Should I Stay With a Selfish Man or Turn Back the Clock?

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Question:

My latest boyfriend just doesn’t compare to my last crush. My former boyfriend was attentive, considerate and great fun. I used to get caring good morning and good night messages, even when we were together on vacation.

This latest guy seems to be self-obsessed and shows little interest in my aspirations or what I’ve been up to. I suggested a vacation together, but he’s more interested in spending money on his car and buying more bling.

Can I change him or should I dump him? What’s the best way to reach out to my former boyfriend, who always made me happy and feel special?

Z, Negril

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Being in a romantic relationship that seemingly doesn’t make you feel happy or valued is totally pointless. However, rather than throw in the towel you should try to open up the channels of communication to explain how you feel to your partner.

As your latest man sounds as though he loves himself more than you, then you should again try to push him towards going away together. If he’s not interested in a vacation now, which I’m assuming is in the early throes of your relationship, there really doesn’t appear to be much of a future for you two.

I urge you to explain to him that you feel neglected because he prefers to splash the cash on himself and his car than forking out towards a vacation. Also point out that he doesn’t appear to be particularly romantic towards you, and that you wish to feel special.

JUST AN ACCESSORY
You’ll be able to gauge from his response whether he is serious about you, or simply views you as eye candy to go with his bling and wheels.

Having experienced a loving relationship immediately before him does mean that you will naturally compare the behaviour of these two men.

It’s unlikely that you would have picked a straightforward like-for-like replacement for your ex-boyfriend. Yet you should have only dated again if you considered this man is a definite upgrade, otherwise you may naturally find yourself yearning to be back with your previous partner.

Most women ultimately wish to change their love interest, either swiftly or over a lengthy period. You mention trying to alter him to be more like your last man, which currently sounds like mission impossible if he’s determined to concentrate on his car and buying bling.

A heart-to-heart is your best bet, and he may be relieved that you potentially wish to go your separate ways. Until you discuss where the relationship is going then the current problems are not going to disappear.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF
Yet there must have been some positive aspects about your current squeeze that attracted you towards him. Unless it was purely down to peer pressure, the fact that you were hurt by the split from your last love interest or you’ve entered a rebound relationship.

If you opted to be with this latest man for the wrong reasons then you are best to cut your losses and abruptly end things. It doesn’t sound as though he is particularly committed to you for whatever reason, and if that’s the case it will be no great loss for either of you.

As you have the desire to get things back on track with your former boyfriend, who always made me you feel happy and special, then you can reach out to him.

Follow my tips on how to repair a broken relationship or go for closure, although now might be the time to press the reset button and experience some time as a singleton.

COMPARE GOOD AND BAD
Before you contact your ex-boyfriend, my advice is to compile a short list about your partner with five good points and five things that are not going smoothly. Then see which of these aspects cancel each other out, leaving you with a shortened list to work out whether you are flogging a dead horse or can make a go of things.

You previously experienced a man who was romantic towards you, with messages that seemed to have warmed your heart and no doubt put a smile on your face. That is a rarity, and if he was super special then you should definitely look into a rendezvous and dump your latest crush.

Yet you didn’t explain why your previous romance ended if it was such a bed of roses. If he cheated on you then I would suggest eradicating any thoughts about returning into his arms.

And if you were the one who ended the relationship, then it’s worth exploring whether you were harsh and should have given him more time to prove that he was worthy of your love.

AIMING FOR A SECOND SHOT
However, if there was valid reason for your break-up, and you believe you were soulmates, there’s every reason to aim for a second bite at the cherry.

Although obviously that depends on his circumstances as well as yours. You must firstly determine his current relationship status.

If he’s single that makes life easier for you to reach out. If he’s romantically involved, you’ll have to discreetly undertake some detective work to establish his situation and explore whether he’s happy with his latest love interest.

It sound like you experienced some of the essential ingredients for a lasting relationship with your previous boyfriend, but must realistically scrutinise why that came crashing down.

ALIGN YOUR GOALS
Maybe it got too intense or was a whirlwind romance, although for whatever reasons you broke up then it is crucial to align your goals going forward.

If your former romantic relationship can be repaired, and you both have the desire to give it another whirl, it’s vital to be frank with each other why you managed to split up and discuss your aspirations.

As long as you have mutual trust and respect as well as be willing to show renewed commitment for your relationship to last the course, there’s no reason why you cannot live happily ever after.

Yet to ensure that things become smooth sailing, if the chemistry remains after you’ve met up, I would urge you to take a week-long vacation. Spending so much time together will determine whether you two remain compatible and are prepared to focus on the future as a loving couple.

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