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I want to dump my girlfriend as she keeps in touch with former lovers and will not stop.
We have been together for just over a year and I think she hedges her bets by remaining in contact. What is the most polite and practical way to dump her?
Andy, Montego Bay
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Sorry that your dating phase has come to a natural conclusion with this needless complication, but you are justified to be upset that your partner has been spending so much time in touch with exes.
The only way to condone your lady for staying in touch with any of her former lovers is if they are bound together by children or work.
My advice before you call time on your relationship is to explain that you are in her arms now, and feel hurt that she remains in close contact with a handful of exes. Be firm but polite when you describe that she has crossed your boundaries.
You could be spot on that she is hedging her bets. I suggest you tell her that you suspect she is only staying in touch with these men because she feels that there could eventually be friends with benefits.
If you want to give your relationship a chance of survival then you must inform her that you need convincing the future is just about the two of you. Tell her that you are that someone special and feel she is wonderful, but feel that she is currently not serious enough about you and that you require commitment to resume your relationship like it was at the beginning.
By voicing your concern you will discover whether she values your partnership or not, and whether it is the end of the road. But it is better to broach the subject now that you have the bit between your teeth, rather than suddenly discover that she is cheating on you.
It is still a horrible situation to face, but absolutely necessary as your head and heart are not on the same page. You have options of either doing nothing and permitting things to drift, halting her behaviour that clearly upsets you or being courageous and dumping her.
If this lady has lost her attraction for you then it sounds like she is trying to fill the void of excitement that she once had with you, by keeping in touch with former boyfriends.
If you can offer her that attraction and kind of excitement to return then you can turn this situation around. But you need to be the man and give her an ultimatum to potentially get things back on track or end the romantic relationship.
However, it does not sound as though you wish to rescue your relationship and prefer to break up in order to move on. It appears that if you do not dump her then she will end the partnership soon as she has lost all respect for you by constantly being in touch with these men.
By ending the relationship you will at least salvage some dignity as long as you proceed properly. So rather than dumping her via a call or message, ensure that you initiate the breakup by arranging to meet up face-to-face.
Tell her that she has repeatedly overstepped the mark and, despite your polite requests to stop being in touch with exes, you have relationship standards that she has failed to meet. I suggest that you use this as the main leverage that you wish to part ways.
In all probability she will burst into tears and try to talk you around, but my advice is to not cave and comfort her. I advise you to make a quick exit rather than get into a debate that gets one of you angry. You need to depart the scene, which means you make a dignified exit but I urge you to show no emotion.
Your relationship has hit a wall, and she has underestimated you. If she agrees that a split is for the best then that means your trepidation, about her spicing up her life by keeping in touch with ex-boyfriends, was justified.
It is completely okay to cut ties now, despite knowing how upsetting it is to lose each other romantically. Just do not allow yourself to be twisted around her little finger to stay friends, because she is likely to be in touch with you when her future relationships are facing a tough time and other men will feel like you do now.
By stepping away then you are ending your investment of both time and devotion to her. I suggest that when you next seek a partner to look for someone who will respect your feelings and that you can have interesting conversations with, as then she will be too busy with you to have the desire to contact any former boyfriends.
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