Getting My Head Turned Has Caused Confusion
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Question:
I’ve been in a relationship for a little over six months. It is far from perfect, but I like the comfort of being with someone.
I’m unsure what to do as I just bumped into my hot ex-girlfriend at the supermarket, and we flirted like crazy. The sparks are still there, and she hasn’t dated since we broke up earlier this year.
We didn’t arrange to meet up, and I was honest by telling her I’m seeing someone. I’m kicking myself for not asking if she fancied going on a date, even if that would have been the first time I would have cheated.
Despite being dumped out of the blue, I would like to try to win her back and need some advice because I’m not single.
H, Negril
Love Doctor’s Answer:
As it sounds like you are a romantic then I suggest you follow your heart rather than your head in this scenario.
Your reaction to suddenly being dismissed by your ex-girlfriend was simply to find someone to fill the void in your life, but this has turned out to be nothing more than a rebound relationship.
It definitely sounds like your heart isn’t in this current romance, as you refer to it being “far from perfect” and are happy to go behind her back to meet up with your former love interest.
Although you want to test the water to see if there’s any chance to rekindle your relationship, you cannot have your cake and eat it otherwise there will be tears and you will be the only bad person.
You’re the one responsible for your actions, but you know that your current relationship is a masquerade. It was always intended to only be a short-term solution to deal with the anguish of being dumped.
Although you state that the connection remains between you and your ex-girlfriend through this chance meeting, you urgently need to establish over a phone call where you stand in terms of giving it a second shot.
REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS DON’T LAST
Stuttering along with your current squeeze is not doing your self-esteem any favours, and you are stringing her along. Women are intuitive, yet she accepted the fact it was a rebound relationship and probably expected to win you over in time.
Six months down the line and you are not desperately bowled over, and to add insult to injury to your girlfriend you’ve had your head turned.
It sounds like your honeymoon period with your girlfriend has come to a halt, with flaws probably apparent to you both.
It requires an honest assessment through a tete-a-tete. Ideally this should be as soon as possible, at a venue where you both will not drink alcohol. You don’t want to say any bad words because of the influence of booze.
Facing reality is essential. It appears that you need to put yourself and your partner out of the misery of a romance, which lacks elements that could lead to everlasting true love.
LUST OR LOVE?
It’s no good assuming that your ex-girlfriend will come running back into arms just because you suddenly become single. You broke up for a reason, so you need to consider whether you are soulmates or simply find her more physically attractive than your current squeeze.
I urge you to get a plan ready. Firstly you need to make contact with your former love interest to establish whether you were misreading the signals in the supermarket, so that you are not barking up the wrong tree. And also don’t allow this to be just about lust.
Next you must arrange a sit down talk with your girlfriend, and if appropriate can subtly explain that there’s little chance of a long-term relationship. This could be a relief for her to hear as things are not going that smoothly.
Regardless of whether you get to date your ex-girlfriend once more, she has done you a favour by helping you realise that your current squeeze was nothing more than a stop gap.
You cannot forever be like a butterfly, flitting from one lady to another because you don’t fancy being alone. You need to one day try to build up a meaningful and loving relationship, bringing commitment to that romance.
PAST IS NOT ALWAYS THE FUTURE
All that glitters is not gold, so bumping into your former girlfriend may not be the quick-fix solution to ending your faltering relationship that you so desperately desire as a seemingly emotionally vulnerable man.
It seems you have bounced from one failed romance to another, and turning back time suits you. Get a grip because it did not work out before and she walked out of your life.
You claim she is “hot”, so it may have just been animal instinct from you. Building a relationship on physical attraction will never last, as we all get older and uglier.
Good character will never fade, but good looks will. Before you make contact with your ex-girlfriend, think about why she ended the romance and if that was an acceptable decision. Should her character not be as attractive as her looks, then I strongly suggest that you should steer clear of attempting to rekindle the romance.
It is time to take a good look at yourself, warts and all. You may want to throw away your current relationship, but your intention to return to the arms of your ex-girlfriend should not be the only reason.
Your heart may be tender and bruised by the previous break up, as time is always the only healer. You can potentially rebuild what you experienced before, but need to work out as a couple what went wrong so that there’s not a repeat.
TRICK TO GET DUMPED
Without doubt you need to get out of your current romance, and a painless trick to get her to dump you is by regularly mentioning a variety of exes in general conversation. Women really don’t wish to be second best, and after a while your girlfriend may want a break or split that will free you both.
It’s best not to rush into seeing your former love interest, keep her waiting without playing games. You don’t want to be a player and have two women on the go, because that is unfair on them and shows you possess poor character.
Over the next few weeks try giving yourself a makeover in order to be the best person you can be. I suggest buying a couple of aftershaves is the start, one for daytime wear and another for evenings. These will become your signature scent, and instil some much-needed confidence.
You don’t need to splash the cash, or try to become someone that you aren’t. But do consider some upgrades such as a new haircut, jacket, shoes or even a watch.
Trim your current wardrobe and buy a handful of new clothes. If you manage to convince your ex-girlfriend that you are her future, she won’t see you only wearing the same clothes that you sported when you last dated.
BRING RESPECT TO A ROMANCE
It can be a terrible ordeal when a relationship ends, but your heart is not with your current love interest. She does not deserve to suffer being second best.
You should respect her and try to end the romance either through annoying her by name dropping exes or a frank chat about your future. Whatever happens do not go behind her back, because your previous love interest will not trust you if you start cheating.
Building up mutual trust, respect and commitment between your former girlfriend should be a slow burner if you wish to make it a meaningful relationship this time.
If you are left without one of these ladies in your life, you should take some time out and enjoy life. Book up some adventures, events or trips, so that you have something to look forward to.
You may find Cupid’s arrow strikes when you least expect it, but I suggest you follow my guide on the types of ladies to avoid for your next romance.
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