How Do I Decide On One Love?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
It’s complex because I’m torn between two men. When I’m with one I realise how great the other one is.
I dated one guy for three months before I discovered that he had been constantly misleading me. One week later I started dating another guy. The other man was on my mind so I went back to him, only for the other guy to play on my mind and now I want to go back to him.
I really don’t know what’s going on because this is a new experience for me. I want a serious relationship and I need some urgent advice.
B, Ocho Rios
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Well you really are in a quandary by being so indecisive. It sounds like you always think that the grass is greener in the arms of the other fella.
My initial reaction is to boldly follow the motto of “If in doubt go without”, because your mind is confused and your heart is torn. As you are unsure about them both, maybe it would be best to stop seeing either of them and having a break from dating.
As you refer to your current beau as having misled you, and you want to go back to the other man, then maybe it is time to concede defeat and face reality that neither are good for you or maybe you’re not good for them.
It sounds like the second man could have been nothing more than a rebound relationship, only you can know that.
Coming to an important decision about which fella, if any, you wish to keep in your life needs some careful consideration. Just one of these men, not both, could be your path to happiness.
It appears that you are seeking the fulfilment of being in a relationship to feel happy, whole and loved. Each of these men has obviously served an individual role for you. Now you need to determine which one offers you the most value, is a good long-term prospect and is the only one that you truly have strong feelings for.
You’re playing with their emotions by going from one to the other, which is extremely selfish behaviour. They need someone worthy of their attention and devotion in building up a loving relationship, but you seem intent on comparing them and building up a dangerous love triangle.
Deep down you’re only really interested in each man because they can individually fill a certain need — whether it is attention-seeking, being cared for, lust or something else.
My advice is to compile a pros and cons list of the five best things and five worse aspects about each man. You should see which good and bad traits can be cancelled out for each gentleman, so that you generate a shorter list. Then you’ll have something to refer to and be able to make a decision by following your head, because your heart seems to be sending you mixed messages.
You must earn the loyalty, respect and trust of one fella if you are truly seeking a rewarding relationship. This will take time, because you are playing each of these men like a game of dominoes.
Neither man deserves your bad attitude and being taken for granted. You must start showing loyalty and stop flitting around like a butterfly, otherwise they will feel used and then you could find both rejecting your advances.
You wouldn’t have been so hesitant overall with them if either of these were the perfect man for you. It appears that your own sense of self-worth is low for you to keep thinking about the other fella.
You must feel complete before you can truly love someone. I suggest that you start to learn to love yourself and start giving out positive vibes, rather than your current negativity of being indecisive, to attract a suitor.
In response to your dilemma of which one of these to concentrate on, the answer is neither of them. This is because deep down you must realise that you should have given all of your attention to only one, but haven’t by creating an emotional mess and a tangled web.
I urge you to consider the best asset from each man, so that the next time you seek a meaningful romance you only date someone who offers these sort of qualities that you desire. Otherwise you could stray the next time you date, which means you will be back to square one.
Women generally have superior assets to men in terms of compassion, empathy and intuition, so now’s the time to press the reset button and admit romantic defeat. It seems best for you to become single for a while, try out new hobbies and look into meeting a potential partner organically.
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