Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I am worried as I’m now fast approaching retirement, aged 58, yet I’m not in a loving relationship.
Please advise what my problem could be with being unable to find the right man.
Sandra – Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer
Love and romance is certainly not always like the movies where everyone lives happily ever after, but these do help to paint a picture of relationships through rose-tinted glasses. These fairy-tale endings do exist as long as we embrace a relationship, because ultimately as individuals we hold the key to our romantic destiny.
But there are barriers regardless of age. Firstly, you need to look at the ponds you are checking to find your Prince Charming as you will have to kiss a lot of frogs first if you constantly pick the wrong ponds for romance.
As you are in your late 50s then you have probably retreated into your comfort zone so are finding yourself set in a bit of a routine, and possibly with isolation in terms of meeting a potential suitor. I suggest that you get out of this self-sufficient bubble to meet new faces with friends, maybe take a risk and join a club where you can mix with new friends.
When you are the new face at the club then exude confidence and self-esteem to make yourself more attractive to any suitable, single men. As we get older many people believe that they are too old for dating but love is for everyone and you need to embrace this fact.
You will naturally have an increasingly self-protective defence mechanism, and over the years no doubt will have realised that repeated rejections have resulted in unhealthy attractions. My advice is that you need to focus on finding someone that can bring value to you and vice-versa. Ideally this single man needs to be your equal in terms of background, interests and looks as well as emotionally available.
You will discover that selecting a potential suitor is not a simple task and, as we get older, we get wiser and tend to become more picky. This is usually down to at least one previous unsatisfying relationship that broke down for whatever reasons. You are bound to have had strong feelings for someone who hurt you emotionally, so there will be deep-rooted intimacy issues as well as the fear factor hurdle to overcome.
Remember that chasing the ultimate dream man is not a grown-up option, but as an experienced person you may not necessarily want the love that you think you desire.
My final piece of advice is don’t look desperately for Mr Right, love often appears when we least expect it. In the meantime you should continue to search for that special someone who values you for who you really are, that man who can really make you happy and bring a smile to your face.
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