Can I Backtrack From My Big Mistake?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
Is it possible to claw back my ex following a massive mistake by me? We split up after two years together in June 2021, which was only down to miscommunication.
Last year we started to speak, and occasionally met, until there was a misunderstanding in December. A social media photo appeared of a woman with her arms wrapped around him. I’ve ignored him ever since, but this week I discovered that it was a totally innocent picture.
I felt lonely over Christmas and I joined online dating sites. I met someone on new year’s eve and we have been together once a week. He’s nothing compared to my ex, who’s been single since we broke up.
The only attraction with my new man is that he’s wealthy. He’s neither handsome nor much fun. He’s in his 60s, which is 10 years older than me. I feel like his dirty little secret because he seems to be hiding me from his two grown-up children.
Should I go about trying to rekindle things?
Iriye, Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It takes two to tango, so don’t blame yourself entirely for the initial break-up in 2021 following a two-year relationship. Partnerships go through a rollercoaster ride, and when there is mutual respect then two people who love and adore each other can usually sort things out.
Your ex obviously holds a torch for you by agreeing to keep on meeting up in 2022. Yet that came crashing down because of further miscommunication, which has resulted in you blanking him.
Loneliness, and possibly revenge as you were angry about the social media photo, got the better of you. Not to mention the fact that money was an aphrodisiac for you with this older gentleman. You just wanted to feel wanted by a man.
Having gone off on a wild goose chase out of desperation, it sounds as though you are now regretting it. The fact that this new love interest doesn’t measure up to your ex is not the end of the world, as love is in the eye of the beholder. Yet you don’t sound enamoured by this new man.
He may merely be cautious of introducing you to his children until he knows that your relationship is running smoothly. On the other hand, you might be just one of a number of ladies from the dating sites that he’s seeing as you mentioned that you only see each other once a week.
This is something that you need to ensure isn’t the case, otherwise you will end up being badly hurt. If you discover that you’re just one of a handful of women that he’s seeing, at least that gives you a swift escape route from a relationship that you really don’t seem keen on pursuing.
In this scenario it’s a question of survival of the fittest between these two men to find a way into your heart.
If you want to follow your heart then you must let your old flame know that you would like to give it a second whirl. You state that he’s single, so I suspect that his feelings for you have never waned.
Your current beau is not ticking your boxes, so my advice is to consider when to tell him it’s going nowhere. The quickest way, and least hurtful method, would be to be honest and tell him that your ex constantly remains on your mind and in your heart. He’s a big boy and can take it on the chin, especially as he will be used to rejection having used online dating sites.
My advice is to write a letter to your ex, explaining everything that’s been going through your mind ever since your initial split. However, don’t send this letter.
The object of the exercise is so that you can scribble down all of the details. Once you are in more control of your emotions, having read your letter a couple of times, then it is time to ditch your latest squeeze and make contact with your ex.
A simple message, via text or email so that you don’t come across as emotionally needy, would be best to break the ice.
Don’t hang around for too long to make contact with him, because you will kick yourself if he’s unavailable. Although you split up in 2021, it generally takes three years for a broken heart to heal, so you do have a bit of time.
Rekindling a lost love can be tricky and often impossible because of the high expectations. In your case the advantage you have is that you spent time together last year, which means it should be smooth sailing as long as you take things slowly.
I suggest that you try to see each other twice a week, starting off by talking so that you can both explain the heartache you’ve experienced without each other.
Let him woo you, rather than fast forward to the bedroom, and build up the trust. Don’t go to the same places that you used to, freshen things up with new experiences and start to make brand new memories.
This opportunity to improve what you previously had could end up as a long-lasting and loving relationship.
Some couples are simply meant for each, maybe one of you fell in love at first sight. Now the onus is on you to seize the moment and sweep in the changes so that true love blossoms.
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