How Do We Move Forward After He Cheated? – Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question
I’ve been hurt by my man who cheated on me last year, and our relationship’s been strained ever since. The pain lingers and with the current situation on the island I don’t really know what he’s up to, so I’m confused about moving forward.
Angel – St Andrew
Love Doctor’s Answer
Being cheated on appears commonplace across the globe and not just in Jamaica, which obviously affects your self-esteem.
However, it sounds that you have succumbed to his charms yet again. Although as you state you don’t know what he is up then it seems you suspect he has strayed again.
It is unacceptable to put up with being second best to become his sidechick rather than his priority, regardless of the tricky times we are experiencing with the coronavirus pandemic.
My advice is to undertake some research if you still want this man in your life, and find out whether he is being loyal to you. If you discover more than one person relays the bad news that your man is cheating then the chances are it’s true, or as they say on the island “near fi guh suh”.
Be prepared for the worst case scenario and have a back-up plan in place. Do you need this relationship when there is so little trust? Your relationship has only become strained because of his misbehaviour.
Cheaters constantly lie for no reason at all. If his stories don’t add up and he doesn’t remember what he told you, then the chances are he has returned to his wicked ways.
I suggest that instead of nagging him, just listen because a serial liar will always mess up his storyline. Follow the proverb from William Shakespeare of letting ‘him fall on his own sword’ to inflict his own damage on himself.
Promiscuity is a notion that many Jamaican men believe is their birthright, but where is the trust if they stray?
Once trust has gone between partners then the relationship is on a downward spiral until it evaporates, meaning that most couples remain in a romance simply because they fear being alone or having to search for a new partner.
By letting the broken-down relationship be a lesson learned, my advice is to next time ensure that your next partner has never cheated before or is not a player. You need to check this before entering a relationship, otherwise you will experience pain once more as the romance will only be short-term.
Also when you do venture on dates, either with your current squeeze or a new man, make sure that he finds time for you. If he’s not prepared to give you plenty of attention then the likelihood is that someone else has his attention.
You must never be a spare tyre nor back-up plan because you are worth more than that, so move away from this scenario.
It does sound as though you are better off seeking a new partner as you have suffered turmoil and no longer trust him.
The dating scene has altered since I last lived in Kingston, and I understand that many men tend to avoid the romantic times when they get to know a lady before getting physical.
Dancehall music has proved one of the reasons behind why many Jamaican men believe that their pleasure is far more important than female satisfaction. Think about Jamaican men and the fact that so many are not fond of cuddling, preferring to resort to caveman tactics of bedroom fun that leaves the woman to find her own creative ways to maximise sexual pleasure.
You will no doubt be aware, from either your own experiences or from friends, about the stories of a man calling to ask to meet but being direct by asking if “you ago run some”.
Don’t be that desperate by agreeing to a date with a man clearly after one thing, because it is likely to be a one-off date as this is a man who is a serial cheater or player. Hopefully your man is not in the same ilk.
You must undertake some research on him, and if it is all good news then I suggest some soul-searching is required to contemplate whether it is the end of the road for you two or whether you truly wish to spend the rest of your life with him.
Time is the only healer to mend your broken heart, but please choose more carefully if you decide to move forward and in the future prepare for any potential partners who fancy more than one date.
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