Was This a Lucky Escape?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
A fortnight before I was about to book a surprise trip to the Dominican Republic when I got taken ill.
I’d intended to propose on vacation to my girlfriend of 2.5 years. She bolted when she found out that my health may not be 100%. I’ve been given the all clear now from this scare.
It hurts that I’ve been ghosted by her, as I’ve not heard a squeak since.
I’ve got mixed feelings about this, because I was ready to settle down with what appeared to be the love of my life. Friends have told me this was a lucky escape. Should I try to forget her and move on?
Dayton, St. Andrew
Love Doctor’s Answer:
People deal with major matters in different ways, and to be able to draw a line under what was obviously a long-term loving relationship you do need to consider closure.
It must be frustrating that she not only disappeared out of your life, but that she has failed to communicate with you. I’m assuming that you have tried to reach out to her.
At least you didn’t end up marrying her to find out how she would cope should you be taken unwell, so saved a small fortune from a potential divorce.
Rather than allow yourself to be angry about her reaction, it would be best to send a curious message — not an emotional needy one — to her unless she’s blocked you.
It will make you feel better by sending a short message to let her know how much you enjoyed spending time with her. Include in the message that you are surprised to not hear from her.
If she has a heart and is a decent human being she should be able to explain her decision for this sudden exit. If she chooses to continue ghosting you then you’re best to stop looking for closure and beating yourself up about this split, because she’ll eventually get in touch if she wants to.
Unfortunately you’ll have to just take the pain of heartache on the chin and crack on with your life. Think of the money saved from not having the vacation and giving her an engagement ring.
Love hurts after a break-up, and you’ll be going through all of those terrible emotions. You’ll have to suffer shock, denial, sadness, anger, loneliness and fear before you can find solace with acceptance and finally forgiveness.
These are all phases that you’ll sadly have to experience to heal your heart. Missing your lady will prove painful, but to cope it’s best to recall all of her good qualities and to treasure the moments you shared rather than feel resentful that she’s no longer around.
Time is the only healer, and it can take up to three years to get over a split from someone that you’ve been devoted to and so deeply in love with.
Instead of reflecting on the past, you need to dust down your emotions and start focusing on the future. Plan your happiness and your goals without this lady.
Bouncing back from setbacks shows our character, and when you’re ready for a new relationship then it may well happen organically. However, there is a tried and tested quick-fix to finding a meaningful long-term relationship.
Don’t try to rush into the arms of just anyone. I urge you to follow the popular Jamaican expression of ‘focus pon di future’ by avoiding going down the route of trying to get back with an ex-girlfriend as the easy option.
You’ll initially find trepidation with your new life without this lady that you wanted to marry, and at times will feel alone. Unless there’s some major reason for her ghosting you, then you’ve swerved being with someone who wouldn’t support you when you needed it most.
Your friends are spot on about you being better off with her. Now’s the tricky time for you to start to accept your split.
Forgiveness is something that’s vital if you want to move on. When you are ready to forgive her for breaking your heart and smashing your dreams, then you’ll discover that you’ve forgiven yourself too. This is when you’ll know that you’ve finally moved on and are emotionally stable.
Overall it sounds extremely cold-hearted by this lady. If she couldn’t be there when you required her support then you’re definitely better off without her. I advise you to never contemplate getting back together, otherwise it will only end in tears again.
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