How Do I Stop Acting Shady?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve been in a reasonably happy partnership for six months. Suddenly I’ve had my head turned by not one woman but two.
Although I go to church and I firmly believe in a monogamous relationship, I’m drawn towards these two women for different reasons. One is older than me, she’s full of wisdom and quotes the bible beautifully. The other is younger and a physical dream compared to my current squeeze.
I’m tempted to entertain dating one of these women and stick to monogamy. That means I would have to give up my gal. They all go to the same church. What’s the best plan looking forward as it’s driving me crazy?
Andrew, Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It is great news that you are in favour of a monogamous relationship, but it sounds like bad news for your partner as it seems obvious that your heart’s not in it for your head to be turned by two ladies.
When you refer to wishing to continue to be monogamous, don’t forget that means only one partner. It can equally apply whether the relationship is sexual or emotional, so you must only ever give the one love interest your total devotion and attention.
You obviously lack the respect and trust that your current lady deserves for your relationship to flourish by clearly considering other love interests, and stating that one woman is a “physical dream” in comparison to her.
Before you decide to make a choice about your future romantic life, end the suffering for you and your current girlfriend. It’s not healthy for you to be eyeing up other women, especially as they probably know each other from the church, and you are acting shady.
End this agony with some dignity and some respect towards her, as you’ve spent six months together and it has drawn to a natural close. I suggest that you look into her eyes when you have a proper clear the air talk, discussing why you potentially wish to go your separate ways.
For goodness sake don’t mention that you’ve noticed other ladies, because that would be hurtful for her and she could bad-mouth you around the church.
Try to communicate face-to-face in a public place as soon as possible, obviously not the church or anywhere that you could bump into these two ladies that have caught your eye.
During this conversation each of you should take the time to evaluate what has gone wrong in your romance. You should challenge her in the nicest possible way as to why the relationship has deteriorated when it is fairly new.
To get the ball rolling for this daunting talk, use the best trick for delivering bad news by giving her two positives beforehand. Kick off by explaining what initially drew you towards her, then hone in on why you fell in love with her, and then explain why you feel it is all going pear-shaped.
So as not to hurt her it may be best to suggest that a break is required, and see what her train of thought is. My advice is to ask her for feedback about where you have failed to live up to her expectations, which could stand you in good stead for future romances.
She may be persuasive enough to point out that your problems can be rectified. and come up with ideas to improve the relationship. If she does tempt you to repair the partnership then you must change and stop looking at other ladies, otherwise this issue will keep returning like a boomerang.
Should she realise it is over and can’t be rectified, then ensure that you are the genuine good guy. Don’t say anything that can hurt her, and keep calm if she starts throwing insults at you.
If there is no solution, please don’t entertain meeting any other ladies until the dust has settled because it will be an insult for your current girlfriend and will look like you have entered a rebound relationship.
You don’t want to provoke her into being one of those ladies who goes around saying bad things about you, as that could jeopardise any future relationship.
As you appear to be yearning to be with one of these two ladies you have in your sights, you should try to find out a bit more about their character and consider what value they offer you.
Do some soul searching and work out whether either of these ladies would tick the box emotionally, physically and spiritually for your next meaningful relationship. You’ve mentioned the main reason for each lady about what you have found so attractive.
One of these love interests could already be in a happy relationship, which would mean the decision could be made for you about which lady to pursue romantically.
You shouldn’t want to be eagerly starting a new chapter. After a couple of weeks if you remain undecided about which lady is best for a monogamous relationship with you, feel free to ask people for their feedback about how they see you together with each lady if romance blossoms.
Regardless of whether either of these ladies or someone else becomes your love interest, you must keep your blinkers on in the next relationship and enhance your romantic happiness through positive emotions and thoughts.
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