How Do I Escape The Hurt Of My Heavy Drinking Partner Who Keeps Dumping Me? – Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I am struggling so much over my on-off boyfriend. I cannot get my head around why he says he loves me so much yet dumps me out of the blue and goes drinking afterwards for days before he comes back into my life.
He gets doubts over our relationship and dumps me, then goes off drinking heavily. The effects are huge on me as each time he leaves my body shuts down and I cannot eat, I suffer sleepless nights and I cry all of the time.
At the moment it still feels as though he is the only man on Earth, what should I do?
Nina, St Ann
Love Doctor’s Answer:
His erratic behaviour is clearly upsetting you emotionally, which can lead to health issues for you. My advice is to have a careful think about both the short-term and long-term consequences each time he returns into your life following his bouts of excess drinking.
When you are dating an addict it is natural to want to be helpful and protective towards them. However, sometimes this form of kindness can be detrimental as you are effectively feeding the monster so to speak. That means you are not doing yourself, nor him, any favours. Unless something dramatically changes then you will only experience a repeat of this scenario each and every time.
We are all getting older, and men particularly – as they are visual creatures – are liable to trade their partner in for a younger model. This is something to bear in mind as every time he disappears he could be meeting ladies to fulfil his needs, and these are likely to be younger women than you that he is giving his attention to.
I strongly suggest that as you are clearly heartbroken, and there seems to be an unhealthy pattern in your relationship, to draw a line under this topsy turvy partnership. If you have had to lie for him or loaned him money because you are protecting him too much then you will find yourself in turmoil down the line.
By allowing him to return like a yo-yo then you are not doing him any favours, and his respect for you has totally evaporated. Without respect in a relationship you have absolutely nothing, and it is your self-esteem that is taking such a severe knock.
If you are so focused on your drink addicted on-off man that you do not find time to see family, friends and work colleagues socially then you know that the answer is for you to dump him for good. He is toying with your emotions and good nature to keep returning into your arms, and it appears that he does not care about you deep down as you tolerate his unacceptable behaviour.
You are entitled to a life and not be his go-to lady as and when he fancies. By allowing him to dictate everything and then suffering is no good. You are constantly allowing your partner’s desires, needs and problems to override yours, and unfortunately this scenario leaves you without self respect.
And that ultimately, should he one day vanish out of your life forever, will sadly leave you unattached and unattractive to others until you can rebuild your confidence.
You are clearly ignoring your own needs. Now is the time for a long, hard look at the reality of this situation and to take appropriate action to embrace life in order to find happiness and the sort of love that you richly deserve.
You may be tempted to stay with him through pity. Yet the facts are, despite you being a good Samaritan, the harsh reality is that deep down you feel worthless solely because of this man. You will therefore believe that you cannot attract someone else romantically, which partly accounts for why your body is shutting down and you end up crying.
He is pressing his own self destruct button. If he truly loves you then he would not keep parting ways before returning to selfishly suit his own needs and desires.
Overall you are making matters worse by always being readily available each time he snaps his fingers. Why should you constantly pick up the pieces when he deeply hurts you emotionally each time he dumps you?
Time is the only healer for a broken heart, but we only get one shot at life and unless you get out there to meet others will allow this man to tread all over you time after time.
Ian Fleming, the James Bond author, wrote in his Quantum of Solace novel: “I think it’s the same with all the relationships between a man and a woman. They can survive anything so long as some kind of basic humanity exists between the two people.
“When all kindness has gone, when one person obviously and sincerely doesn’t care if the other is alive or dead, then it’s just no good.”
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