I’m In Love With A Woman Who Is 14 Years Older Than I Am – Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
Dear Love Doctor:
With this recent lockdown I’ve tried a dating app and met a lovely lady called Maria. It’s been great, we’ve become Facebook friends with tons of flirting every single night as she’s super keen on me.
I’ve told some of my pals about her, because they were ribbing me that I’m the only single guy in our social circle. But one of my friends knows Maria’s son as he works with him.
When I discovered this news I asked my pal how old her son was, and I didn’t like the answer because he said only five years younger than me and I’m in my mid-40s.
I checked her out online and discovered that she’s actually 14 years older than me, and our birthdays are in the same month. My pals will tease me that she is so much older, my father won’t be happy either.
I’m in love, I’ve yet to discuss age with her and we’ve yet to meet in person. My big worry is that she will look the same age as my recently deceased mother.
Should I continue with this relationship or will it be a barrier in the future?
Troy – Trelawny
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Stating that you are in love prior to meeting in person seems unlikely. You are attracted to this lady yet have to see her in the flesh. Being the only singleton among your friends has probably pushed you towards finding a new romance, with the lockdown offering you the perfect time with so much extra time on your hands.
This lady could well be your future relationship, but you are building the foundations of such a liasion on the strength of flirty messages and seeing a photo of each other. I expect that some of this flirting is pretty raunchy, and that is the real attraction here. Lust is not love, and tends to be a short-term fix, which is probably why you haven’t mentioned her to those in your close circle except one trusted friend.
As far as age is concerned it really is a number, we all age differently and some ladies her age will appear younger than they are while some will look older. Take a look at people you know in your age bracket and you will appreciate that they don’t all look the same age. You may be shocked or you may be delighted by how this lady looks when you finally meet in real life, but the reality is that you are only as young as you feel.
However, there appears to be a couple of mental barriers for you. The reaction of your friends and father as well as whether this lady could be perceived to be your mother.
Friends always tease each other about relationships, regardless of the age of partners, so you need to take that in your stride and work out some clever comebacks if you get as far as introducing her to those in your close circle.
You may be subconsciously seeking a replacement mother figure, having lost your mother, and you possibly believe deep down that your father will be displeased of you dating an older lady because he is alone.
Although the general rule of thumb for a romance to properly work out on a long-term basis is an age gap of a maximum of 12 years, there are numerous happy couples where the difference in age around 20 years has been no problem. If it is true love, and at this stage it is not, then it can be smooth sailing and any barriers can be overcome.
My advice is to notch it up a gear by suggesting video calls on Facebook, which means you will see what she looks like as well as be presented with an opportunity to admire her mannerisms and hear her voice. Be prepared to give her some complements about her physical appearance, just don’t make the common mistake of saying you like an inanimate object like clothing or jewellery.
Once you have overcome that small hurdle and you both remain keen on meeting up then you should start moving away from only flirting to make the conversations more meaningful. There really needs to be at least one common interest to help bind you together, but engaging in flirting is not the basis of love – it is the opening gambit to get the ball rolling.
Ladies love a man who listens so seize this extra time you have available to start exploring her background, future plans, interests and work. When you have built up enough of an overall picture of this lady, and seen what she looks like via video calls, you can either plan to meet up or will realise that it has been just some flirty fun.
Question:
I’m sick to death of lockdown and pleased that zero deaths have been recorded across the island for a while because my boyfriend’s been staying with me for six weeks now and driving me crazy.
He’s tall, fit as a flea, has an athletic build and he had a trial with one of the nation’s top sports teams.
During lockdown I’ve discovered that he looks at the mirror more than me and a fortnight ago, after I gave my him a sharp haircut, he’s been walking round my apartment butt naked most of the day and night.
This was fun to start with. When he tenses his muscles up to lift anything heavy, including his weights, and when he opens new large jars of food his fit body is a big turn-off.
I’ve avoided intercourse with him for over a week now, claiming that it is my ‘pay day’ (time of the month), and I find him undesirable after his muscles were naked and so tense.
I want lockdown to end to end us, how can I let him down without hurting him?
Lauren – Kingston 15
Love Doctor’s Answer:
This sounds like a fresh and quite frankly shallow relationship, but lockdown has forced you to live together under the same roof so of course there will be some cracks in the romance.
Many men, whether they are Jamaican or Italian or whatever, will constantly admire themselves in the mirror. Some go to the extreme and check themselves out whenever they catch their reflection, but that doesn’t mean he loves himself more than you.
You are obviously finding it extremely infuriating that he has flaws, but then again no doubt you do too. The so-called ‘honeymoon’ period of your relationship has well and truly come and gone, as you are wishing to end this relationship as soon as possible.
As it sounds as though thst this was a short-term romance, throwing you two together because of the coronavirus pandemic, and because you mention his physical attributes then I suspect this relationship’s foundation was built purely on sex.
You no longer wish to make love with this man for the simple reason that his muscles tense up, and that this is a turn off. We all have beautiful bodies, but when utilising certain muscles it can appear unattractive to some people – and in this case, as he is parading around naked, you are finding him extremely undesirable. The reality is that because he is naked almost all the time the excitement of seeing him undress, a bit like the adrenline we all get when we unwrap a present, has vanished.
There are two solutions available, but you should say something light-hearted and subtly about him spending so much time checking himself out in the mirror as this is irritating you.
The first solution is to mention that you prefer for him to be dressed around the apartment, I suggest that you make an excuse that it is for hygiene purposes or that you don’t want the neighbours to see him. Once he returns to his dressed state, then when he does strip off the previous excitement you had for his body is likely to be there once more.
Once lockdown is over on the island and he goes back to his abode then there could be the excitement rush to see him rather than spend 24/7 together. That may work out, it may not.
Alternatively, you need to start dropping hints about wishing to get back to normality once the lockdown is over and mention that you are really missing your friends. If you can plant the seeds that very shortly you will be extremely busy catching up with friends, then it won’t come as such a body blow that you haven’t got time for him. Rather than dump this man, you can make excuses why you cannot meet up and he will soon get fed up.
Men always want instant results, ladies possess patience and play the waiting game for what they desire. You can brush him off gently and slowly if the spark doesn’t return when he sports his clothing. Only you will know if the excitement is there, and at least you have these two options as you tread on your path to happiness.
Question:
I’m in a quandry because the coronavirus lockdown across the island is going to be over soon and as a good Christian and virgin I need to end my relationship.
It all started well, I met my man at a dancehall in Trelawny just before Valentine’s Day and we got chatting on the phone and social media.
Lockdown came and he has been persistent, video calls on Facebook were cool to start but he has male urges and has been making video calls naked. I’m not what anyone would perceive as an easy girl so I don’t know why he wants me to show my ‘bits’ too.
He arranges for naked video calls and I’ve been rejecting these. As a practising Christian I don’t want to see his ‘bits’ unless we are married.
Once the lockdown’s over I need to explain to him that I’m a virgin and not in to online sexual liaisons.
He’s told me has a nasty temper and that an old girlfriend tried to throw acid at him, but that he ran away from her. I’m mellow but I’m fearing his reaction if I tell him now that we are finishing. What’s your advice?
Love Doctor’s Answer:
This man has tried to up the ante during lockdown, possibly because he has spare time, but clearly taken the wrong route by not discussing with you about moving onto naked video calls.
Unfortunately this lack of respect has forced you into a corner to realise that you are on different paths. His persistence to arrange these sexed up video calls has upset you, but instead of explaining to him that nudity is not a game to you it has been easier for you to constantly reject these video calls.
No one should ever be fearful of anyone for wishing to end a romance, and I’m sorry that you have such trepidation. Yet he ran away from a former girlfriend, who allegedly threatened him with acid, so he is not to be feared because he disappears from relationships.
My advice is intitially you should video call him without warning and have a friend in background to witness the conversation. Immediately explain that as a practising Christian you really don’t wish to engage in online nudity, and then wait for his reaction as this can go one of two ways.
If he explodes with rage then simply end the video call and immediately block him. It will be time to move on, so you must ensure that you don’t have anything further to do with this man who would have only been interested in you sexually.
On the other hand, there was obviously some connection between the two of you at the start so you don’t need to give up all hope and finish with him quite yet. He may be understanding and mortified that his thoughtless actions have offended you, so try discussing this error of judgement.
Ideally you two should discuss what attracted you to each other in the first place, and if he is a potential suitor he will praise your attributes not just your physical aspects. If he gets hot and heavy then you will soon realise that it will be time to end this relationship, easily done via video call with a witness in the room.
The alternative route is to ignore him until he vanishes out of your life. The penny will soon drop for him if you continue to reject his planned video calls and totally ignore him.
Terrylee St Margaret’s
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