Time To Raise My Bar With My Buddies To Find Love
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Question:
I’ve just realised how stupid I’ve been by sitting at the bar with friends every Friday and Saturday evening, expecting to meet the woman of my dreams to appear.
Even though I’ve made eye contact with a handful of attractive looking ones, I’ve not uttered a word to any women in these bar situations in over three years.
My friends encourage me to hang out with them. They’re all married and when they go home, I’m left all alone for the rest of the weekend, which has taken me years to realise that I need a relationship.
What should I say to my friends and any nice-looking single women?
G, Ocho Rios
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Everything we do throughout life, even if it fails to produce the desired results, is a useful process and never a waste of time. It’s all a learning curve, and for many it can take longer to see the light.
Your buddies sound as though they both motivated and manipulated you in equal measures. This has probably been a scenario of you being so good-natured that they’ve relied on you to keep them company for years, rather than be helpful in trying to find you a suitable lady for a potential romantic liaison.
I suspect that you didn’t meet your entire crowd of married friends every Friday and Saturday, although it appears that their respective wives have been happy for them to meet up with you as they don’t consider you to be a ladykiller.
You obviously didn’t wish to be seen as a bit of a loner, so were delighted by their company. Yet now is the time to be direct by asking them to help you find a romantic relationship.
Surely after such a lengthy time in your group, possibly visiting the same bars in the Ochi region, you have perhaps become a familiar face to local ladies. As you were always with men who were married, some may even sport a wedding ring, it may have been assumed that you were also a taken man.
I’m perplexed as to why you never attempted to open a conversation with a lady who grabbed your attention in these bar visits, but the past has gone so you need to firmly focus on the future. No use being shy, grab opportunities otherwise you’ll start having regrets.
I urge you to collar your friends and tell them firmly, but politely, that you enjoy catching up with them and hanging out. Explain how much you value their companionship and friendship, which for many men is a massive hurdle to tell their buddies.
You’ll then need to deliver the sucker punch by informing them, quite selfishly, that you need to get something more out of the usual Friday and Saturday rendezvous.
Make eye contact with your mates and tell them that you want what they have, a loving lady to go back to at night.
It’s not necessary to pour your heart out nor give them a sob story, but you must tell them that you require their collective support to help find that seemingly elusive special someone.
It’s crucial to let them know that you simply want to have a slice of their contentment, rather than remain single forever.
Ask them during one of your bar visits what sort of lady they genuinely see you with. You could get some enterprising responses if they’ve had a little too much alcohol.
As men are visual creatures, and frequently shallow, expect answers about looks rather than character or personality.
Yet use their judgement, only after you have heard from them all, to ask them if they know any women that they have just described. If they say no, politely request that they keep an eye out for that specific lady that they believe could be a perfect match as you are dying to meet her.
You’ll be surprised at how quickly at least one of them will suddenly find this dream date for you.
Whenever we contemplate buying a specific object — be it a car, phone or pair of trainers — we tend to start seeing exactly what we wish to potentially purchase. This is because our conscious and subconscious are pushing us towards what we desire.
This applies to you, and to a lesser extent your friends, meaning that you need to be patient.
I urge you to tell your chums that you believe by aimlessly hanging around the same old bars, week after week, will never find a romantic relationship.
Ask them to put their thinking caps on about where to meet suitable single ladies, and you can give them a hand without revealing that you have checked out my guide on how to meet single women.
This is all well and good, but it’s time to ensure that you come across as attractive, charming and eligible to date.
It’s obvious from your dilemma that you aren’t a womaniser, nor highly irresistible to the fairer sex. The latter needs addressing, initially by trying to make yourself more visually appealing by updating your look.
Ask some females that you can trust, family or even work colleagues, for three things that they would change about you in terms of looks. You may need a thick skin, but ultimately you are getting a female angle to help improve your appearance.
It’s time to dust yourself down and give yourself a makeover, maybe start modelling your wardrobe on a celebrity that you admire and perhaps take notice of some of those changes that females suggested.
Only buy clothes that feel good on you, regardless of the price tag. This is because these will improve your confidence and give you a little bit of swagger over time. Only buy designer clothing if it is in your budget, suits your build and you really like it — never waste money trying to show off.
There are other factors required for you to present yourself to potential romantic partners as the best you can be, without splashing the cash to try and impress with fancy accessories. Although a big watch shows confidence, which a woman likes, and by you wearing a blazer or similar is the equivalent of her sporting a swimming costume.
Your personal grooming needs to be spot on. Always opt for a citrus aftershave as your signature scent when actively looking to meet a new lady, or dating. The aromas of grapefruit, lemon and orange awaken the sexual senses.
To be charming costs nothing, the same goes for chivalry and manners, yet collectively these soon become admired by the fairer sex.
If you get the chance to offer your bar seat or hold open a door to a lady, it will be noticed and over time become second nature for you. I personally always open the car door for my lady to jump into her vehicle.
Being respectful should be not only be directed towards a lady you are trying to impress, but towards everyone and in your case that definitely includes bar staff.
Check that you possess confident body language, especially your posture, which will go a long way to making a lady feel comfortable around you.
A wandering eye towards a pretty woman going by is a terrible trait among so many men of all ages, who tend to dribble over a good-looking lady from time-to-time. In total contrast, eye gazing — holding someone’s eye contact for more than two seconds and smiling with your eyes — is flirtatious and purveys self-assurance.
Active listening and giving a small nod to reiterate positivity as well as asking questions that aren’t intrusive. and only discussing the information you’ve just learned from a woman, are two crucial factors that can help trigger a lady’s genuine interest in you.
Yet when a pretty lady scours the bar and sees a group of men, probably fooling around, it’s unlikely that she’ll come anywhere near you lot and so you automatically miss your opportunity to pay her a compliment.
Take the bull by the horns, by letting everyone in the entire bar perceive you as confident, respectful and admired by your friends. This should help trigger you to be fearless when you do throw a compliment at a lady, which must only be genuine.
If you wish to say something about her clothing or accessories, remember that they are an inanimate object and a woman takes time to co-ordinate her entire outfit, so state something like “Those shoes look fabulous on you and go beautifully with your handbag” or “That dress looks sensational on you and brings out your gorgeous eye colour”.
It can even relate to a drink she orders to try and start a conversation, such as “That’s my favourite tipple, how long have you been enjoying that?”, “That drink always reminds me of a certain event”(eg celebrating a sports victory or individual achievement, raising a glass to a favourite relative at a wedding or funeral etc).
Your main focus is about genuinely making a lady feel approachable and special. If you can equip yourself with long-term charm, rather than short-term chat-up lines, you’ll stand out compared to other men in a bar or elsewhere.
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