Can I Repair Having Pushed My Partner Too Far?

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Question:

I feel that I’ve made a massive mistake with my long-term boyfriend because of a silly standoff.

I planted the idea of a vacation to the Bahamas, but pushed him to pay for my flights. Although he was happy to pay for the hotel, he was affronted that I wanted him to pay for my flights when we earn roughly the same income.

He’s always been very generous and a gentleman towards me. I think he felt as though I was taking advantage of him this time, because on our other vacations I always paid for my flights.

Next month’s potential vacation has been put on hold, and we’ve not communicated for over a week. Usually we are in touch on a daily basis.

What should I do, because I feel guilty about upsetting the man I’ve dated for almost two years and I don’t wish to lose him over money?

L, Kingston

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Men don’t mind their love interest to make suggestions to help maintain the momentum, especially when it comes to intimate moments like visiting other places.

For some reason you decided to test the water to see if he would splash the cash on you, but this has backfired and left you ignoring each other.

Although you’re seeing this as a financial dilemma, because you were expecting him to pay for your flights, there’s the far more important aspect of commitment in your scenario.

Once you realised that he wasn’t keen on paying for your flights, you should have backed down and asked how much these would cost. If it had been outside your budget, you should have collectively discussed the matter and maybe opted to go somewhere else for a romantic break.

No one, either male or female, wishes to feel used financially. You’ve put his nose out of joint by this unexpected demand of him having to pay for flights on top of forking out for the hotel.

There’s been a precedent set of who pays for your flights. Unless things have altered for some reason, the onus is on you two paying for travel as individuals.

My suggestion is to swiftly rectify this situation of a standoff by contacting him about the possible trip.

You should follow my two-one psychology trick, which will basically butter him up with two positive sentences followed by a short sentence that conveys what you wish to say. It’s imperative to avoid using the word I.

You’re best to write something along the lines of: “Trust that all’s well as not heard from you for a while darling. Been thinking about our trip to the Bahamas, and wondering how much the flights are for me to pay. If they are really expensive then we can rethink about going there and choose somewhere else.”

Your olive branch should do the trick to reopening the communication channels, and will show him that you still fancy going on vacation.

If he’s a red-blooded man then this should be enough to persuade him that you were merely testing him. I urge you to never try this again, because you’ve both already suffered from this “experiment”.

I suggest that you organise meeting up somewhere to face-to-face sort out a vacation. Remember that he’s content to pay for the accommodation, so don’t go over the top about where you pick as a couple and do consider the flight prices for you.

Although it’s best to literally sweep your mistake under the carpet, and never discuss, you should wait until after this vacation before you discuss the financial aspects of future trips.

As you refer to your boyfriend as being generous, and state that he seems happy enough to pay for vacation accommodation, a meeting over finances should clear the air.

If you decide to become overly reliant on his generosity, he’ll maybe begin to wonder if you are only remain a couple because he has been gentlemanly when it comes to paying for vacations.

No man will ever wish to buy a girlfriend, not even super rich ones who seek a trophy lady to be at their every beck and call.

You can both learn from your error of judgment. As long as you don’t bring it up or make it into an issue, this can easily be forgotten and you two can focus on the future.

Being away together, which will prevent you from going island crazy, is the perfect opportunity for you to forget any issues and relax. You’ve been dating for some time, so on your vacation could always explore what the future holds for you two as a couple.

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