Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I admit that I’m not a good looking man, which explains why I’ve been single most of my life.
I’m in my 40s and always dated the less attractive girls as they are more on my level, but it always goes nowhere.
Having seen Cameron Diaz and Cate Blancett with ugly husbands, I now realise that I want a good looking woman as my wife but how do I even ask her out?
Richard – Trelawny
Love Doctor’s Answer
Love and romance is not all about looks, otherwise only those deemed stunning would be involved in relationships.
It is about the whole package, so what is underneath the bonnet is extremely important. However, we live in a world where we want instant results, so nowadays we are increasingly judging people and products within seconds.
Good looks fade over time, but character will always remain. Therefore you have to ensure that your unique character is visible to any potential partners.
You may need a makeover to reflect the true you on the outside, which comprises of much more than a trendy haircut and a new set of clothes/footwear. A turd can be sprinkled with gold particles and scented, yet underneath it all it remains a turd.
My advice is to take a good look at your appearance and how you project yourself, because it sounds as though your self confidence has taken a beating over the years.
Concentrate on a hairstyle (and maybe facial hair) that portrays you age and is in vogue, but change barber for a new look. You will feel better in yourself with a different style and no doubt will receive positive comments from friends and family.
Taking pride in yourself also means that the cosmetics that you use need an upgrade, so splash the cash on better products such as a body spray, deodorant, razor, shaving gel, shower gel etc for top notch male maintenance.
Women always find the scent of a man attractive, so invest in a good quality eau de parfum that is not overpowering but smells masculine. Picking the correct fragrance for you is the discreet necessity that every man needs.
Aftershaves offer soothing qualities and last around three hours, whereas eau de perfum are much more powerful and can be typically smelt six hours after being applied.
My advice is opt for intense tones with masculine base scents such as cedarwood and a woody aromatic.
Your clothing makes a statement about you, so the first step is to ask your friends and family how they would change your attire. These are the people who know you best so they will offer their honest opinion.
Collate all the information and inject your own thoughts so that you dress appropriately for your age, but tailor your clothing for each occasion – chilling out, out ‘n’ about, vacation, work and so forth. Good quality jeans and shorts as well as some crisp shirts are an absolute must in your wardrobe.
Which brings me onto footwear and accessories. A good woman will always notice a man’s choice of footwear, so opt for practical yet stylish each time and never wear the same pair of shoes two days on the trot – it is bad for your feet and people will notice that you haven’t changed them.
Accessories play a vital part in making you feel confident as well as attracting attention, with the majority of ladies noticing not just these but the brand too.
Never aim for cheap nor fake accessories, buy what you can afford. You should ensure that you have at least two of the following: bag, backpack, belt, cap, hat, keyring, sunglasses, wallet and watch. Maybe also sport the following: bracelet, earring, necklace, ring and scarf.
My advice is to only ever buy accessories, clothing and footwear that makes you feel good and that you like. Far too many people spend big bucks just to try and impress others, but then these stay in their wardrobe after a while. Being yourself is definitely the best way forward.
When you meet any potential partners they want to know about you. If you can show that you care about your appearance then you’ll find that more women will be approachable.
As for you having settled for the ladies who are not the most beautiful in the world does show that you have lacked confidence, probably fearing rejection from the better looking women.
Studies over decades have proved that really gorgeous looking ladies often end up with admirers from afar, but they tend to not be asked out as much as those with average looks.
The reason that beautiful people often hang out in groups is simple, there’s a proverb of ‘birds of a feather stick together’. You find that happens globally, not just in Jamaica.
Cameron Diaz and Cate Blancett are successful, slim blondes who smile most of the time and had a string of boyfriends before settling down with arguably not the most handsome husband respectively. The reason behind most high-end celebrities ending up with someone who is not equal to them in terms of looks is down to the fact that they like to be the centre of attention. Once these celebrities have tasted the adulation that fame brings, they still want to walk into a room and dazzle with their good looks rather than have their partner steal their limelight.
Now you know how to make yourself look and feel better, which will boost your self-esteem, so you can start preparing to approach those ladies that you deem are far better looking than you. If you get the brush off then so be it. But in any potential relationship you have to offer them something.
I reiterate that good looks and fabulous personalities don’t always go hand in hand, so you don’t need to only be attracted to the ladies who are considered the stunners otherwise you could miss out on finding ‘the one’.
Write a list of the 10 best things about you, which will instil confidence and self belief. Watch how people react differently to you in new attire, sporting accessories that complement your outfits and with a subtle masculine scent – you are ready to get out there.
Now comes the hardest part, what do you say to a lady that you find jaw-droppingly beautiful?
She is the same as all the other women, just blessed with good looks. She will want to receive a compliment or two, wish to be listened to and engage in conversation. Scrap the chat-up lines that she has endlessly had to deal with, be armed with opening up the conversation with something newsworthy or fitting for the place you are meeting.
Remember the donkey and carrot scenario? Ensure you offer her something, such as a drink in a bar or even show your good manners by opening the door to let her go first, to strike up a conversation.
If you are frightened of these then the easiest way to grab her attention is to stand near her to ensure you are in her peripheral vision, but remain mysterious with a genuine short smile every now and again. If you are at the bar and near her, the next time she orders a drink then switch off your cellphone and comment that her drink ‘reminds me of xyx [insert a short story about an exotic trip]’. If she shows interest in you, remember to correctly read her body language, then you can be the man and ask her ‘do you mind if I join you for the same drink?’.
Women, however good looking they are, want a man to be a man and therefore not sit back and glance from afar that makes them feel uncomfortable.
If you do get chatting, ensure that the conversation is 70% about her. And you should listen 60%, speak 40%. Make yourself mysterious otherwise there is no point in arranging a date if she knows everything about you. Women tend to be direct and want to know your age, baggage, car, job, status and so forth. Try talking about those 10 great things about you on your list, but turn the conversation to be about her at every opportunity.
A well heeled man is always going to be more attractive than someone who doesn’t take interest in their appearance and personal hygiene. Try to wear a sports jacket/suit jacket when the occasion fits as for many ladies this is the equivalent of her turning up in a bathing costume.
By following these tips you have the foundations to feel great about yourself and search for a suitable lady. Whether marriage is on the cards is a big leap, you don’t want to run before you can walk so take it step-by-step and let the romance transpire organically.
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