What’s The Solution For Feeling Crushed By Being Ghosted? 

If you fancy sending your romantic relationship dilemma to former Kingston resident Love Doctor Monti, author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, submit your question via our form.

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Love Doctor Monti is academically trained in interpersonal relationships, partnership intimacy and psychologically.

Question:

 
I’m really upset. I’ve had three relationships, with two ex-boyfriends both called me a vampire for sucking the blood out of them and blocking them! 
 
The last boyfriend was by far the best man I’ve ever met. We broke up at the turn of the year, I was cruel to him the way I ended things. But I suddenly felt uncertain about us being a long-term couple after we celebrated a year together. 
 
I recently sent him a photo and short message via WhatsApp. His response was a smiley emoji. I left it a couple of weeks before another message, and he’s blocked me. I tried emailing and calling him, just no response. 
 
It’s okay because I’ve got the message from being ignored and blocked. I’m hurt by his reaction because I really wanted to see him to try and patch things up. What should I do? 

 
P, Spanish Town 

Love Doctor’s Answer:
 
Your romantic track record sounds either chaotic or destructive, maybe both. It sounds like karma, as you’re currently on the receiving end of being blocked and ignored this time by your ex-boyfriend. 
 
Your first two relationships went pear-shaped for whatever reason, you didn’t reveal why they ended. There’s really no need to proverbially beat yourself up about these ending and your exes not behaving like a gentleman when it ended.  
 
Those romances were a learning curve. For both of these men to actually call you a vampire is disrespectful by them, and disheartening for you. 
 
In life we tend to learn from our mistakes, and both of these men to be so cruel towards you means that they were never worthy of your love, affection and time. 
 
Their bad behaviour and mean words towards you, probably sour grapes, is the very reason why you refer to your last love interest as being “the best man I’ve ever met”. 
 
You turned the tables on him by panicking after a year together, because you most likely felt that you could lose your independence if things kept progressing into a meaningful and solid romantic relationship. 

 
For you to make a bolt, which you describe as being “cruel”, will have been a heavy psychological trauma for him to deal with. I would imagine that whatever exit you made would have made him feel betrayed and distraught. 
 
The ordeal that you initially put your last boyfriend through would have been the reason behind him deciding to ghost you. His brain is simply trying to protect him from any of the flashing warning lights that must have appeared when you made contact with him after so many months. 
 
Of course he may have moved on romantically, either into a rebound relationship or with someone that he feels deserves his attention and love. 
 
This is a perfectly understand scenario because he doesn’t want a repeat of the past, which must have devasted him shortly after celebrating a year together. 
 
FORGIVENESS MATTERS 
Rather than just trying to reach out again, which obviously hasn’t worked, you should try to check his relationship status on social media. If he’s happy with someone else then he’s understandably going to prioritise her over you for the hurt and pain that you subjected him to. 
 
If you discover that he is romantically involved, then you will only kick yourself for letting this man out of your life because of the way things ended. You only have yourself to blame. 
 
In which case you must dust yourself down and accept that you blew it with this man. You broke the mutual trust and respect that the romance originally had. The past has gone, so just recall those moments of happiness you had. 
 
PICTURE PERFECT TIP 
My advice is to get all of the photos off your phone printed in duplicate. Send him one set, ideally in a photo album that you can collate in chronological order, and place the other set into an envelope for you to keep.  
 
Rather than dwell on what you had, put your envelope of happy memories to one side and don’t revisit these until you believe that you are emotionally strong enough to look at these without reaching out to him. 
 
Should he react favourably to receiving these pictures, which are a reminder of the good times you two experienced, he will be a gentleman and thank you. This means he will have opened up the channels of communication with you. 
 
If he’s currently single, and this unexpected photo album jam-packed with wonderful memories awakens his desire and love for you, then there’s every chance he will be in touch if he’s genuinely a decent man. 
 
This photo album is going to be the litmus test. Someone who truly loved someone will not be able to continue to ignore them after this gesture of a carefully collated photo album. It is too irrestible to ignore their previous partner if there was genuine love. 
 
LEARN FROM LITMUS TEST 
So you will be able to determine whether he really was worthy of your love or not from his reaction. For him to further ignore you means that you have not lost much, he couldn’t possibly have deep-rooted feelings for you even though you thought so highly of you. To still be ghosted means good riddance to him. 

 
If he reacts and gets in touch, you have to play your cards close to your chest. You must send him a message following my Love Doctor Monti psychologically tip. This comprises three sentences without using the word I. The first two sentences must be positive and the final sentence is what you really are contacting him about. 
 
The opening sentence must praise him. The second sentence needs to mention you two as couple in a positive manner. The last sentence, in your scenario, should suggest meeting up for closure and to explain why you ended things. 
 
If he is sufficiently buttered up by these opening two sentences, your last sentence should encourage him to agree to meet. 
 
CONCENTRATE ON A CATCH UP 
Once you get the green light for a rendezvous, it is imperative to suggest two options of where to meet arrange that doesn’t serve alcohol as neither of you wish to say something untoward. Try and pick somewhere new that won’t have haunting memories. 
 
Stick to the Love Doctor Month psychology tip if you manage to meet up, and don’t doll yourself up too much. Smart casual will suffice. Stick to only speaking with three sentences each time before doing the listening. You must show empathy, because you were the one that broke off the romance. 
 
As you wish to try and repair the damage you caused, to rebuild mutual respect and trust is going to require you to apologise and admit your mistake. 
 
If he is willing to accept these, the next important obstacle to try and overcome is mutual commitment. Just going for casual dating and maybe getting intimate quickly is the wrong way to approach a rebuilding process. 
 
HAND OVER CONTROL 
You have to show commitment by making yourself available as much as possible. He needs to wrestle some control in order to stop him worrying that you will repeat ending things. This means compromising big time, and if you love your ex-boyfriend enough you’ll ensure you make time for him. 
 
You need to learn to love each other affectionately to begin with. Take it up a notch to loving each other romantically, which means you have to up the ante and surprise him with small gifts that reflect the original year of happiness. 
 
When things are smoothed over, then it will only be a matter of time before you’ll both feel it is appropriate to get physically intimate. It is imperative to follow that specific order of affection, romance then intimacy, otherwise there’s a high chance that your relationship will come crashing down. 

 
Working together as a team, compromising, rebuilding mutual respect and trust as well as both being fully committed to making your romance work the second time around takes time. Patience will be required for you both to make it work. 
 
BE WARY OF BARRIERS 
Be prepared for some apprehension, just out of self preservation, by your ex-boyfriend for the first month. He just doesn’t want to be left broken-hearted again. It doesn’t mean that he no longer loves you. 
 
As you survived the initial 12 months, which means you didn’t mind each other’s flaws, means that you have every chance to make it a success story this time round.  
 
When you are comfortable with your relationship, and have been together for at least three months without any difficulties, you can mention former things that you loved doing together and suggest repeating at least one of these. 
 
By agreeing to do repeat something exciting together means you have concrete plans, and therefore commitment. In life we need to look forward to something thrilling, and this will demonstrate that you two have aligned your interests to once more become compatible. 

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