you take the next step in a relationship. Sex is an important part of any loving relationship, but is best not to be rushed into.
You did not mention the distance between your respective abodes, so maybe for her to reach you is not as simplistic as you imagine. Yet you mention that she has refused to visit you, and that you believe this is possibly down to her not wishing to get intimate.
Try to properly reading her body language and signals. My advice is to pay more attention to these when you next meet, and then invite her to yours for a romantic dinner for St. Valentine’s.
The most romantic day of the year is where you should be concentrating your actions, but keep your thoughts away from bedroom antics and instead woo her the good old-fashioned way. Do not forget to reiterate the fact that you are cooking because of the pandemic problem, and stress that it will be romantic just the two of you. Find out her favourite foods so that she knows you are genuine and do not just wish to get your wicked way.
If you can show this lady how important she is by pulling out all the stops for a romantic meal on 14 February then you should be able to rescue this relationship. However, you need to prove to her that you are genuine, and also ensure that you listen because listening skills are vital in a loving partnership.
Should she refuse to come to your home then pose the question why? You should be able to get a straight answer out of her, but must have a back-up plan to wine and dine her elsewhere. You can always have some Champagne on ice at yours so can use that to potentially coax her back to your home after dinner, as long as you point out that you will ensure she safely gets home that evening. She needs to know that you are not tricking her for your own selfish reasons.
Alternatively, if the signals she is sending out indicate something untoward then you must understand that she is either playing a game or she is just not that much into you.
If your relationship is feeing too casual, then explain that you want to get to know her more and discuss how she would like to move forward. Ask to see where she grew up and where she lives, then you can also suggest showing her where you grew up and where you live.
You need to lay your cards on the table and find out whether she does not have time for a serious relationship with you or whether she is not 100 percent into you as a couple.
Maybe she has issues from previous relationships and needs space. Time is the only healer for a broken heart, and you need to reiterate that you do not wish to rush your potential long-term relationship because you respect her.
Yet there is a danger that she will begin phasing out your partnership by giving you more space, messaging you less and so forth.
People do not appreciate what they have until it is gone, so should she step back then whatever happens do not become like an excited puppy and be all over her. Instead show some grace and patience by mirroring her stance. The more you chase her the faster she will run, but if you let her take the reins and she is keen on establishing a full-on relationship then hey presto she will show her eagerness over time.
You have to steer this relationship, through solid communication and romantic gestures, until you are both on the same page.
Should this not occur then you may well find that she has been chatting to at least one other man and letting your partnership drift by ‘monkey branching’. It is certainly best to find out now than be given such an horrendous surprise in another six months.
I suggest that if you can continue your relationship without any sudden shocks, then you need to up the ante as far as physical contact is concerned so that she will one day feel it is appropriate to get intimate.
Constant touching such as holding hands, playful taps, putting your arms around her, resting your hands on each other’s legs and so forth will help to lay down the foundations of getting physically closer. Should she back off from these and her body stiffens then you will realise that she is not interested, and you really do need to consider moving on rather than wasting your time.
Do not smother her with affection, but understand that these are stressful times we live in and there could be a plethora of reasons for why she has chosen not to get intimate. You definitely need to open the channels of communication to find out what has happened in her life to make her so sexually unapproachable.
Once you have established the scenario then you can take the necessary actions. However, if you have been all over her like a rash and constantly available to chat and/or catch up with her then she will consider you as low value, and less attractive overall, compared to when you first met.
If she deems you to be that seemingly special someone and the initial spark remains then she will not run away or remove herself from your life, she will there for the long haul and she will expect you to be patient with her.
If you want this lady to value you then you are going to have to briefly step back to allow her to chase you, as generally men undertake 80 percent of the chasing but ladies need to undertake the additional 20 percent. Once she values you then it is only a matter of time before she gets more affectionate towards you, which should ultimately lead to being intimate.
A long-lasting relationship is built on the couple able to love each other romantically, affectionately and sexually. You need all three of these ingredients to make this partnership work. Firstly open those communication channels so you can decide whether you need to up your game or move on.
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