How Do I Pick One From Three?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve been in a part-time relationship for six months, which has given me great confidence. I’ve now attracted the attention of two more guys, and I like them both.
With three men keen on me I’m not sure what I should do with my romantic life? Any ideas would be great.
C, Manchester
Love Doctor’s Answer:
In the early throes of a romantic relationship, when you are so adored and desired, it is natural to feel better about yourself.
It is wonderful that your self-esteem and confidence have soared, which is obviously giving off positive vibes and making you more attractive towards other men.
Many romances are sadly only short-term, and draw to a natural close once the so-called honeymoon period has ground to a halt. This tends to be when the passion dies between a couple for whatever reason, and then there can be quarrels about minor things.
Once there are personal verbal attacks in a partnership that has started to erode, these mean words often spell the beginning of the end. This is because the respect has evaporated and often makes it irreparable between a couple.
Being stuck in a part-time relationship can be unfulfilling, as you are probably not experiencing the total devotion from your partner that your love and attention warrants. Unsure of exactly who’s calling the shots to make this only part-time.
The fact that you are contemplating dating someone else, and dropping your current beau like a rock, means that deep down your heart really isn’t in the current relationship for whatever reason.
My advice is to firstly explore why you don’t really wish to pursue your current romance. Maybe at least one of you sees the flaws that weren’t noticeable in the beginning.
You need to have a face-to-face clear the air chat, and together decide whether there will ever be commitment in this relationship. If not, then it would be best to cut your losses.
For a relationship to go the distance, you both need to value each other by providing commitment, honesty and trust. For you to get your head turned, just because of the interest from two gentlemen, is not going to help you nurture your current partnership.
With your current squeeze seemingly out of the race to win your heart, perhaps you’ve just outgrown each other, you have to contemplate which of these two men are potentially worthy of your love.
You definitely don’t wish to fall down the same trap of being in a part-time relationship again. So you need to determine, before anything happens romantically, whether you and/or either of these men could potentially date at least three times a week. You really don’t want a repeat of what is obviously frustrating you, and end up being in a romance that fizzles out in under a year.
If you wish to date one of these gents ensure that you’ve fully ended things with your boyfriend, as you don’t wish to be a cheater and get a bad reputation. Also avoid one or both of them if either are work colleagues (could be awkward if the relationship crashes) or a friend of your boyfriend (even more awkward).
It’s probably best to get some of your galpals to undertake some research about both fellas, rather than base your choice on looks alone, as you appear to like both potential suitors for the only reason that they find you attractive.
Your friends could undertake all sorts of checks, such as whether these men are single, find out when and why they are single, what their hobbies are as well as look at their sort of social media posts.
You need someone to align with you. Getting a match, including the foundations of a mutual interest, is of paramount importance. If you are going to eliminate one man from this race, don’t be shallow and choose the one who’s the most handsome based on looks alone. Good looks fade over time, good character won’t.
It depends on your criteria of whether you are seeking a serious relationship, or just fun ‘n’ frolics. If you know what you would like from your ideal man, in terms of characteristics and interests instead of a tick box about physical attributes, then you are more likely to find someone who can love you for you.
To nurture a relationship it takes two, and to compromise is essential. Previous partnerships may not have been smooth sailing. It is always best to think positively and fondly about the past, but to utilise any mistakes that were made so that they are not repeated.
You don’t have to limit yourself to just the first two men to show you interest. If either of these male admirers could be a possible upgrade, rather than look elsewhere, then take others advice about narrowing it down to one.
Otherwise, think about having some time out to love yourself. You are best to meet someone organically, so try to calculate the best way to meet new men taking into account your lifestyle, working commitments and personal circumstances.
It’s also worth asking your friends what sort of man they envisage you to be dating. When they tell you, if this description interests you then ask them to keep their eyes peeled.
Introductions via mutual friends are often more likely to work, as they know the strengths and weaknesses of a couple. They will also try to match a couple on the same level in terms of physical attractiveness, which makes it easier on the eye and means no awkwardness for either party believing that they have punched above their weight.
My advice is that despite being armed with all this information, it’s best for you to take a step back for some soul-searching. These may be just silly doubts because you feel attractive, and attention from two men could springboard you to enhance your relationship by making it more than just a part-time romance. Only you can decide whether you want to up the ante with your boyfriend, allow it to drift or to give him the elbow and start a new chapter.
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