Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Since my partner had the snip six years ago our sex life’s been frustrating, and it has reached the point where I’m sick of begging him for sex.
We are both in our 30s and our sex life used to be amazing, even after our two children (aged 8 & 10) were born.
We’ve broken up a few times over this issues as I constantly feel rejected and unloved.
He tells me he loves me but never actually shows it. Although he recently mentioned marriage I’m unsure whether I should simply accept this is how my life will be.
Louisa – Falmouth
Love Doctor’s Answer
It sounds as though you are both dissatisfied with your virtually non-existent sex life, and despite some break-ups you have accepted and learned to live with your arrangement. It’s not good for your emotional well-being to feel rejected and unloved by his behaviour, and no one should be begging for intercourse in a supposedly loving relationship.
Something must have recently happened to prompt you to do something about this issue in your marital type of arrangement, and I suspect that as you are approaching a milestone birthday of 40 then it is the rippling of a mid-life crisis.
Your relationship should not be held together exclusively by sex, otherwise it is the wrong foundation for a long-term future. Intercourse is just one way that couples express their love, which satisfies their own needs as well as the needs of their partner, and there needs to be more intimacy between you two especially with children around.
In many ways it defies logic why you have tolerated this situation for so long, just because he had the snip. Yet the reason why having that procedure has had such a negative impact could be to do with his outlook on his sexuality. You need to appreciate that there are hormones, some non-sexual diseases and physiology that can affect him following the operation. Maybe he feels emasculated by the surgery and ever since believes he has been deprived of his usual spirit, strength and vigour in the bedroom.
My advice is that you should discuss this matter with him to try to find out if it is just coincidence that your sex life has deteriorated ever since his surgery, obviously being supportive as you care and love him.
Yet you also need to have a serious think about what you want, and what you need from him as a partner both now and in the future. Speak to him and explain that you have unwillingly adjusted to a sexless relationship, which is not the basis for a marriage in your view. This should jolt him and hopefully get him to open up about his feelings and worries.
With these concerns out in the open the pair of you can then explore how to rebuild a more loving and intimate relationship. Intimacy seems severely absent from your current situation. Yet intimacy isn’t just about sex, it includes hugs and cuddles, touch and verbal communication.
Life will get easier if you can establish the problems and discuss fondly what originally brought you two together, as this is the basis to help rekindle that initial attraction and spark.
I’ve have developed a greed for watching ‘dirty’ movies on my computer over this recent lockdown. It’s now an addiction as I go for my “fix” around five times a day.
It will end soon because work is on the horizon again. Is this healthy for a man of my age? I’m 47 and a labourer. I’m worried that when I go back to work I won’t use my hands on my own equipment. What should I do?
Mario – Westmoreland
Love Doctor’s Answer
The lockdown and now Sahara desert blanket has left you with plenty of time on your hands, but as you are used to using your hands you’ve been trying to keep them busy.
However, the way that you are getting this short-term fulfilment is going to gradually affect your brain, damage your ability to relate to people in the real world (whenever that returns) and ruin your self-confidence.
Your recent foray into pornography is extremely likely to make you question your appearance, your past and potentially future relationships as well as your sexual prowess. It is not uncommon for middle-aged men to revert to watching videos between romantic relationships or to deal with personal problems, so although you are not alone I wouldn’t call it a healthy appetite.
By regularly watching these videos you’re releasing dopamine into your brain, which produces the feeling of pleasure. Yet you’ll need to keep watching more of these in order to gain the same amount of pleasure that you initially experienced, otherwise you’ll suffer withdrawal symptoms.
My advice is to immediately stop watching these adult videos. Research has shown that those who use these for gratification discover that they experience a less satisfying sexual life than before and often ends up with a non-existent sex life.
If you have developed a full-on sex addiction, because of the recent lockdown difficulties, then you should visit a medical doctor to discuss treatment that can include anti-depressants and other psychotropic medications. Any form of addiction will destroy your life by draining you for energy, money and time, but you will probably require guidance.
Should you wish to avoid the embarrassment of seeking medical advice you have a variety of options that may naturally increase your dopamine to replace your addiction. You can try altering your diet by increasing your intake of antioxidants as well as eating foods rich in tyrosine such as fruit (bananas, papaya and watermelon), proteins (beef, chicken and eggs) and vegetables (avocado, black beans and spinach).
There is always the short-term option of trying a supplement, such as drinks like Blue Mountain coffee and green tea or taking Chinese medicine such as ginseng and ginkgo biloba. On top of either of these routes I would strongly advise improving your lifestyle by trying to exercise more and getting plenty of sleep.
I’m stuck in Europe during lockdown, but soon returning to the island with my 11-year-old daughter. This is really worrying me because I’m having endless fights from a distance with my steady boyfriend, who’s jealous of my two exes.
My boyfriend has been consuming way too much rum during lockdown, getting angry and aggressive towards me during our video calls. These constant arguments are always about my daughter’s father and my most recent ex-boyfriend.
We’ve been together for three years yet we keep having breaks. I’ve ignored him for the past week and just blocked him on my cellphone. Although it feels more relaxing and better for me without him in touch, I do feel guilty.
Over these recent uncertain times I no longer like the man I see on video calls, but what should I do?
Sophia – Bulgaria
Love Doctor’s Answer
With the global lockdown many relationships have become strained, mainly when partners are spending too much time together. In your case it sounds as though your boyfriend is lonely with you away and has ended up consoling himself with alcohol.
Having ignored him then blocked him is a huge step, although you mention that you two do keep having breaks. As something brings you back together each time there’s a glimmer of hope for your relationship to eventually be smooth sailing.
You should dig deep and ask yourself why you have blocked him? Is it for self preservation or to protect your daughter from witnessing your boyfriend in this aggressive state? You have no need to feel guilty, especially as you state that you feel more relaxed without him being in touch.
If you can maintain this lack of contact with him will you remain contented? Maybe the relationship has run its course and this enforced long distance has jolted you.
My advice is that you should consider whether you can learn to stay in your own lane to concentrate on your own life and bringing up your daughter, or whether you are emotionally needy enough that you yearn to be in a relationship.
Your choices are fairly simple. One option is for you to make contact with him and explain exactly why you needed your own space, but be firm and start setting boundaries so that he doesn’t repeat these drunken episodes. The other route to go down is to detach yourself from the relationship, either by continuing to ignore and block him, or by telling him that you wish to rebuild your life and concentrate on your daughter before you can commit to a relationship.
My girlfriend of four years is giving me so much grief when she hits the rum, as she gets insanely jealous of my past. She is always getting drunk on vacation, which has ended in countless arguments about jealousy.
Before we dated I used to have pool parties, but my girlfriend put a stop to these because some old flames turned up after I posted the event on social media.
I’ve recently blocked her on my cell phone because she exploded when I mentioned that I fell in love five years ago with a Greek lady that I met on vacation.
What should I do when she is so out of control towards me because of drinking too much rum?
Sean – Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer
The green-eyed monster is never going to vanish in a relationship, and often people turn to alcohol for some Dutch courage in order to say what is on their mind rather than having a grown up discussion.
The question is does she regret her drunken episodes when she has been mean-spirited and spat out hurtful things or is she merely getting things off her chest?
Jealously usually stems from being cheated on in a previous relationship, so the mistrust remains and eats them up until they implode with rage. Unfortunately it seems that you are being the punchbag for this rage and have allowed it to happen again and again on vacation.
Ideally, when you know that she has calmed down, you should unblock her then explain that your past is your past. Best to quote the traditional Jamaican adage of “focus on the future”, then let her explain why she gets so jealous at the drop of the hat. Once you have listened and are able to understand where she is coming from you can then devise a plan.
As it it rum that is making her out of control then to overcome this hurdle without therapy you have to get her to admit to being a bully under the influence of alcohol, as well as get her to admit that she is drinking too much on vacation and when she needlessly gets jealous.
To start with suggest rum cocktails in future, obviously opting for the less potent drinks, or suggest switching to other drinks. Tell her how much you love and respect her and explain that there is no cause for jealously, definitely ensure that any old flames are out of your life and never mentioned.
But the underlying factor as to whether you can move forward together is if she can control her capacity to become so deeply jealous. People tend to revert to strange behaviour when in a rage of jealously in romantic relationships, which generally stem from either insecurity, obsessive thinking or paranoid personality.
My advice is to turn everything from bad to good. Tell her that the next time she feels the urge to bend your ears with aggressive behaviour, ask her to write down some good aspects about your relationship. I would buy her a fancy pen and paper so she has those to hand, thinks of you when she sees these and can scribble down why she loves you deep down.
If you can prevent drink from driving a wedge between you, and focus on what keeps you together, there’s every chance that you can rekindle your love and devotion towards each other. So much will depend upon what she writes down, time will tell whether your destiny is to be together or not.
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