Can I Salvage My Lost Love That I Neglected?

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Question:

I messaged by ex-boyfriend on the one-year anniversary of our split to see how he’s doing, because we hadn’t communicated since I dumped him.

Even though I knew he was single, like me, we only exchanged some pretty formal messages. I told him that I would message him later but didn’t because I got distracted by work and friends.

Four days later I discovered that he had just started dating someone new, and she looks very pretty.

I’m kicking myself for ignoring him, because we could have given it another go. Do I grin and bear it or should I try to tempt him back because I love him loads?

D, Savanna-la-Mar

Love Doctor’s Answer:

As you’ve not made any effort to get in touch for an entire year, despite both being single, then your former love interest would no doubt have given up the ghost as far as a romance with you is concerned.

As he didn’t wish to come over as desperate or emotionally needy, having suffered being dumped, he gave up the ghost and didn’t pursue you. The excitement of the chase was over for him.

Reaching out after 12 months is a sweet gesture from you. The fact that you wish to give your relationship a second shot was obviously not mentioned in your rather formal messages.

You should have made it clear by upping the ante with your former fella by pushing for a catch up. Then you could establish if you have a future together or not.

Now he appears to have slipped through your fingers as you failed to contact him as you promised. This sort of snub, following being brushed aside last year, will have done his confidence and self-esteem no good whatsoever.

He potentially felt foolish by hearing from you and then overlooked. No doubt he would have been thrilled that the communication channels had reopened, particularly as he was single.

You burst his bubble yet again, to leave a bitter taste disappointment from you having most probably built his hopes up.

Going through a broken relationship can be heart wrenching. The emotional rollercoaster and deep-rooted questions about why it fell apart playing on the mind.

MAY BE A SUPERFICIAL CONNECTION
I suspect that this latest setback of being ignored caused your ex-boyfriend anguish. He may only be dating this attractive-looking lady to prove he can still be loved.

Understandably he would love to numb the pain of you neglecting him, which has resulted in him no longer believing there’s mutual trust between you, but he has ultimately turned to a woman with good looks as males are visual creatures.

You blew your chance by promising him that you would be in touch, which appears to have triggered a rebound relationship for your former partner.

As you state that his latest lady is very pretty, you’ve either heard from friends, seen her yourself or come across photos on either his social media account or profile picture. Having her on his arm will have helped boost his ego, and could kickstart a meaningful relationship for this couple.

COULD BE A GRUDGE GAME
If he starts posting heavily on social media, you stand a good chance of luring him back because this tends to point towards showing off or to spite a former partner.

Should his profile picture portray him with his new girlfriend, then this is more serious and could be tricky to wrestle him back. Especially as you’ve hurt him twice and then leave him alone feeling unloved and unwanted.

My advice is to stop blowing hot and cold towards him. Take the bull by the horns by being more direct and show genuine affection rather than emotional distance.

You have to rely on his latest romance being more about excitement than compatibility. I urge you to message him again but act oblivious to the fact that he’s seemingly all loved up.

Follow my two-one psychology trick of messaging him two sentences that are positive about him, followed by one sentence that conveys what you really wish to tell him. It’s crucial to avoid using the word I, as you are effectively buttering him up with a couple of genuine compliments and then going for the kill while ensuring it is not all about you.

ADVANTAGE OF DEEP COMPATIBILITY
For your scenario it’s ideal to mention how compatible you were with a few examples. That way you are playing trick with his mind by planting the difference between you and his new love interest.

You must follow that up by mentioning two of your favourite things you did together, whether it a vacation, a memorable day out etc. After referring to what a wondrous time you experienced and then go for the kill by suggesting that you do it again soon.

Gauging his reaction about this will determine whether his latest romance is just a distraction from the emotional pain you caused by ignoring him when you confirmed you would be in touch.

Your next step is to try guiding him towards meeting up face-to-face. Aim to set up a rendezvous somewhere special, which was super romantic for you as a couple.

BE SUPPORTIVE IF REJECTED
Should he refuse to meet, then you should be happy for him that he has found your replacement following an entire year of being alone romantically. You may have triggered him to react to his latest rejection from you by moving into this partnership, so can only learn from your mistake.

This leaves you either left to cry over spilled milk and regret your actions towards him, happy to play the waiting game and hope he returns to you one day or you dust yourself down emotionally and move on.

If he agrees to see you then it becomes blatant that the lady in his life seems to be nothing more than a rebound relationship, while you have a significant advantage of an experiencing a romantic connection.

Only when you meet up will you see if the spark remains between you and a second bite at the cherry is viable.

WORK OUT YOUR VALUE
You should also write a list of five things that you can offer a new girlfriend, and this doesn’t have to be about finance. Work out your value because this needs to align with your potential new partner.

I suggest that you also check your appearance, and maybe up the ante to be able to present the very best version of you to suitable single ladies. If you like the style of a certain celebrity, then do some website surfing to emulate their look but on a reduced budget.

There’s no need to splash the cash, as once you’re in a romance your new love interest is highly likely to start moulding you into her perfect partner.

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