How Do I Handle Calls From My Ex?
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Question:
My ex-girlfriend from ages ago has been drifting in and out of my life this year, without anything romantic happening between us. The problem is she just gets in touch when she is blind drunk and insists on video calls.
She asked me point blank if we could get back together, but I shot her down with a no because I don’t need hassle, drama and a drunken in my life
Moments after she angrily ended the video call, she called up to give me a piece of her mind with needless insults. I was calm and polite, took it on the chin and never responded with rudeness.
The following day I noticed her photo on WhatsApp had vanished. I sent a photo of us when we were a couple, it never went through. Wondering what I should do next. Or is it best to leave things alone?
L, Clarendon Parish
Love Doctor’s Answer:
This lady sounds like a nightmare with her drunken antics and offensive words. Unless you truly believe that you were genuine soulmates, then this seems like a blessing in disguise for you.
She appears to be either lonely or deeply in love with you to keep making contact. You have obviously upset her by refusing to contemplate a repeat of your romantic relationship, which means that she is a woman scorned.
Be on your guard from your former lover, as it is highly unlikely that this will be the last you hear from her. Especially as we are fast approaching the festive season, when the media sugarcoats romance to the extreme.
Well done for not reacting to her with personal jibes when she affronted you with seemingly unwarranted slurs. The respect has evaporated as soon as a couple start hurling personal insults.
A war of words, at least for the majority of partners globally, tends to be the beginning of the end of any romance.
You have not mentioned whether you are single or not. If you are dating, then when your ex-girlfriend gets back in touch you must explain that your current squeeze would not be happy to learn that you are receiving video calls from an ex.
Ask your former girlfriend how she would have felt during your relationship to learn that an ex was contacting you. If she has any empathy, then she will totally understand your dilemma and back off.
Your ex is dictating when to reopen the channels of communication, which puts you in a predicament and makes you an extremely weak man. You need to determine why you are allowing her to call the shots.
It is time for you to decide in your heart if you wish to remain friends with her, would ever entertain a romance, or would be content to have her out completely out of your life.
CONTROLLING GAMES
She may be a lovely lady when she is not drinking. Under the influence of alcohol, and by blocking you on WhatsApp, her behaviour is entirely controlling and verges on being a narcissist.
It sounds like she does not wish to relinquish you and could have been in touch to check your availability. As her contact is unpredictable, she is probably trying to prevent you from dating anyone else as she yearns to be back in your arms.
I imagine that it was you who initiated your split, because of her constant return into your life. You may find yourself emotionally unavailable at the moment. This could explain why you have turned down a chance of rekindling your romance with this lady.
It can take up to three years for singletons to fully recover from a split, and become truly ready for another meaningful relationship. Too many people try to find love straight after their break-up, but this rarely works out as it is merely a rebound relationship.
FOLLOW YOUR HEART
You appear to be firmly in the heart and head of your ex-girlfriend. Tackling her next approach is imperative to how future contact will turn out. Be prepared. If you cannot contemplate being a couple once more, I suggest you tell her that you would like to meet up for closure.
She is likely to jump at the chance to see you face-to-face, even if closure is one the words that will put the fear of God into her. This could be a challenge for her, and she may try to use her womanly charms to be persuasive to achieve her ultimate goal of a second shot with you.
Men are visual creatures, so don’t fall to temptation if you have made up your mind that she is 100% history. Especially if she displays plenty of flesh to try to tap into your sexual senses.
Ensure that you go somewhere new for both of you, ideally without her being able to turn to booze, for a rendezvous. As you once loved this lady, there is the chance that the spark is reignited for both of you.
SMOOTH IMPERFECTIONS
In which case follow your heart rather than your head, as long as you set some boundaries. This is a simplistic task, as you need to have an open-heart conversation about how you could be a better couple the second time round.
Tell her that you will improve in certain areas and list two or three aspects that you are willing to alter. Ask for her input into anything else that she would like you to change.
I urge you to ask her to tell you two things that she can improve to make your relationship smooth sailing. If she overlooks her drinking problem, then don’t be afraid to suggest this.
Couples who are patient with each other and can compromise tend to enjoy a lengthy and happy relationship.
If you are adamant that there’s no turning back for the two of you, make this clear with your closure meeting. You can read her body language and expect her to turn on the waterworks of tears to lure you back into life.
Explain that as far as you are concerned that the rose-tinted glasses came off and the flaws raised their ugly head. Add that you will always treasure the memories you made, but deep down you both know that another bite at the cherry would not work.
It’s highly unlikely that you have heard the last from her, particularly with images everywhere of happy couples celebrating Christmas and the New Year, unless she is also video calling any other ex-boyfriends and they are more gullible than you will ever be going forward.
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