Can I Escape The Clutches Of Overpowering Parents? Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I am excitedly waiting to move into my one house that I just bought, and finally away from my overprotective family. My dilemma is that I am concerned that my parents expect me to settle down with a certain type of woman, which is not the sort that I find attractive.
Once I am settled in my new home I want to be able to freely choose my romantic partner(s). I’m in my 30s, and need some advice on how to tackle this problem.
L Pounall, USA
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Congratulations on your purchase, which is the start of a new chapter for you and finally some freedom from your overbearing family.
All parents envisage the perfect partner for their children, who boasts the ideal career and the sort of life that they would want for themselves if they were in your shoes.
It is only because they love and adore you that they want the best. As you have obviously pleased them up to this point, there is no need to rock the boat romantically by suddenly dating a lady that your family deem as unsuitable. At least not until you are away from their watchful eyes.
When you mention that your family has aspirations and expectations for your long-term love interest, this is simply because they want you to be fulfilled and happy overall.
I’m guessing that their ideal suitor is a church-going, middle-class woman, with a good education and excellent career who will happily settle down with you and start a family.
You, on the other hand, have probably compromised over the years and dated these sort of ladies simply to please your parents. Yet you seem to be seeking more thrills by opting for a woman who is not afraid to enjoy herself now rather than build a steady future.
It sounds as though you have yet to date these sort of party animal-type ladies. It is because you are a visual creature like all men, which accounts for why you are physically attracted to the sight of these women being scantily-clad and constantly out ‘n’ about having fun.
My advice is to firstly start dating one of these ladies that you are so drawn to. In all probability you may just discover that it is lust rather than love with this particular type. And, of course, you need to be attractive to these kind of women to make any potential relationship work.
Ideally you need to ask your close friends to try a different night out than usual, and as a group check out where these sort ladies hang out. You may have to alter your usual attire and attitude to ensure that you can at least talk to these women.
At least then you will have tested the water and discovered whether there are any fireworks, any potential connection and more importantly any prospect of long-term romance. To build a lasting, loving relationship is never easy and if the odds are stacked against you because of differences then you are going to find keeping the partnership going tricky.
Ideally, you should consider what sort of lady you imagine yourself with when you have reached the age of 40 and also when you get to the milestone of 50 years.
What it sounds like to me is that you have been stifled living under the roof of your parents. You believe that by breaking free from their shekels will offer you carte blanche to party and spend time with lots of loose women.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying life, as long as it doesn’t go against the grain and ultimately have a negative effect on your relationship with your family and friends.
You just ensure that this does not jeopardise your career, as the money you are earning from work is ultimately going to pay for your new house and the upkeep.
I fully understand that you want to try to be a party animal and meet ladies that your parents may initially disapprove of. Yet once you enter this arena, you may well discover that you are a fish out of water and not entirely happy. You should give it a whirl, to find out for yourself whether this is a phase for you or whether this really could make you happy on a long-term basis.
The new responsibility of running a home is not going to be cheap, so you will have to calculate your disposable income rather than fret it away on having endless fun. You have a new responsibility to deal with, and if you become serious about a romance then that too will become a responsibility, both timewise and financially.
Your parents only want you to be happy and healthy. No doubt they will prove supportive towards you whoever your love interest is, even if they disapprove. You are in your 30s and will be able to choose who to date once you are away from their intense scrutiny, which is why you are excited at the prospect of dating ladies that you don’t normally associate with.
It definitely sounds like you are looking forward to being like a child in a candy store, with so many options. Yet what you are probably seeking is short-term fun and frolics, so you do not need to inform your family about every love interest. Like everyone else, you will only really learn by your mistakes.
Before you consider settling down then you need to undertake plenty of research about finding that perfect partner, either by asking friends, family and/or colleagues what sort of woman they envisage you settling down with.
Do not be afraid to start eyeing up potential prospects that you consider wife material, although there should be no hurry as dating is all about the excitement, expectation and thrill of spending time together with that one special someone.
Personally I feel you are being shallow by only finding a certain type of lady attractive, and dismissing the others. Underneath make-up, bling and clothing these women are pretty similar. You need to find a mutual connection and a character that stimulates you in order to keep you together rather than just looks, as looks fade over time but character will not.
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