Is It The End Of The Road For My Romantic Journey? 

If you fancy sending your romantic relationship dilemma to former Kingston resident Love Doctor Monti, author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, submit your question via our form.

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Love Doctor Monti is academically trained in interpersonal relationships, partnership intimacy and psychologically.

Question:

I’ve been dating the same guy for four years. We’ve not moved in together nor discussed the future. 
 
We’ve only had one vacation together, in MoBay as our families heralded from there, because we get wrapped up in our jobs. 
 
It feels like we are drifting on, and any passion died a death after the first few weeks. We have become like we are brother and sister rather than partners.  
 
What should I do because I see no future together if he always avoids long-term plans?

Rose, Canada 

Love Doctor’s Answer:

As you state that you are moving aimlessly along with this man, you are both to blame for letting your romantic relationship become such a casual affair without a plan.
 
The fact that you’ve only been away together once, which I have to assume didn’t go down too well, signifies that neither of you are committed to making this a happily ever after experience. This does not bode well for you as a couple. 
 
It definitely sounds as though your hearts are not in this relationship, meaning that you’ve been plodding through life as a couple for the sake of things.  
 
Maybe you live in a small community where people are expected to be romantically tied, but peer pressure should not be the reason for you two to be together.   
 
All of the time that you’re together takes away the potential time that you could both be spending with a more suitable partner. 
 
My advice is to organise a frank and realistic chat about why he has been so evasive to discuss the future after such a long time together. Opening up channels of communication could unleash the real reason why he’s always skipped speaking to you about moving forwards. 
 
Although you mention that you’ve both become ensconced by work, you should have sorted out a work-romantic relationship balance over your four years together. This does seem to be a lame excuse for refusing to blossom as a couple.

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
You state that the beginning was passionate, but it was short-lived. This means that your partnership looks to have been built on nothing but lust, which is why you find yourself in this situation feeling more like relatives than lovers.
 
If you are lacking the art of flirting and there are no sparks, then your romantic bubble has clearly burst.  
 
You can easily determine whether you trying to kid the world and yourselves. Are you only going the motions of saying ‘I love you’ and don’t mean it? Are you not particularly looking forward to spending time together? 

When couples only concentrate on now they are just in the relationship for the short-term, usually for fun and frolics. Having aspirations and goals, plus planning romantic vacations, are a surefire indication that you’re together for the long-term and respect each other. 
 
Long-term relationships are never easy. Maintaining a high level of affection and commitment without the romance getting too intense often falls apart within the first 12 months.  
 
Usually a man tries to step back. Next time find a suitor who will treat you a vacation early in your romance, which will ascertain whether he is generous, kind and caring. Working together as a team when taken out of your daily environment will show that you are a good fit for the future.

LOST RESPECT
To develop any meaningful relationship you’ll need to love each other affectionately, then romantically before moving onto a sexual connection. It sounds to me that you rushed into getting intimate with your current boyfriend, which ultimately fast-forwarded the partnership before you become friends and immediately lost any future respect from him.
 
A heart-to-heart talk to establish your scenario is urgently required, otherwise you’ll continue to just go through the motions.  
 
If you’ve both realised that your relationship has been on the rocks for some time, then you may well only be together for the sex. I assure you that this shouldn’t be an obligation and the glue that holds you two together. 

You should pluck up the courage by suggesting to meet your boyfriend somewhere in public that you’ve never visited together, but try to avoid a place that serves alcohol. The most important factor is that it’s a venue where you’ll feel comfortable enough to reveal that you think it’s time to call it a day.  
 
If you fear that he would react badly, you could always end it all via a handwritten letter ideally at the start of the week so he can throw himself into work. Breaking up via email, social media messaging or text isn’t very respectful, and you don’t wish to look as though you are in the wrong. 
 
Tackling this in person is definitely the best approach, and this closure means you won’t walk around feeling guilty. Try to read his body language to the reaction of ending your relationship, because in all honesty it doesn’t sound as though it will be much of a bombshell. 

KNOCKOUT BLOW
Follow my two-one psychology trick if you wish to let him down gently, which softens the blow. This requires you deliver two positive sentences about him before delivering the knockout punch that you believe it is best to break up. 

Plan some genuinely positive words before you explain that you no longer feel connected to him in the way that loving couples with a future appear to be connected. 

I suggest you explain that you’ve been thinking for a while that you aren’t the one for him. Yet you’ve had to reluctantly accept this fact, because the thought of spending forever together terrifies you and you expect this is the same for him. 

You need to get in place some future plans. These are a safety net, so that he’s unlikely to try and persuade you to reconsider by offering to change his ways.  

It’s best to inform him that you’ve been thinking of spreading your wings without him, followed by details of something that you would like to do such as a starting a new hobby or travelling.  
 
Be considerate for his feelings, by explaining that you’ll truly miss him. If you can bear to say it, and it’s genuine, tell him that you envisage him with someone different to you that will ultimately make his life feel complete. 

MEMORIES MATTER
Thank him for the memories and reiterate how much you will always treasure your time spent together. You then have to sit back and listen to what he’s got to say. Do not allow him to try to alter your decision, as this is a doomed partnership from what you’ve described. 

When you are emotionally available to date again, scrutinise my guide on how to meet single men for romance.

Sadly some relationships come to a natural closure. In your case it has run its course and appears long overdue going your separate ways.  
 
You’ve been operating for years purely out of habit without engaging as a couple, and been continuously putting in very little effort. 
 
Although you both felt there was something special initially, seemingly only built on lust, now is the time to stop wasting any more time and affection.  
 
You each deserve to be feeling as happy as you were when you first dated, and that’s only going to occur with a clean break and you both finding a new love interest. 

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