My Relationships Feel Like Groundhog Day
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve had three long-term partners that all ended the same terrible way, with each girlfriend being unfaithful.
Every relationship lasts around four years before they start sneaking around, and then just run into the arms of another man.
I admit that I used to like a tipple with the first woman. My second one was probably a bit trashy. This last one went just after we celebrated the new year and I’m really upset.
I’m unsure what’s going wrong. I want to know whether I should find some ‘me time’ before I embark on my next relationship.
Damerae, St. Catherine
Love Doctor’s Answer:
You are the common denominator in this, but just because there’s a pattern doesn’t mean that you are in the wrong.
For the same thing to keep on happening will leave doubts in your mind about yourself. However, you need to appreciate that you’ve avoided three ladies who were not worthy of your love and devotion if they were playing around behind your back. So don’t let this latest lady damage your self worth.
Just imagine how you would have felt if you had married any of these? The turmoil and trauma of going through a divorce, on top of having your self-esteem battered, would have been more painful.
You mention that you used to like to drink maybe too much with your first girlfriend, but at least have pinpointed the potential reason that you split up. Alcohol can affect people in many different ways, they can sleep it off or they can turn on those they love like a rabid dog.
It sounds as though you learned from that mistake, but then went for someone who you refer to as “trashy”. Maybe you weren’t going to be compatible with her from the start. If you looked down on her, then she had every right to get out of the partnership.
You should always respect the person that you date. If you ever believe that she is not up to your standards then please don’t waste her time, because she deserves both short-term and long-term happiness as much as you.
The third lady to leave your heart in tatters may have been a shock to your system, but you do need to examine why these relationships keep crashing.
If you can be a true gentleman, and of course it’s appropriate for your first two exes, then I suggest that you try to reach out to ask exactly why they did their vanishing trick?
You may not like the facts they deliver, but rather than put over your point of view when they tell you what went wrong then please simply listen.
Flaws do appear in a person once the honeymoon period is over, although for these relationships to each last four years means that maybe something happens over time.
If you want to truly understand what to alter then you should ask both of these previous partners what you could have changed. These are females, who should be direct with you, and hopefully the pair can shed some light on why they decided you weren’t good enough for them.
Should they not be able to provide the answer then ask some really close friends for their opinion. You may be surprised by their frankness, but at the end of the day you don’t want a repeat of this, although you may find that you were too stuck in your ways.
I 100% advise you to find some ‘me time’ to reflect on what keeps happening, rather than seeking a quick fix solution. Ladies like men who show commitment, and maybe you have never been ready enough to fully commit.
You should spend some time trying to piece together the mystery of why your love interests prefer another man to you.
Work out how you can better yourself. This is not just about your appearance, but looking at your character. It may be worthwhile injecting some sensible chat-up lines to break the ice when you are ready to consider dating again.
I urge you to take a look at trying to upgrade yourself – new haircut, aftershave, clothes and footwear as well as changing your social scene with different places to visit.
Maybe even find a brand new hobby. With the improved version of you out and about, then hopefully you’ll meet a suitress organically and find long-term happiness together.
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