Why I Pretend to Know Usain Bolt
I’m a Jamaican currently residing in Japan. Five times out of ten, my conversations in Japan will go like this:
THEM: You American?
ME: Jamaican.
THEM: Jamaica in Africa?
ME: No. Jamaica in Jamaica.
(
The Caribbean.
(Blank stare)
Usain Bolt.
THEM: Ooooooohhhhh!!!! Ahhhhh!!!! Bolto! Bolto!
Yup, Bob Marley may have placed Jamaica’s name on the map, but Bolto as the Japanese call him, is making darn sure the world keeps chanting her name.
I realized there was a huge fascination with Bolto, the first day I arrived on Japanese soil. I cleared customs and walked into blinding lights, huge cameras, animated voices screaming my name and a mic being thrust into my face.
Well — it didn’t quite happen like that.
There were three of them. All men. All Japanese. One held a camera, one a mic and the other served as a translator. I was the only black girl who cleared customs so they didn’t need to see Gaijin (Japanese word for a foreigner) printed on my forehead to approach.
My interviewer’s name was Kentaro and his television show on channel 2 was called, ‘Why did you come to Japan?’ He apologized via his translator for bothering me and asked to interview me about —- yup, you guessed it — why I came to Japan.
His first question: Where are you from?
I was like —–Seriously? Don’t you see the flag on my face?
That’s what I said in my head. My mouth gave a one word response:
Jamaica.
I kid you not, that’s all it took for the conversation to change to Bolto. He totally forgot the name of his programme and spent the entire five or so minutes asking me about Jamaica, sports and Usain Bolt.
I again answered the ‘Where are you from?’ question when purchasing my bus ticket and almost instantly, there were chants of Bolto.
Then, the most amazing thing happened. Missy dropped my fare from 3200 ¥ and told me she would give me a foreigner’s discount of 2200 ¥.
Now, people who live in Japan know you get nothing free. I promise you, if you’re short a yen, just put back your groceries and get out! They don’t play with their money.
So, when she decreased my fare, I realized I was onto something.
Now, I don’t wait for people to ask where I am from. I introduce myself:
I’m Keisha from Jamaica.
And, when they ask:
You know Bolto?
I say:
Yes! Yes!
Some days we’re friends — some days he’s my distant cousin by my aunty Sonya’s side — I was even his girlfriend one time.
At my job, everyone knows I live 5 minutes away from him.
Technically, this is NOT a lie!!
Ravinia is a mere 10 or 15 minutes away from Norbrook.
Plus, everyone knows in Jamaica everywhere is around the corner, as you turn the bend, beside the big Guava tree near to Ma’as Busha shop.
Now, people, before you judge me, please note that I am not at fault here.
Jamaica is a big, little country. Why ask me if I know Usain Bolt and force me to lie? I don’t go around asking them if they know Kei Nishikori.
And, I’ve tried to stop lying, but they keep giving me things when I say I know him. So far, knowing Bolt has gotten me half price on bus fare, free chocolates, half price on food, tomatoes, sweet peppers, invites to various temples/festivals, tomatoes, free lunch, cookies — did I say tomatoes?
I was having a good run too, but last week this bright eyed little boy handed me his mother’s phone and chanted:
‘Call him! Call him!’
Without batting an eyelid I told him.
‘In training. World Championships. Cannot be disturbed.’
Then I quickly walked away to shouts of:
‘When? When call? When call?’
I did not even look back and I sincerely hope I never see that lil imp again.
Listen guys, I know I need to stop, but, who on earth will tell him that some girl halfway around the world is claiming to know him just so she can get free stuff? I doubt anyone would want to jinx it for me — right?

Check out Keisha’s blog HERE and Like her Facebook Page HERE
I know Bolt…..mek mi call him fi you……Usain….pon deck….cho….him inna training…soon come now. lol
Girl Usain has a lot of ‘cousins’…my mom lives is the US and her patients ask her all the time about Bolt so she tells them they are related 😀
Girl Usain has a lot of ‘cousins’…my mom lives is the US and her patients ask her all the time about Bolt so she tells them they are related 😀
DWL. This is really good. I enjoyed reading your article.
DWL. This is really good. I enjoyed reading your article.
Lol….thaz funny….no blaming here….
Lol….thaz funny….no blaming here….
u made me lol to hiccups
wat else could u do n burst there bubble noway
u made me lol to hiccups
wat else could u do n burst there bubble noway
Lol. This is hilarious. I love it.
Lol. This is hilarious. I love it.
lol… love this. Hope you share more soon
lol… love this. Hope you share more soon
I don’t wrong u, we all related to him. Distant cousin the linkage mix up lol
I don’t wrong u, we all related to him. Distant cousin the linkage mix up lol
Hilarious. Keep writing like this. You’re talented.
Hilarious. Keep writing like this. You’re talented.
Always sey every Jamaican is my cousin
Always sey every Jamaican is my cousin
I did meet the man as his ex gf once lived across from us in pembroke hall. I know him before beijing 2009 … Anyways. I went for an autograph after the 9.67 record to prove to my friends In prep school that I actually met him.
I did meet the man as his ex gf once lived across from us in pembroke hall. I know him before beijing 2009 … Anyways. I went for an autograph after the 9.67 record to prove to my friends In prep school that I actually met him.
M’neven a laugh,, yuh mek mi name girl,,,, the smile,,, pan mi face stuck,,, behave yuhself…
Love it!
I live in Germany and I am popular because I am from Jamaica. Everybody knows about Bolt. I have to answer questions about him all the time. We are friends. I have him on Facebook…….Well, his fan page.
LOL this has me dying in the office…i can’t stop laughing , so a lady came up to me asking what’s going on since i don’t laugh much. .my answer went like this my cousin Usain just called me telling me something …woeeeee
DWL! Too funny!
Can’t stop laughing!! Lol long may your free gifts continues and maybe one day you will do get to talk to Usain Bolt!! Good Luck as long as you are Jamaican we are all family…L ol
Lol, Love it! We are all family here in Jamaica hon 😀
This literally made my day!
I love this blog! Very funny and well written.
I love this blog! Very funny and well written.
You are sooooo funny. My pastor had said they are cousins. Just a joke. You see he is 6′ 11. So i guess thats why. I love this article. Keep it up.
You are sooooo funny. My pastor had said they are cousins. Just a joke. You see he is 6′ 11. So i guess thats why. I love this article. Keep it up.
Funny!
Funny!
Very funny ..
Very funny ..
Lol!!!!! Love this! I am a Vincentian and Bolt is my cousin too! After all we are from the same region!
Lol!!!!! Love this! I am a Vincentian and Bolt is my cousin too! After all we are from the same region!
I am not from JA but that shit is funny as hell hahaha
I am not from JA but that shit is funny as hell hahaha
Girl 2 funny! I
was laughing out reading this you made my day
Girl 2 funny! I
was laughing out reading this you made my day
dwl.. thats was hilarious
dwl.. thats was hilarious
Sooooo fuhnny! I really enjoyed this!
Sooooo fuhnny! I really enjoyed this!
Mi know him to…. lol! as a mata a fact, mi an him use to go a d same church…. lol!! thats how close we were….
A wanda if dem would reduce mi school fee a bit… Dwl!!
OMG you didn’t!
OMG you didn’t!
LMAOOOOO!!
LMAOOOOO!!
love it.. and of course you know him. haha
love it.. and of course you know him. haha
Quite funny….nice read!
Quite funny….nice read!
Nicely written. And you’ll be happy to note that I’m reading this as a result of it being retweeted on Bolt’s Twitter account. And he didn’t deny you so yug good. Just mek sure yuh sen him some of the free tomatoes.
Nicely written. And you’ll be happy to note that I’m reading this as a result of it being retweeted on Bolt’s Twitter account. And he didn’t deny you so yug good. Just mek sure yuh sen him some of the free tomatoes.
Nice one fi real Jamaica everybody know everybody respect
Nice one fi real Jamaica everybody know everybody respect
Absolutely brilliant writing…….Keisha I love it !!!!!
Absolutely brilliant writing…….Keisha I love it !!!!!
I love this article
I love this article
Absolutely love this, very entertaining to the end. Your popularity has quadrupled as the legend himself tweeted your blog lol. Got to love Usain Bolt!!!
Absolutely love this, very entertaining to the end. Your popularity has quadrupled as the legend himself tweeted your blog lol. Got to love Usain Bolt!!!
Lol.. Hilarious.. I’ll do the same.
Lol.. Hilarious.. I’ll do the same.
Happened to me in Korea..They asked me if I knew him and Bob Marley..lol. Could relate to this completely..In the market, I was Miss Jamaica and the dude would do the lightning bolt pose everytime he saw me ..Walk good.x
Happened to me in Korea..They asked me if I knew him and Bob Marley..lol. Could relate to this completely..In the market, I was Miss Jamaica and the dude would do the lightning bolt pose everytime he saw me ..Walk good.x
Hilarious
Hilarious
You on to something gyal lol keep it up
You on to something gyal lol keep it up
You on to something gyal lol keep it up
ROFL Mi nuh blame yuh…lol funny story doe. Enjoyed reading it.
ROFL Mi nuh blame yuh…lol funny story doe. Enjoyed reading it.
This was quite entertaining to read. Loved every minute of it.
This was quite entertaining to read. Loved every minute of it.
I don’t blame you mek sure u keep up the good job. This is freaking hilarious, I laughed so hard. I will give you a free night stay next time your in Brooklyn NY. It’s a private house with 2 bedroom, gym open kitchen and bathroom, living and dining room. For pictures and booking Check us out on Facebook at Vacation Rental in Brooklyn New York it’s located 22mins from Barclay’s Center and 15mins from JFK airport. It’s a spacious home away from home.
I don’t blame you mek sure u keep up the good job. This is freaking hilarious, I laughed so hard. I will give you a free night stay next time your in Brooklyn NY. It’s a private house with 2 bedroom, gym open kitchen and bathroom, living and dining room. For pictures and booking Check us out on Facebook at Vacation Rental in Brooklyn New York it’s located 22mins from Barclay’s Center and 15mins from JFK airport. It’s a spacious home away from home.
Funny u should have a pic of u and him taken when ur in ja and just show them on ur phone when they ask u in the future.
Funny u should have a pic of u and him taken when ur in ja and just show them on ur phone when they ask u in the future.
I don’t blame you at all, last week I was in Guyana and could I stop lying.. Smh knowing bolt is a a plus.. Jamaican + knowing bolt = superstar treatment lool
I don’t blame you at all, last week I was in Guyana and could I stop lying.. Smh knowing bolt is a a plus.. Jamaican + knowing bolt = superstar treatment lool
I enjoyed reading your blog…it was very entertaining and i had a smile on my face the entire time
Keep it going….it’s all in good,honest,clean fun….
Best of luck to you
I enjoyed reading your blog…it was very entertaining and i had a smile on my face the entire time
Keep it going….it’s all in good,honest,clean fun….
Best of luck to you
Brilliantly written girl. Hope you enjoyed the tomatoes. DWL
Brilliantly written girl. Hope you enjoyed the tomatoes. DWL
lol…you’re the best..don’t blame you damn u were forced to fabricate…ppl do it here as well…i personally have met Bolt b4 him buss he was around late teen…back then he ran swinging his head from left to right with his chain in his mouth…told him if he stop doing that he’ll probably use up less enery and go faster…i guess that stayed in a corner of his cranium…lol…by the way this is a true story.
lol…you’re the best..don’t blame you damn u were forced to fabricate…ppl do it here as well…i personally have met Bolt b4 him buss he was around late teen…back then he ran swinging his head from left to right with his chain in his mouth…told him if he stop doing that he’ll probably use up less enery and go faster…i guess that stayed in a corner of his cranium…lol…by the way this is a true story.
Lool #niceread
I know Bolto too
Lool #niceread
I know Bolto too
You wont have to lie for long. Soon he will see this blog and give you a call . 🙂
You wont have to lie for long. Soon he will see this blog and give you a call . 🙂
Lovely piece. I live in Brazil and I get this all the time … The exact thing when they find out you’re not American it becomes African, then Bob Marley. Since 2012 Olympics is Bolte ( their pronunciation in Portuguese)
lol haha very engaging story, just say he changes number often so when you get back home you’ll get the updated number haha.. At the end of your article you missed what could have been a great pun lol with jinx?.. or I missed you using it lol kool
lol haha very engaging story, just say he changes number often so when you get back home you’ll get the updated number haha.. At the end of your article you missed what could have been a great pun lol with jinx?.. or I missed you using it lol kool
YOU GO GIRL
YOU GO GIRL
Next time you come to Jamaica, just get a picture of you and him to seal the “I know him” deal so you’ll have evidence to show the Japanese “Bolto” …Nah wouldnt “Jinx” it for you…although I wouldnt use that “name” to Bolto if you actually meet him
Very funny. I do know him but I doubt this would get me free stuff here in Nigeria. I’ll follow you to see what else you get up to in Japan. My blog touches on my experiences living and working in Calabar, Nigeria. I would love to see you in my ‘Comments’!
From Kingston to Calabar | An unexpected journey
https://fromkingstontocalabar.wordpress.com/
Very funny. I do know him but I doubt this would get me free stuff here in Nigeria. I’ll follow you to see what else you get up to in Japan. My blog touches on my experiences living and working in Calabar, Nigeria. I would love to see you in my ‘Comments’!
From Kingston to Calabar | An unexpected journey
https://fromkingstontocalabar.wordpress.com/
Great article. I once lived in Japan 3yrs in the Asafa Powel on into the Bolt era. I can relate to everything you wrote.
Please help ricardo get some coverage so he can get his sponsors http://www.gofundme.com/ricardochambers
Great article. I once lived in Japan 3yrs in the Asafa Powel on into the Bolt era. I can relate to everything you wrote.
Please help ricardo get some coverage so he can get his sponsors http://www.gofundme.com/ricardochambers
Was in Belgium for a festival .. I got to go on someone’s shoulder to see the stage all because I was Jamaican lol
Everybody called me Bob-marley and Bolt
Was in Belgium for a festival .. I got to go on someone’s shoulder to see the stage all because I was Jamaican lol
Everybody called me Bob-marley and Bolt
This is too funny
This is too funny
Next time u come back home, just pop up into fiction on a good night and get ur self a pic with him since he passes through there most times. That way you can carry that pic around in ur purse as added evidence of your story lol
Next time u come back home, just pop up into fiction on a good night and get ur self a pic with him since he passes through there most times. That way you can carry that pic around in ur purse as added evidence of your story lol
Come to think of it I know him too he cuts his hair right in Liguanea at Images. When next you are home swing by the post mall.
Come to think of it I know him too he cuts his hair right in Liguanea at Images. When next you are home swing by the post mall.
shot….love it
Totally enjoyed reading this.
Totally enjoyed reading this.
Love it!
Love it!
lol….as long as we are jamaicans we are all related…we all live right around the corner in trelawny..i enjoyed reading this girl..thumbs up
lol….as long as we are jamaicans we are all related…we all live right around the corner in trelawny..i enjoyed reading this girl..thumbs up
Liar ….. I am Bolto and I dont know you
I laughed so much reading this blog….by the time I got to the ‘ call him ‘ part I was doubled over in stitches. Sooo funny and well written.
I laughed so much reading this blog….by the time I got to the ‘ call him ‘ part I was doubled over in stitches. Sooo funny and well written.
DWL! This is funny, and entertaining. I can’t say I would’nt have done the same. Afterall, who doesn’t like free stuff?
DWL! This is funny, and entertaining. I can’t say I would’nt have done the same. Afterall, who doesn’t like free stuff?
Very funny piece. Keep collecting till it buck.
Haha #bolto guess once you are Jcan you automatically qualify for “relative” status .My 1st visit to Tracks n Records i was almost tricked by the “cousin ” relation by 2 diff indivuals
Haha #bolto guess once you are Jcan you automatically qualify for “relative” status .My 1st visit to Tracks n Records i was almost tricked by the “cousin ” relation by 2 diff indivuals
One of my coworkers told me that Gatlin’s mother was her school mate, then asked me you know Usain Bolt right? I say yes my grandmother used to live in the same area in Trelawny. My grandmother is not from that side of trelawny. Lol
One of my coworkers told me that Gatlin’s mother was her school mate, then asked me you know Usain Bolt right? I say yes my grandmother used to live in the same area in Trelawny. My grandmother is not from that side of trelawny. Lol
Way to go Keisha!!
Way to go Keisha!!
Keisha you have me laughing my heart out…..good read girl bout you know Bolto…
Dem go jinx you
Keisha you have me laughing my heart out…..good read girl bout you know Bolto…
Dem go jinx you
Very funny…stitches @ call him, call him
Very funny…stitches @ call him, call him
Really enjoyed this peice
Really enjoyed this peice
Just dont use the word “jinx” girl lol
Just dont use the word “jinx” girl lol
Too funny. I’m taking a page from your book and switching strategies. I’m starting off small, we partied together lol.
Too funny. I’m taking a page from your book and switching strategies. I’m starting off small, we partied together lol.
Gwaan know him yah mi fren … lol … and continue to have fun with it.
Gwaan know him yah mi fren … lol … and continue to have fun with it.
Totally enjoyed this piece
Totally enjoyed this piece
LOLOLOL!
This is indeed a laughing out loud moment! ✅
Usain is a blessed man of God
This is indeed a laughing out loud moment! ✅
Usain is a blessed man of God
This is soooo funny…My claim to fame is that his REAL Aunt was my Nanny…#thatsthetruth
This is soooo funny…My claim to fame is that his REAL Aunt was my Nanny…#thatsthetruth
lol….bolto…lmao..of course u know him, and are related to him afterall him live just right roun de corna…nice blog..love it
lol….bolto…lmao..of course u know him, and are related to him afterall him live just right roun de corna…nice blog..love it
LOL…good one!
LOL…good one!
Lol…very creative
Lol…very creative
My son look just like him and is mistaken for him at times maybe he should start passing as his older brother and start getting things when he travels hehe.
My son look just like him and is mistaken for him at times maybe he should start passing as his older brother and start getting things when he travels hehe.
please don’t “jinx” it …lol
please don’t “jinx” it …lol
I can’t stop laugh I would have done the same thing too
I can’t stop laugh I would have done the same thing too
enjoyed reading this……….of course we all know Bolto
enjoyed reading this……….of course we all know Bolto
lol this blog is so funny.. I would do the same..
lovely piece…
lovely piece…
LOOOOOL, epic!
Very funny…
Very funny…
They don’t understand when you say you don’t know him personally. He’s my brother at times. I just wish I got the same perks as you do.
They don’t understand when you say you don’t know him personally. He’s my brother at times. I just wish I got the same perks as you do.
Well written and very funny blog,keep it up.
You are so not alone………just last weekend at a party on Atlanta he was my brother-in-law. Lol. Am a only child!!!!!!!!
You are so not alone………just last weekend at a party on Atlanta he was my brother-in-law. Lol. Am a only child!!!!!!!!
We all know Usain Keisha… He’s our brother (even if it is from another mother). Heng on all yuh can, let free things rain!
You’re not alone my dear. Everyday, Donique senei do you know Bolto? I say Jamaica and the choir sings aaaaahhh Bolto
If I was in that position I have a pic with him to show. You will meet him one day for sure. All the best . Be blessed.
I do it too. I was once I. Quad when he was there and I was dancing and he was dancing. And it because we even party together. The first day I told them I met Bolt and the teacher translated to the kids that we are friends. I went to the staff room and the track star at the school came to meet “Bolt’s firend” what was I supposed to do? So DYI Bolt stickers to give out? The message got passed onto my elementary school and I just let it.
I have even been called “Bolto Sensei”.
Lol! I love it! Gwaan yaw my girl, why not??!! 🙂
Love your wit, keeping doing yu thing sis!
Went to France and the same thing happened, they totally associated Jamaica with Asafa……finally my colour paid off with some discounts!
You’re great. Love it!
Enjoyed reading this. Girl I would be related to him too
Enjoyed reading this, I’m from Barbados & when I travel I’m related to Rihanna soooo no judgement here lol
Bolt has #restrictions on his phone
Dwl this is great
VERY cute post, Keisha!!!
As a Jamaican in China, I can relate to this completely. Heck, I’ve taken it a step further and told them I used to run with him when I was younger but gave up the glory to pursue medicine. It’s all fun.
a laff so til a nearly wee-wee! dis is hilarious chica! me know him too ennuh…..a me third cousin by me aunty puncie side but cuz me a outside pickney , de family nuh too waa claim me!
Dwl… i did it too…& got alot of tips fr this famous resort in Washington States……dwlllll…. mi loikee it naw lie….he is my cuzo, neighbour, classmates or boyfren anyone wrks fa mi…..lmao
I am cracking up.
DWL. This article made my day… definitely have to share this one!
loooool this is too funny. I know Bolt. For shizzle i do. like we went to the same school, (white girl voice) yeah…so like i really do know him. we used to be in the same “house” if u Jamaican you know i mean sports day at school. “EDGAR” the green team…… woooot woooot….. and we used to be on track and field team for William Knibb of course!!!! “those were the days” yah wouldn’t even know how proud i feel now that the day at “rat hole” when he said he could stack ten plates of food ontop of my head and eat because i was so short…. looool i am proud of my Bolto Bolto…. Jahmekyah…. to di wooooorrrllll!!!
This made me smile …..JA’can ….
On your next visit to Brooklyn NY. Rent a private house with us. Check us out on Facebook at Vacation Rental in Brooklyn New. Keep the lie alive sis. Lol.
Hey, Bolto my close friend was over by my house last evening … he came to borrow some gas for his lawn mower …. I showed him this article and he says he actually knows you. Yup, from that time when he had to attend LIARS anonymous sessions. He is upset with you though … the number you gave him is not registered on any network
Good, fun read. Really enjoyed it.
Dwl lmao….now i think i wanna go to japan. I’m not an athlete but usain bolt and i train together when i get to japan dwl
All my colleagueswere cracking up as I read this. LOL. Great write!
I laughed so hard while reading this yesterday. I had to come back today to read the comments and laugh even more. Thanks Keisha
Nice read! Enjoy “knowing him” while it last 🙂
Lol…girl child I am in Korea and I get the same treatment albeit I dont have to pretend I know him …they give me free stop just because of associated nationality…God bless sir Bolt lol
Haha, I thoroughly enjoyed this blog and your humorous writing style. I’ve been in the US since I was young, maybe even before Bolt was born, but yet people ask me if I know him!! Lol the most I say is we’re from the same parish.
If I was in that position I have a pic with him to show. You will meet him one day for sure. All the best . Be blessed.
If I was in that position I have a pic with him to show. You will meet him one day for sure. All the best . Be blessed.
If I was in that position I have a pic with him to show. You will meet him one day for sure. All the best . Be blessed.
If I was in that position I have a pic with him to show. You will meet him one day for sure. All the best . Be blessed.
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