God always has a better plan. Every weakness we have is an opportunity for God to show His strength in our lives.
One thing is certain, when it finally reveals itself, the future is never the way we imagined it. Yes, horrible things do happen, but knowing you’re not going to die from those feelings, that’s the point. I wanted to die though. When the relationship that I spent years building ended, all I thought about was taking my life.
I have learnt that sometimes our hope is destroyed only to prepare us for something better. It’s scary to reveal everything about ourselves. Fear makes us hold ourselves back- is that so wrong? Maybe, Probably. When you can’t remember why your hurt, that’s when you’re healed.Today I will share my story.
It has been almost two decades but I remember the events so clearly. I forgave him but I will never forget. I remember looking at my daughter days for after my failed relationship and broke down crying each time. I did what I thought was best for her at the time. I allowed my mom to take care of her, while I tried to work on getting myself back.
I had a career but I was young and gullible. I knew if I loved someone and it fell apart, I might not make it. I lost over thirty pounds in four weeks. I had to seek counseling. Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life. The process of healing does not end when the wounds are no longer visible. It ends when the wounds no longer ache. Never get even with the person. Get healed! Some relationships aren’t worth the effort or time. Rejection was my release. It took me a while to realise.
Looking back, I thought everyone at my job was going to talk about me and that was my biggest fear. I figured everyone in the community was going to stare and this would be a burden for me. God sometimes lets the dignity get knocked out of you so He can deliver you. He will wreck your plans when He sees your plans are about to wreck you. You may not see the good in it right now, but you will. Did my co-workers talk about me? I don’t know. They were all supportive. In fact it was then I knew the extent of his cheating.
Sometimes we only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much the lies start to seem like the truth. I transferred to another hospital. My life felt like it didn’t fit me anymore, and I just wanted to tear it all down and start over.
I stopped thinking about what was going to happen, and started to focus on what was right in front of me. My precious daughter, who makes everyday, seem like the perfect day. A brilliant girl who is aspiring to be a Cardio-Thoracic surgeon. Without the pain of our past we won’t find our purpose. Too often, I’m told, the thing we want the most is the thing we can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken. I settled in a new parish. I felt free. No one knew my story. But things got rough. Moving to a whole different place can do that to you and being a single mom made it even worse. Most of my pay went to day and night care for my daughter since I worked on shifts. I remember one day I was so broke and I only had fifty dollars.Thirty five dollars for my fare to go check the bank to get my pay and the fifteen dollars to buy a tin of mackerel to cook some bananas. My daughter was only one year old.
When I bought the mackerel I thought she would eat some of the food. She had a little but she wanted her formula. I had no money to buy same. I boiled some lime leaf tea hoping she would drink it. She looked at the bottle and went to sleep. That night I cried. Because my daughter had to go to bed hungry. I called her dad begging him to put if only five hundred dollars in my account because I had no money. His first statement was that he heard that I am building my house. I reminded him it was via NHT, he hissed his teeth and hung up. I tried calling back, he never answered.
He never once helped with her and she is about to enter university. I had to be a mother and father to her. Once she held my hand and said, ‘If you were like him, just left me for dead. What would happen to me ?’
I promised myself to never speak evil of him around her. I do believe she would have come to know exactly who he was. She did! A person playing a role will eventually forget their lines. Pay attention, the act can’t go on forever. No one warns you about the amount of mourning in growth. The pain is for a purpose. I cried many more nights after begging God to never let me have to be in that situation where I needed to ask him for money.
There came a point where it all became too much. When we get tired to fighting, I got the opportunity to go away to work. I took it. I am making the best of it. I have not gotten a penny from him since even though he also live in another country as well.
My daughter is happy and healthy and that’s enough. A few months from now I will be graduating with a doctorate. Failure is inevitable, unavoidable, but failure should never get the last word. You have to hold on to what you want. I know who I am again. I’ve had to give up things, but I’ve learned that I don’t need much to be happy. Sometimes, the key to making progress is to recognise how to take that very first step.
Then you start your journey. God often isolates before He elevates. He has to prepare you for your season. It may seem like you lost friendships and relationships but they cannot go with you in your new season. Breakups hurt, but losing someone who doesn’t respect and appreciate you, is a gain, not a loss.
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