Should I Make Waves After Missing The Boat?

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Love Doctor Monti is academically trained in interpersonal relationships, partnership intimacy and psychologically.

Question:

I’m feeling down because my ex-boyfriend’s social media posts show him with a woman, and they look as though they’re a couple. I’m jealous of this pretty woman, who looks younger than me.

We split after Valentine’s Day because he suggested moving in together. It scared the living days out of me because I’m very independent.

I’m in my early 40s and never lived with a man. I’m now kicking myself because he looks hot and happy. Should I try to lure him back into my life to have another crack at romance?

I’m willing to move in with him because I keep dreaming of him, but I think he may have slipped through my fingers.

Jessie, MoBay

Love Doctor’s Answer:
 

Checking out the social media accounts of a former love interest frequently results in jealously, so it’s best avoided until you are completely over them.

Your ex-boyfriend will have assumed, as it was abrupt end to your partnership, that he missed out on happiness with you because you ended the relationship.

You blew it because you weren’t committed to even discussing moving in together. That can be a big step for some, while it’s a natural progression for others. Yet your reluctance to communicate about this and then end things will have left him emotionally lost.

Stating that you are independent sounds like you are either career-minded or prefer being a free soul and not tied down. However, you’re suddenly keen to make a U-turn about living together after images of your former boyfriend looking jolly with another lady because the images triggered the green-eyed monster of jealously.

As you have become anguished and upset by seeing your ex-boyfriend with a woman, and one that you describe as attractive looking and younger than you, you must undertake some soul searching.

Is the reason that you eagerly wish to get back with your former love interest simply out of jealousy? Or because you feel that you two are genuine soulmates?

I urge you to compile a list of five things that were fantastic when you two were happily dating, then come up with five aspects that frustrated you.

You need to see which positives can be cancelled out by any negatives, which you must cross out. You’ll be left with at least one detail of good and bad, scrutinise these and make a decision with your head instead of your heart.

AN IMPULSIVE RESPONSE
This knee-jerk reaction of wanting your ex-boyfriend back, just because you have had your nose put out of joint by what appears to be his latest lady, is due to still being emotionally attached to him.

Even though it’s over six months since your split, you were emotionally invested in him until being scared off and probably overwhelmed by his suggestion of showing more commitment.

Now that you’ve spent a significant amount of time without him, and reading between the lines you’ve remained single, you must decide exactly why you wish to rush back into his arms.

You surprisingly refer to him as being “hot”, which may mean he dusted himself down after your break-up to generate the best version of himself before he felt comfortable to start dating again.

If that’s the case, it’s no wonder that he has now got himself a new lady in his life who likes him.

SECOND BITE OF THE CHERRY
It’s only going to possibly work at having a successful second shot together if certain boxes can be ticked. Obviously your biggest hurdle is persuading him that it was your error of judgement as you overreacting when he suggested living together.

There is also the possible barrier of him finding your behaviour unforgiveable. He won’t wish to cause you any pain, but be prepared for him to tell you that he never wishes to see you again.

So getting to see him face-to-face could be tricky. Especially if your theory is spot on and he’s started dating again. Many men will refuse to jeopardise their latest blossoming romance by meeting an ex-girlfriend alone for a rendezvous.

If you truly love and respect this man, plus believe that you could have a future together for a meaningful romantic relationship, then it’s 100% worth reaching out. You must explain to him that you would love to have a chat, but be prepared for any meeting to end as closure.

PICTURE PERFECT PAST
You must accept his decision should he refuse to see you, and let things go. At least you will always have those treasured memories. I suggest you get photos of anything special off your cell phone and two prints.

Should he not wish to see you just send him some fabulous photos in a photo album to remind him of the immense pleasure you enjoyed as a couple.

Reaching out is your opportunity to tell him that if he ever changes his mind that you’ll always be there for him. This will be heart wrenching for you, but unfortunately if this is the scenario you’ll have to accept and appreciate that the past has gone with little chance of turning back time.

On the other hand, if he’s agreeable to meeting up then you must seize this chance with the sole aim of repairing your broken relationship.

You may discover that the lady on his social media is not his new partner, in which case any catch up could be smooth sailing for potentially rekindling your romance. As you dumped him, I suspect that you were the one who called the shots when you were happily together.

This means that you can be blunt with your ex-boyfriend, you need to tell him that you’ve missed him and give him three reasons. Then apologise for deserting him when he was only considering making your relationship more solid. Finally, you need to explain why you have changed you mind about living together.

GOOD LISTENING MATTERS
After those three sentences simply sit back and listen to what he says. Do very little talking, concentrate on listening. It’s crucial to tell him that you wish to avoid hurting his new girlfriend’s feelings, should he be involved with her.

Should you discover that he’s in a new and exciting romantic relationship, if he’s a self-respecting gentleman then he will have taken his latest lady to totally different places that you two visited.

So if things can move forward between you two, it’s best to constantly return to your previous haunts rather than anywhere new to avoid bumping into his latest love.

Although you’ve lost the momentum of your loving relationship, a period of over six months means that your ex-boyfriend and you could have physically altered.

If the chemistry remains and there’s still an effortless connection, I envisage no reason why you two can’t patch things up and live together.

Focus on now and the future, rather than discuss the past — suffice for any special shared memories that you would both like to repeat.

CONCENTRATE ON CHARACTER
Your priority is to win his trust and belief in you, so show that you value him for his character. Once he’s like putty in your hands, wait until you are settled and happy before you dish out compliments about the way he looks or dresses.

If you can smooth things over, and be able to return to happier days with your ex-boyfriend, you’re both going to be starting an exciting new chapter by living together.

My advice is to ensure that photos on your respective social media accounts are available for the world to see how your potentially long-lasting romantic relationship is blossoming.

Although it would be best for him to not be insensitive towards his current squeeze, possibly blocking her from seeing his social media posts.

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