Can I Really Find Someone Special?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
Since being bowled over and madly in love for years, I’ve been in some on and off relationships, they only last a couple of weeks because I’ve not had the same vibe.
I want the new year to bring me the same sort of romance that I really loved. It was me that broke up with a good man, and now I realise that I didn’t appreciate everything about him.
How do I go about finding someone really special like him again?
C, Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It sounds like you still have feelings for your ex-boyfriend and are upset that you let him out of your life, but there was a reason why you called it quits. Think why it all fell apart, and who was to blame.
You are probably seeking someone just like him, but an upgrade, yet finding it tricky. By dating for short periods you are not getting the same vibes that you previously had because you invested years of your life together, there was love and trust.
The string of men you have since dated could easily become the one, but you aren’t giving them much of a chance. You are demanding the same fireworks that you built-up with your ex-boyfriend, but surely that took some time to create. Rome wasn’t built in a day!
You have a few options, which includes shaking off your regret for letting that loving partnership falter. Until you get him out of your head and your heart you will never be able to move on with your romantic life.
If you believe that he was a true soul mate to you then there’s nothing to lose by reaching out with a polite message out of the blue to see how he is. This will jog his memory about your existence.
The conversation could ebb and flow. As you ended the relationship then he’ll either be thrilled to hear from you, or be brusque if he thought he was unfairly treated at the end of the relationship.
If you can remain positive towards him, it could bring him back into your life. The only way that you two can potentially get the ball rolling is to apologise profusely, and only once, for allowing your relationship to end.
Be aware that he may have moved on, but if you chat and find out that you are superior to his latest squeeze – please don’t prompt him – then there’s every chance that you could meet up to see if there’s still a spark between you.
If he’s immensely happy with another lady then don’t try and split them up, because you will tarnish what you two experienced and he’ll be unhappy with you.
You may need to meet face-to-face for closure with this “good man”, which may allow you to no longer see your ex-boyfriend through rose-tinted glasses.
You’ve had a string of meaningless dates, and if you could have seen any of these men for more than a handful of dates it may have developed. You’re missing out on finding that seemingly special someone by knocking it on the head so swiftly with this set of dates.
However, if your heart’s not in it then it is always best to draw a line under the brief relationship and keep looking.
I urge you to compile two lists. A list of 10 traits that made your previous boyfriend so special to you, and a list of five things that you would have altered if you had the same relationship with him all over
again. These lists will give you a better perspective of what was wonderful, and why you failed to be perfect partners forever.
You can use these lists to point you towards a new suitor, and they will also make you realise how you should behave better when presented with a man who finds you attractive.
I suggest that the next time you meet someone who is potential date material, please ensure that he has at least five traits from the list of things that you adored about your ex-boyfriend. If he doesn’t have a minimum of five good traits then swiftly swerve him and don’t go out on a date, because ultimately you’re only going to waste your time and his.
Your recent dating experiences appear to be a scattergun approach, and it sounds like you’re only trying to find a replacement for your previous big love. In which case then definitely don’t consider dating someone that reminds you of your ex-boyfriend, whether it’s related to looks or interests.
When you are ready to find someone special, it’s all about connection. There needs to be an emotional and physical connection, and after a few dates this should be intellectual and spiritual too.
That means you don’t need to be so dismissive of these men so quickly. Life is short, so grasp any opportunities when you can without becoming a serial dater. Many people know what they don’t want, but armed with this list you know what you do want romantically.
You need to reflect on why you gave your ex-boyfriend a wide berth, and what was missing with all of your recent dates for you to only briefly see them.
By praising your former flame, and admitting that you didn’t appreciate him, indicates that he’s gone but not forgotten. If the reason you broke up with him could be redeemed, and you both believe that you were soul mates then you need to be direct and tell him that you miss him and still love him.
Be prepared for him to potentially reject you, and how you would feel if that was the case. No one likes to be subjected to rejection, and you don’t want to enter a conversation where you blame each other because that will sour the glorious moments you had together.
A softly softly approach is required if you want him back in your life, but before you entertain that I suggest that you ask some close friends and family members if they thought you made a good couple. If the consensus is that you seem happy and were good for each other then you need to do something about it by reaching out and apologising.
Either you’ll start seeing each other again, and both be committed to making it work a second time round, or you’ll get closure and be able to draw a line about your past.
Whether it is your ex-boyfriend or someone new that you date next, make sure that you each offer value to one another. That is not down to finances, just a way of ensuring that you are worthy of each other and can build a solid relationship.
Giving attention, being committed and supportive on top of good communication are essential aspects that you and any future partner must offer each other for it to be smooth sailing.
If your close friends and family don’t give you the green light to repair your previous loving relationship, then ask them what sort of man they envisage could make you happy. You should listen to their words as their input offers invaluable insight.
Ask them to keep their eyes peeled for the man they describe should any of the prospective partners they conjure up sound amazing. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how often people will play matchmaker, and you could unearth a real gem.
However, stay away from dating apps because unfortunately so many people who use those will meet once or twice while keeping a lookout for someone more attractive looking. Dating apps are full of those who date for the sake of it, mainly for bragging about how many people they have been out with, but they are constantly seeking someone superior.
Men are visual creatures, which means that on dating apps they will keep chasing ladies if they are devilishly good looking. Yet with filters commonly used, and downright lies about themselves, many singletons invent someone that they want to be.
You want real, not fake, so get yourself out there and join classes for subject matters that truly interest you. Best to avoid those who are actively on dating sites, because there’s a high chance that these men that you mix with in classes will keep moving onto someone that caught their eye. At classes you have a terrific chance to meet single men with the same interest as you, which can help build the foundations for a loving relationship.
When you next date, your ex-boyfriend or someone new, it’s best to establish whether you have similar aspirations. With this affinity you can work towards these goals and enjoy a meaningful relationship.
In the meantime take a good look at yourself and calculate how you can give yourself an upgrade, in terms of looks and attire. You want to appeal to suitable single men, so dress and accessorise how you would feel comfortable.
This makeover will increase your confidence and hopefully make you feel happier, which will attract attention from friends and single men. You’ll no doubt generate more interest, and with your must-have list of traits for a future boyfriend can be picky rather than keep going on dates that never materialise into anything.
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