Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
What’s your advice to get a man? Is there a quick-fix, apart from hook-up websites, which are not my kind of thing?
I’m in my mid-40s and enjoy going to church, dancing and swimming. While looking for a second chance at finding love I’m getting worried that I’m too fussy about dating again. I’ve heard from a few ex-boyfriends since the COVID-19 crisis started, but I’m really not interested in going backwards. I have a teenager, so not looking to be a mother again.
How do I go about finding a man for a long-term relationship?
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Finding the next Mr Right depends largely on whether you are seeking a man to complete your family or whether you are after a suitor to love and adore you.
Dating apps and websites are best avoided as they tend to either be full of fake profiles, those on the hunt for meaningless sex, shallow people who wish to punch above their weight as well as those desperately seeking the perfect person but won’t compromise on who ticks all the boxes so shall be online for years.
You do not need to be intimidated by going back on the dating scene face-to-face once the social distancing rules are eased. It will be daunting, but if you can be prepared then the only butterflies will be the thrill of going out on a date.
It is good news that you are following the Jamaican expression of ‘focus pon di future’ by avoiding going down the route of a repeat performance with any ex-boyfriends. Only if there was a real powerful love and bond between you would I ever advise returning into his arms.
You are seeking a quick-fix solution. My words of warning are that the quicker the relationship rolls from the start then the higher the likelihood that the romance will end abruptly.
Should you rush things from the start then you are probably going to appear desperate or the relationship is primarily built on lust. Either of these could result in an abrupt exit by the man that you are showing interest in.
As you have certain hobbies – church-goer, dancing and swimming – then you are going to be socialising with sets of people who hold the same interests. Mutual interests are a terrific bond between people, and offer a good chance to strike up a conversation. Next time you go to church, dancing or swimming you need to up your game by dressing up to attract a potential partner and approaching any men who show some prospect of interest towards you.
You are aware how other ladies who appeal to men dress at these trio of places, so you need to ensure that you don’t lag behind those women who are constantly grabbing attention from men. If you are well groomed and smelling nice with a solid smile, inviting demeanour and confident then you are more than halfway there to attracting men.
COVID-19 happened and has left many single people lonely, yet on the other hand many seemingly solid relationships have ground to a sudden halt. This means that there will be a plethora of singletons who are ready to date again, yet many shall be wary of how they will once more find love.
I suggest that you ask family and friends about the type of person that they envisage you with, and compare that to the sort of man that you are generally seeking. By looking at these pair of ideal men you will discover whether you have been looking for the wrong potential partner for years. You may strike it lucky if someone you ask tries to play match-maker by setting up a blind date for you.
Away from blind dates you can look towards those who enjoy the same hobbies as you, as these mean something to both of you. There will undoubtedly be singletons when you go to church, dancing and swimming. So scan these places to see who catches your eye and act accordingly by introducing yourself with positive vibes. If you stand back by being shy then you could miss the opportunity of getting to know any man that you may like to date.
Be aware that the majority of singletons in their 40s are also looking for a second chance at finding love and a long-term relationship. Although you use the word ‘fussy’ I am steered towards the fear factor of rejection instead as your excuse, but there is no reason to be terrified.
I suggest to kick off you become more fashion savvy and start loving yourself. This may sound like a cliché, but once you actually believe that you are lovable then it becomes so much easier for a potential suitor to love you.
The majority of single people tend to strongly believe that only certain aspects of them are lovable, but that is perfectly normal. A new man is likely to initially see you through rose-tinted glasses. Any flaws you have will be overlooked for the whole package in time, if he truly loves you and is worthy of a long-term relationship with you.
You should not waste your time by hoping things will suddenly work out with a perfect quick-fix. Patience will pay off if you can give love to the world around you and can be reciprocated by you being grounded, loving and of course noticeable to single men.
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