Go For Closure Or Second Shot
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Question:
I feel confused because it’s been just over a year since my boyfriend dumped me to concentrate on work, but I want to meet him.
We’ve both got on with our lives after two years together with zero communication since the split.
I hate going to familiar places because they remind me of our good times. Now I feel tempted to contact him to see if we should try again. What’s your advice?
N, Saint Thomas
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Time is the only healer when a romantic relationship grinds to a halt, and should be your main priority to ensure that you accept what you enjoyed is finished.
Working through your emotions, especially when you visit familiar places that trigger memories, takes time and can last up to three years if you truly were soulmates.
Turning back time for a second shot of romance only really works if you were soulmates and there was a valid reason for the break-up. You don’t explain exactly why his career was more important than you, but he blatantly showed no commitment by picking work over a loving relationship.
Maybe you had fundamental differences in aspirations, goals and values. If he is only career-driven then you are always going to finish as second choice should you ever get back together, for the simple reason that he doesn’t truly value you on top of being emotionally unavailable compared to work.
Yet it sounds like he could have used his career as an excuse to end things, which means there were probably factors that lead to an overall sense of dissatisfaction for him to be so dismissive.
When someone decides to walk away from a loving relationship, it is highly likely that there’s been some sort of conflict. Unfortunately, this can be caused by miscommunication.
Couples often lack communication problems, which can destroy their relationship. The fact that you two have failed to make contact since parting indicates that this was an aspect that wasn’t particularly healthy.
It’s possible to turn things around with improved communication between you, by kicking off with a message to your ex-boyfriend if you believe it’s worthwhile initiating contact.
PSYCHOLOGY TRICK
Ensure that you make it short and sweet, ideally three sentences and following the two-one psychology trick. This is when you provide two positives about him before you reveal what you want, which is for you to meet up.
Although the sparks may be there a second time for both of you, be aware that you will have both evolved into slightly different versions of the people you were when a couple.
We all gradually alter, sometimes for the best, so be prepared to discover that he will not act and look exactly the same as before.
It sounds like you might need closure rather than trying to get back together with a man who may not ever show commitment as a couple and is therefore not worthy of your love.
GOAL FOR CLOSURE
The main goal for closure is to unearth answers to any unresolved matters, because you were so emotionally invested in the romantic relationship.
It is common to feel rejected if there is no closure, especially if a previous partner is content to not help end the relationship amicably at a later date.
Unless you believe that he’s worth the time and effort for another meaningful relationship, then you are best to aim for closure without confrontation and tears.
Not being able to achieve closure, by accepting the romance is dead and buried, can delay the healing process and frequently leaves open the door for having a second bite at the cherry.
SEEK ACCEPTANCE
I urge you to try and find acceptance about the two of you finishing, by working through your emotions to focus on the future, because even if you got back together it could be with a clean slate. Acceptance is a good first step to healing your heart.
Your previous romance relationship failed for a reason, maybe it was what he said about his career or that was merely masking the truth.
You should be able to find out by meeting then check out my tips to prepare for a date with an ex-partner. Your rendezvous could become closure or a start of a new romance, which can only be mutually determined by you two.
If it is definitely over then you need to accept this in order to heal and move forward with your life. Should you manage to repair the relationship, then I suggest you earn his respect by taking it slowly by building up the love affectionately, naturally moving it to romantic love before you get intimate.
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