How Do I Shake Off My Regret?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve been single for a year and there’s been no sign of finding a new guy. Friends have told me to stop going around being so miserable and bitter about my break-up, which I instigated and I now regret.
What should I do as I do feel angry with myself?
B, Westmoreland
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Turning back time in a romantic relationship is full of pitfalls. Unless there was a genuine reason for the split on top of you both believing that you were true soulmates, then you should 100% focus on the future.
You regret the break-up, but realistically you should not have any regrets as that decision was the right decision at the time. It is only now, as you have yet to find a replacement man, that you are wishing you had not finished the romance.
It appears that to cope you need to draw a line under the past, so that you find happiness once more. To achieve this then you require closure.
You should try to organise to meet up with your ex-partner, for one last goodbye, in a public place and ideally during the day. A heart-to-heart conversation can reveal why the romantic relationship fizzled out and failed. This is an opportunity to tell your former beau how much you loved them and will forever treasure your time together.
Whatever happens do not start apportioning blame, and do not criticise him in any shape or form however miserable you may feel. There used to be mutual respect between you, so ensure that you continue to show total respect towards him.
Often when passion dies trouble starts, or maybe the reason you ended the romance was that you were seeking perfection. Whatever the reasons behind you opting to end the relationship, you need to accept that you were accountable for this and must learn from this mistake in order to move forward.
Following your split you may have initially doubted the reality of the breakdown of your relationship. Maybe you have used the defence mechanism of denial to help deal with your pain, or isolated yourself from friends and family. This hurt will have turned to anger and resentment.
Guilt appears to have crossed your mind, as a year on you are wondering what could have been different. Negative energy is a waste of energy. You should instead be concentrating on how to take better control in your next relationship. You may be able to get back with him, or you could unearth an upgrade.
Be prepared that he might have already found another lady in his life, in which case he may be unable to meet you for closure. He was the one that suffered rejection by you, so may not want to meet.
On the other hand he may leap at the opportunity to meet up, and like you may still be pining for your former meaningful partnership to be rekindled.
Whether you meet up or not I advise you to spontaneously write a list of five positives and five negatives about your ex-partner. Then see which of these cancel each other out, until you are left with a shortened list of one or two in the positives and negatives. Armed with this information you will know whether or not you two should be together.
It is definitely time for you to undertake some soul searching without beating yourself up emotionally. You are angry with yourself for making your relationship grind to a halt, but you cannot turn back time and you should not live in the past.
The most important thing to do is to start to find happiness. Although being involved in a loving relationship may be the epitome of contentment, you need to start doing some activities and being surrounded by people to encourage happiness.
I urge you to press the reset button if there is zero chance of getting back together and you can get over your ex emotionally. Avoid going to any places that you used to frequent with him, and start to socially explore new places to make new memories with close friends.
Booking a vacation, even if it is just a weekend away, is imperative because it gives you something to look forward to. You need to start loving yourself and eating yourself to happiness by snacking on foods such as bananas, berries, dark chocolate, nuts, seeds and wasabi nuts/peas. You could always start drinking green tea, which has the calming influence of the amino acid L-theanine to promote relaxation.
If you are going around looking and feeling miserable then you will fail to attract the right sort of man. Smile and the world smiles back, look miserable and people will avoid you.
When we lose someone special romantically it can take up to three years for the heart to truly heal. So you should concentrate on improving your health, mind and social life to get your confidence back.
Your best bet is to pump up your endorphins with physical activity, so that you can enjoy an emotional balance. Maybe join a gym that will increase your sense of well-being and give you the feel-good factor. Gyms are generally brimming with single people, so you could meet your next suitor there or at least open up a new social life with some single ladies.
Only when you have the feel-good factor back will others notice you, which will naturally attract the right sort of attention.
True love and romance is all about commitment, but you stepped away by refusing to commit emotionally. Now it is time to keep yourself busy, so that you do not dwell on the past. It is best to concentrate on finding your mojo before considering another romantic adventure.
Sadly the biggest crime in life is the crime of regret. You need to come to terms with the chaos that you caused. Be realistic about whether you can turn back the clock on your former romance by reaching out to your ex-partner.
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