Do I Meet Up Like My Ex Wants?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
I’ve been single for two years, but I recently bumped into my previous girlfriend that I dated for 14 months. She was chatty and pretty. She asked to see me again to catch up on old times.
I got the feeling that she would like us to get back together. I just no longer have any attraction towards her. I think that’s because she really hurt me with our terrible break-up.
I don’t want to see her again, but I also don’t want to come across as arrogant. How do I tackle this?
M, Portland
Love Doctor’s Answer:
When a romantic relationship comes crashing down it can prove devastating for both parties, or just one person. It really depends upon the circumstances, although it sounds like you were really hurt by her actions that ended things.
The way that we bounce back from such adversaries shows the strength of our character, and helps make us a more-rounded person. We can only learn from our mistakes. If she was the one that caused chaos, your mistake was allowing her to do this and cause you immense pain.
It generally takes up to three years to get over a loving relationship that we are 100% committed to, as you will go through the same emotions as grieving following a death of someone close. You’ve survived two years, although you may be feeling numb still and possibly emotionally vulnerable.
If that’s the case, this would account for why you refer to your ex-girlfriend as “pretty” yet are not attracted towards her. You are seeing her very differently in comparison to when you were a happy couple. Nowadays you may view her as the devil for your “terrible” split.
When you were together no doubt she could do very little wrong, but now it’s a very different story. This is because there’s no longer the mutual respect, and the constant communication that keeps the spark within a romance.
Solid relationships require the mutual basics of physical attraction, interests, respect and trust on top of being able to comprise and maintain good communication.
Your ex-girlfriend may actually feel regret for the way she ended your relationship, which is why she came across as chatty. This, or maybe the fact that she has embarked on a new relationship, could be why she wants a rendezvous.
You may have jumped the gun about her wishing to rekindle your romance, she may have simply been nervous or embarrassed for hurting you. She could also have only suggested a catch-up out of kindness because she saw the sadness in your eyes, or she was possibly being polite.
Understandably you’re being dismissive about seeing her face-to-face again, but you need to put yourself into her shoes and consider how she felt bumping into you.
I urge you to meet her if you didn’t experience proper closure, ideally during the daytime for a coffee. This means you can make your catch up as short or long as you desire.
You may think that you require “Dutch Courage” of alcohol to see her again, but if one of you gets tipsy then there’s the risk that something unforgiveable is said. It’s best to stick to a coffee shop or ice cream parlour, but not one that you’ve previously visted because there’s the potential for memories to come flooding back.
Send her a short yet friendly message, if closure is required, but omit the word “I” throughout. Make her feel good with initial positive words, then give her two options. Put a lower case kiss after the initial of your name. You’ll receive a swift response about a specific day and suggested times. In any replies please avoid the word “I”, restrict to a maximum of two sentences, and sign off “M x”.
Write something along the lines of: “Terrific to see you looking so happy and well, am delighted that we can meet up soon. How about Saturday at xyz (insert name of a coffee shop) or Sunday at xyz (insert name of an ice cream parlour)? M x”
I believe that your self-esteem was severely dented by the break-up, so maybe this reluctance to meet up is because you don’t want your former partner to see this damaged version of you. You need to make an excuse about seeing her if you have lost confidence, to such an extent that you wouldn’t feel comfortable chatting with your ex-girlfriend.
Send her a direct and respectful message that’s positive, if you don’t wish to meet. Avoid using the word “I” and use a lower case kiss after the initial of your first name.
You’ll either get a reply that states she understands or, if she’s keen to meet (or complete closure), a response that is persuasive about meeting up. You can choose to not respond, or send a polite “Take care, M x”. Just be careful not to enter communication that becomes like text tennis with relentless messages.
Write something like: “Delighted to see you looking so happy and well. Thanks for suggesting a catch up, but it’s not a good idea after what happened between us. Thanks for the amazing memories, and wishing you a wonderful life. M x”
There’s nothing wrong in the fact that you’ve not moved forward romantically since your break-up, but two years is a significant amount of time and it appears that your guard is up. You have been wise because you don’t wish to expect that same sort of anguish. Hopefully during this period of pain you’ve either been concentrating on your career or focused on your interests.
My advice is to only get back out there when you truly know you’re emotionally ready to date again. I urge you to explore new hobbies to meet people and build your confidence. Having the same mutual interest as a potential partner is one of the foundations for building up a romance.
Your ex-girlfriend had her chance with you and blown it. At the end of the day it is her loss, and she obviously wasn’t worthy of your love and devotion. Just because you had a dreadful ending to your previous relationship should not hold you back. We all deserve finding someone special to share our lives with.
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