Should I Respond To My Ex?
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Question:
I’ve been happily single for a year. I’ve thrown myself into my work since I split up with my ex-fiancée.
She disappeared from my life like a bolt from the blue, without an explanation. I’ve not thought about her, except every day I see my small tattoo of her name.
She recently contacted me and she said that we should have got married immediately, rather than wait years for a big wedding. I’ve not replied because I’m confused by her message. What action should I take?
B, Westmoreland
Love Doctor’s Answer:
The fact that you have distracted yourself from any anguish, following your break-up, by concentrating on your career is commendable. It means that you have sensibly dealt with making the best of yourself, which will be fully appreciated by your next love interest when you are ready for romance.
Although you state that it has been 12 months since the split, and that you are content to be single, the reality is that you are probably emotionally vulnerable. This would account for you not yet finding — or by the sounds of things looking for — a replacement for your ex-fiancée.
As she did the vanishing act and suddenly made contact with you, it sounds like she is a controlling type of person. I don’t know the history between you two, but it sounds like she was the one in charge of you — rather than the other way round.
If that was the situation, then her message means that she wishes to regain that control of you for whatever reason. It sounds like her communication is about regret.
It sounds like you’ve had little communication since you went your separate ways. This appears to have suited you, and maybe it shows a lack of commitment by you towards your former relationship.
Maybe that’s what caused her to disappear from your life, the lack of commitment, although it is practical to prepare for a wedding and you didn’t need to be pressured. Many venues — especially for beachfront ceremonies — are fully booked for 18+ months. Yet you don’t state a date when your ‘big wedding’ was due to take place, just refer to it as ‘years’ away.
The fact that she has reached out could mean that she has found a new romance, so she wishes to make closure.
Alternatively, she may have entered a series of meaningless relationships and the penny has dropped that you were a better match for her on a long-term basis.
There is also the more unlikely scenario that she has a glimmer of guilt for ending things, and wants to apologise for the way your partnership ended.
Although it is wise to have been wary and have not responded to her seemingly unexpected message, you need to think about yourself before deciding whether to reply or not.
It sounds like you are in a good place with work, and hopefully you have also managed to maintain an active social life with friends. When you experience a major break-up it is akin to grieving, so it can take up to three years to truly get over the heartache.
There will have been a big void since the split, and you have picked work to fill that gap. All work and no play is not healthy in the long-term, so my advice is to ensure that you find new hobbies and organise a vacation in the next six months so that you don’t get mentally exhausted.
If you believe that your ex is being genuine with her odd message, and not just mean-spirited, then feel free to reply. Keep any responses short ‘n’ sweet, not more than four or five words, and definitely don’t put a kiss at the end as that would only encourage the conversation.
Should you want closure, or even the unlikely probability of rekindling your former relationship, then you need to craft together a brief response. Keep the avenues of communication open without appearing desperate to see her, otherwise you are handing her total control.
Closure is important for any loving relationship, and should be conducted during the day in a public place — but not a bar, as alcohol could make one of you say something you regret.
Before making any agreement to meet up, she may not wish to anyway, you should establish what she wants from you. You really won’t want to see her face-to-face if it will cause an emotional setback, because you sound like you are in a positive place.
Think long and hard about your needs, and what the benefits are for you to undertake a rendezvous. My advice is to write an impromptu list of five good reasons to meet up and five negative reasons. Then explore these lists, seeing which bullet points can cancel each other out until you only have one or two positives and negatives remaining.
This short list will determine whether or not you should contemplate meeting her. She has not asked for that, so it may not be necessary.
If the emotional turmoil she caused is deep rooted, then there is no need to reply to her. You obviously loved her by getting a tattoo of her name and proposing to her. However, there needs to be mutual respect between a couple and that was broken a year ago by her exit.
When you are ready to find another romance, having a tattoo with the name of a former fiancée will not impress any love interest. If you keep it then the next girlfriend may insist that you need her name too, and you really don’t wish to become a man with various female names all over your body!
I would seriously contemplate getting the tattoo redone with something you like, so you can eradicate her from your mind, unless you would consider getting back together.
The exe’s message has not really rocked the boat, and seemingly not upset you, so make a decision about what could prove beneficial to you before you consider whether she is worthy of a response or not.
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