Am I Just Not Cut Out To Get Married?

If you fancy sending your romantic relationship dilemma to former Kingston resident Love Doctor Monti, author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, submit your question via our form.

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Question:

I’ve been engaged three times, twice in my late 20s because of peer pressure. Each time I’ve walked away. I think it was just the norm for me to repeat running away.

The first two times was because I didn’t feel passionate towards the men that my father had introduced me to. My last man was my one and only true love, but we split up virtually two years ago.

I’ve since thrown myself into my career and I’ve not dated properly, just out for dinner and drinks that were boring.

I’ve been having dreams about my ex-fiancé all year. How do I reach out to only man to ever capture my heart and make me feel special?

C, Spanish Town

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Finding a soul mate is an amazing feeling, which is what it sounds like from your dilemma. If you two are genuine soul mates, and he’s able to overlook you walking out on him without pointing the finger of blame, then you should be able to rekindle your romantic relationship.

Although you have followed a pattern of getting engaged and running away from three fiancés, you’re clearly having regrets about your actions with the last man.

This can be rectified as there was a mutual deep connection. Yet you will need to tread carefully, as he may be romantically involved since you as the split was almost two years ago.

When someone is rejected romantically, they tend to either wallow in self-pity and allow themselves to try and work out why it ended or they desperately try to prove that they are loveable. The latter can be problematic, because it’s highly likely that this will be nothing more than a rebound relationship that’s never going to last.

I urge you to check his relationship status, either via his social media posts or by asking around, before you approach your former love interest.

It will get back to him that you were inquiring about him, which will make him feel flattered and excited in equal measures if he still deeply cares for you.

TIME TO REACH OUT
If he’s involved with someone and it was a rebound relationship, you’re best to let him know that you are thinking of him by sending a short message.

Don’t forget to follow my tried and tested two-one trick. This is achieved by sending two positive sentences, followed by a single sentence in which you wish to convey the whole point of contacting him. Ensure that you avoid using the word I, and only add one lower case kiss.

Stick to sending any replies with this two-one format, which basically butters him up with the initial two sentences and is therefore highly likely to encourage him to respond.

Your contact out of the blue will set the cat among the pigeons, and it should be only a matter of time before this rebound relationship ends.

If you are the jealous type then don’t read too much into his latest romance, because a rebound relationship tends to be pretty meaningless with the couple more like kindred spirits than soul mates.

If he’s ensconced in a new full-blown romance, then unfortunately you need to bide your time until that has run its course.

SOFT FOCUS OF REALITY
The majority of relationships across the globe generally fail to get past the 12-month mark, because the proverbial rose-tinted glasses slip off with flaws apparent to both partners ranging from three to 12 months.

Should his romance last longer, then sadly you may well have lost what sounds like the love of your life.

If your former crush is single, it’s best to make contact asap rather than risk him being swept off his feet like he was with you.

Follow the two-one trick to initiate contact, and when he replies push for meeting up by offering him two specific options such as going for a catch-up drink in midweek or a Sunday Dinner rendezvous.

Women generally decide if a relationship will begin, continue or end. The fairer sex are in charge overall, with men usually lazy but happy to go with the flow.

RELY ON FLIRTING SKILLS
So you need to pull all the stops out to get your former relationship back on track. When you meet, subtly introduce some flirting techniques and ensure you wear a citrus scent to awaken his sexual senses.

Although you may wish to have things back as they were, it should take time to achieve this and you really don’t want to potentially ruin things by moving too fast.

My advice is that you should meet up regularly, but not at either of your homes. Ideally on your third date, as long as you believe that the chemistry remains, be equipped with two wonderful trips you shared such as a day out and a vacation.

Concentrate on only mentioning these pair of trips, have a laugh and talk about them and blurt out about the one you preferred: “We should do that again”.

READ HIS BODY LANGUAGE
Try to read his body language to determine whether he appears keen with that scenario. If he does then don’t get overzealous and push him for dates, just tell him that when you meet up next that you can check your diaries to pencil in that trip.

Should he not look eager about this, then you’re either moving things too quickly or are mistaken about the sparks between you.

Slowing things down will either give you each some breathing space or potentially destroy your romance, so you simply have to ensure that you are not like an overeager puppy.

If your mention of a repeat trip has triggered him to back off, then ultimately he will end everything with a typical male excuse of something along the lines that he wasn’t ready for romance, was too hurt the first time round or he doesn’t have the same feelings as before. In which case you swerved what would have been a massive mistake by marrying him.

EMOTIONAL PAIN FROM DREAMS
Having dreams about your ex-fiancé not only symbolises your desire to give the relationship a second shot, but these are about your emotion pain.

Getting engaged is a commitment that you’ve yet to be ready for, and because of your deep-rooted doubts your brain can play tricks on your mind and with your heart.

Such high emotional intensity of being engaged, and then for the relationship falling apart for whatever reasons, means that you could simply be missing being in a couple with this man rather than missing him.

I urge you to compile a list of five aspects that you miss about being with him and five things that he did to make you feel special. Compare these before you decide whether to reach out to your fiancé or let sleeping dogs lie.

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