Dear Love Doctor

Should I Get In Touch With My Hurt Ex?

Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.

Question:

I’ve been single for around six months after dumping my previous boyfriend. I’m starting to feel lonely now that friends and family are talking about Christmas and New Year plans.

I’m really starting to miss my ex-boyfriend, who always spoiled me rotten. He even took me away on a fancy vacation to kick off 2024. Should I reach out to him in the spirit of Christmas, even though I broke his heart?

J, Westmoreland

  

 

Love Doctor’s Answer:

The festive season, as well as Valentine’s Day, are the prime times when singletons start to feel left out and possibly lonely. The reason is because times for celebration are all about being in a happy relationship.

This sugar-coated portrayal is more to do with commercialism than realism, which unfortunately makes many single people feel upset when they recall their previous love life.

A knee-jerk reaction tends to come to the forefront during these periods, and often making contact with a former partner can appear like a quick fix solution.

It is usually just papering over the cracks, and often one person stinks of desperation when they reach out to an ex-lover just because it is the season to be jolly.

There was at least one solid reason for you dumping your man. If it was your mistake around half-a-year ago or not is questionable if you are contemplating whether to make contact with him, or even try to rekindle the loving relationship.

Just because you are hearing about exciting plans for Christmas and New Year, which I can only assume are primarily to do with couples, doesn’t mean you feel obliged to turn back time.

If you want to make contact with your ex for the right reasons, then yes go ahead and message him or better still call him. That is if he hasn’t blocked you. However, before you consider doing that it’s very important that you don’t give out the wrong signals.

  

It is okay if your ultimate aim is to just have a catch up as friends and spend some valuable time with him as you are lonely.

You mention that you broke his heart, so the likelihood is that he would either jump at the chance to see you again or he would be angry with you for the pain you caused so could ignore you.

It is highly probable that he remains in love with you if he was deeply enamoured by you before the break-up, so be aware that any contact could raise his hopes of having another shot as a couple.

Should your desire to see him be purely selfish, such as you want to have male company over the festive season or after some gifts because you state that he spoiled you, then that’s unfair on him. You should never play with someone’s emotions.

Yet if you are missing him and the fun you had together, then you should do some soul searching before you potentially make contact. Think about the deep-rooted reasons why you would wish to try to reignite the flames of passion between you, and take a reality check on why you dismissed him.

You need to be direct with him that you would like a second bite at the cherry if you can admit to yourself that you made a mistake by walking out of his life, and feel that turning back the clock to when you were a happy couple is achievable.

Yet, on top of your needs, you’ll also have to appreciate that he may have moved on and found a new romance. If that’s the situation it pretty much scuppers any possible advances from you to meet up. You don’t want to be one of those ladies who dumps her man then months later clicks her fingers and expects him to leave his latest love interest.

The only way that a second chance at a meaningful relationship is going to work wonders is if you were true soulmates and also if there was a strong enough reason for the split. Don’t ignore these essential elements, and put your thinking cap on to see if you could get back together with ease.

Should you only wish to see him to fill the temporary void of being lonely, or he is romantically involved, then you are offering him no value in meeting up. This time the tables could be turned and you could be the one suffering from rejection.

  

No one likes rejection. Which is why the festive season and Valentine’s Day are the best times to find someone, although generally these are singletons who are desperate not to be alone. This results in numerous couples getting together and not being as picky as the rest of the year. More than likely these end up as an extremely brief romance, and ultimately mean people’s self-esteem takes a battering.

You will no doubt get asked by friends, family and colleagues to parties and events. These should be brimming with single men who are on the hunt to find someone to celebrate Christmas and the New Year with, so you need to up your flirty skills and not accept the advances of the first man that shows interest — unless you genuinely believe you have a long-term future.

You need to have your guard up, especially as the alcohol will be flowing at events and parties, towards just any good-looking man wishing for romance. You’ll soon know when you are ready for love, by being emotionally available, rather than rushing things by contacting your ex-boyfriend.

I suggest that you compile an impromptu list of five important characteristics that you value, so that any gents who don’t possess all five cannot be contemplated as future boyfriend material.

On the subject of traits, you should equally also have a list of your top five characteristics and consider the value you can offer to a new relationship. You may find that your potential Prince Charming is just waiting to meet you at a party.

Or you may realise, if you get to meet your ex-boyfriend, that the sparks between you are still there. However, you would need to rebuild his trust and respect in you, which could only begin by admitting you were foolish to let him slip out of your life and asking him to forgive you.


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