How Do I Fix My Dating App’s Rocky Horror Show?

If you fancy sending your romantic relationship dilemma to former Kingston resident Love Doctor Monti, author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, submit your question via our form.

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Love Doctor Monti is academically trained in interpersonal relationships, partnership intimacy and psychologically.

Question:

I’ve recently joined a dating app and to my horror I’ve seen familiar faces. There are a couple of ex-boyfriends on there, but even worse are some husbands to my married friends.

I’m unsure whether I should confront my close friends about their cheating spouses, because I’m not a troublemaker.

This dating app is not for me, as all the men seem horny rather than trying to find out the person I am. What’s the best suggestion to meeting a respectable man for a potential relationship?

H, Kingston

Love Doctor’as Answer:

The pitfalls and perils of online dating are to be avoided if you’re seeking to find a good old-fashioned romantic relationship.

As many people on these dating apps are sex-starved, which no doubt applies to your friends’ husbands, then these platforms are seen as easy pickings.

No matter how various companies attempt to sugar-coat their specific dating app, there’s going to be a seedy element to these businesses. Many are well documented to have fake profiles showing as well as profiles from the past that are outdated and non-applicable.

Men, being visual creatures, tend not to show any interest in a woman unless their physical appearance ticks the boxes for them.

Most men are not going to take the time to read the profile words that have been crafted together. They simply looking at age, location and the number of children after their two-second look at the main image.

Women are inundated on these platforms by men who are frequently cutting and pasting the same words to as many ladies that they find attractive looking within a set amount of time.

I’m a firm believer that only the emotionally vulnerable will generally entertain joining these dating apps and expect a happy ever after ending.

When friends tell me that they know of someone who found their perfect partner via these platforms, I tend to inform them that both of these people would have happily got romantically involved with virtually anyone who showed them interest. The nod of the head from friends upon hearing this justifies my brutal statement.

The constant stream of rejection that people must receive from these sites is extraordinary, and it is extremely damaging for both confidence and self-esteem.

People can pretend to be whoever they wish to be on these dating apps by creating what is largely a fantasy profile. People reading this will be saying to themselves “But it wasn’t like that with my profile”.

Yet deliberately putting your wrong age, height and type of relationship you seek, on top of adding photographs that are filtered or from a decade ago or longer have only been generated to try and con others. Yet these people are trying to con themselves too.

The wonderful world of love and romance, as depicted in Hollywood movies, is rarely going to be found via dating apps. It is tricky enough to find a meaningful and loving relationship full stop, although my book ⁠— Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever ⁠— does provide a 20-chapter step-by-step guide to success.

Your close friends, who are blatantly unaware that their spouse is seeking casual sexual partners via dating apps, should be informed by you about this infidelity if you wish to protect them from betrayal and of course health risks such as STIs.

Staying silent obviously goes against your values, otherwise your dilemma would not have been worded using the word “horror”. It’s no good feeling uncomfortable, and maybe guilty, by being passive about such bad behaviour.

You could always go straight to these straying spouses and let them know you’re aware of the risky game they’re playing and that you don’t wish to see your friend hurt. This puts the onus on them to potentially stop, and they could possibly confess to their partner.

As you have concrete proof, avoid emotionally judging your friend by letting them know that their husband is active on at least one dating app. Then offer your support, explaining that you think it’s important to let them know the truth and can show them proof.

Just be aware that the initial reaction from friends could be anger, which they may direct towards you as they lash out, or straightforward denial.

With respect to your former boyfriends being on these dating apps, just be grateful that each of these relationships ended. As they are most likely going to be a typical alpha male, who requires a string of sexual partners to prove something to the world.

If you value yourself and don’t wish to have your self-esteem badly damaged, you will come off these dating apps once you’ve been able to show some of your close friends what their respective partners are up to.

While you are letting things cool down between your friends and their husbands, you should undertake some soul-searching as these couples are experiencing a traumatic time. The course of true love never runs smoothly, so think why you are seeking someone romantically.

Often peer pressure or feeling alone pushes individuals towards romance. My advice is to know what you want from a man, rather than what you truly desire. By that I mean on dating apps you tick boxes for certain attributes, but you will not need to be so fussy in the real world.

Away from dating apps the world is your oyster, so be clear about realistically finding this specific type of man that you believe can fulfil your romantic needs. Narrow down what is truly important, and remember good looks fade so look for good character first and foremost.

Simple scenarios, like shopping and walking, offer you the chance to meet a suitable, single man. Confident ladies will continuously impress men, so feel free to approach those without a wedding ring, child or girlfriend and be brave enough to initiate conversation.

Supermarkets are ideal places to meet singletons. I suggest that you linger where they sell ready meals, snack sections and alcohol aisles as these are where single people will shop. Make phone calls to friends while there if you need to play the waiting game for someone to catch your eye.

A wonderful trick is to deliberately put your hand out for the same product at the same time as the man you like. You may brush each other or get a smile out of him. This is your perfect opportunity to get the conversation started. Ask his advice about that product, particularly alcohol, to see whether he’s tried it before because you haven’t.

You could consider borrowing a dog ⁠from a friend or family member. As a man’s best friend is meant to be a dog, it is an easy experience to strike up a conversation with a potential suitor with the aid of a furry friend.

Finding a common interest can easily hook in a man. Join some clubs or groups ⁠— even if it is just a one-day trial ⁠— to see if there are any suitors. These are more than likely to have frequent social events, which is when you can chat with ease to those who you find attractive. You must subtly project your interest in someone through body language.

Should you be after an educated and cultured man, consider a change or update to your appearance to give you a new inner confidence. This will also help you to attract the sort of man that you can envisage yourself to be with romantically.

Ladies can easily alter hairstyle, nails and scent. If necessary, get to the gym to have the toned body you desire. Yet to polish everything off it is worth investing in new accessories, clothes, footwear, jewellery and make-up.

With this combination you’ll have a new spring in your step and be brimming with confidence as well as looking knockout. Showing such confidence and introducing some romantic gestures will considerably help you in your pursuit to finding someone special.

This improved version of you, who is so confident, will be happy to turn the tables by being the one who makes the first step towards a meaningful relationship.

Once things are smooth sailing between you and new gentleman, I urge you to invite him over for a candlelit dinner ⁠— make it midweek so he won’t anticipate a stopover. Women can also enjoy the thrill of the chase by being romantic, and by taking the lead.

By making the effort to be proactive and doing something about it can pay dividends to kick-starting a new amorous relationship, as you build mutual trust and respect. The total opposite of online dating, where virtually everyone wants to keep dating until the find their seemingly elusive perfect partner.

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