What Steps Should I Take After Moving In Together?

If you fancy sending your romantic relationship dilemma to former Kingston resident Love Doctor Monti, author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, submit your question via our form.

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Love Doctor Monti is academically trained in interpersonal relationships, partnership intimacy and psychologically.

Question:

I moved in with my boyfriend following a whirlwind romance, but the six weeks together under the same roof has been Hell.

He has changed out of all recognition from the happy go lucky guy he was when we started dating. He expects me to wait on him hand and foot, do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and become more like a slave than his partner.

One of the reasons we moved in together was so that we could finally get intimate. That is just mechanical and unfulfilling with him. He will only have bedroom fun on Fridays and Saturdays because he says that he’ll be too tired to go to work if we get passionate on other days.

This man I’m living with doesn’t buy me flowers like he used to for the four months we were dating before moving in together. I’m unhappy with the arrangement but scared to tell him that in case he gets angry towards me. Should I escape this or just talk to him in the hope he will change back?

GJ, Kingston

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Sorry to learn that your dreams have been shattered as you’re certainly feeling emotionally uncared for, and you are expected to handle the traditional role expected of ladies last century.

It sounds like he’s a man of routine by scheduling intimacy and relying on you to take on certain roles, while he only goes to work as his perceived duty. Even if you are acting as a housewife, this scenario is antiquated and unacceptable in this day and age.

By calling this “Hell” clearly shows that resentment has built from feeling unappreciated, unloved and the rejection of lovemaking five nights a week.

As this was a fast-moving relationship, it appears to have burnt out as quickly as it started. Such a high-speed courtship that leads to a major commitment like moving in together is a hit and miss scenario.

I urge you to start stepping back from any of these aspects he expects from you, by cutting out non-essential cooking, cleaning, shopping etc.

Don’t try to impress with over-elaborate meals if you don’t wish to be there much longer. You should not live in fear of your partner, if he is going to get angry with you for voicing your discontentment then your best bet is to organise escaping this toxic relationship.

Yet if you wish to make things work then you’re need to open up the channels of communication, ideally in a bustling public place that doesn’t serve alcohol so that he is less likely to direct any anger towards you.

Life is to savour rather than become what you refer to as a glorified slave, which is not the way to be treated by your partner. He’s not showing you the love and respect you that you deserve, especially in the early throes of your relationship.

Clearly the proverbial rose-tinted glasses have slipped off, because he has altered his attitude towards you and no longer makes romantic gestures like buying flowers. Understandably you’re feeling emotionally disconnected, especially with his controlling behaviour of when you can sex is permissible twice a week.

A direct discussion is vital to clear the air and explain how you feel, so that you can potentially press the reset button or decide to go your separate ways.

BE A DREAM TEAM
There should always be a division of duties between couples in order to support each other. You should divide these tasks, or undertake them together, because there’s clearly an imbalance with you expected to be at his beck and call.

Anything that you do, such as cooking and cleaning, shows care and respect. However, you’re missing a key element in a loving relationship of mutual respect.

The initial intense energy between you for four months was greatly helped by the sexual frustration building up, although he seems to be extremely controlling with his rigid scheduled lovemaking sessions twice a week.

Work stress can genuinely lower his libido, but having five days a week as a dead zone for intimacy places you at an emotional distance in such a new romantic relationship.

If you want to continue being with this man, he has to be willing to make adjustments by exploring his work routine in order to revive intimacy in the relationship. This is the kind of commitment he must inject into your romance to make it potentially work.

Back rubs, cuddling, eating foods laden with aphrodisiacs and kissing are surefire ways to physically connect and show closeness without making draining him ahead of work.

INTIMACY INTEREST
Yet this bedroom action sounds more like a chore than an expression of love, so you may be better off leaving him and eventually finding a man that can fulfil you sexually. Many men do lose sexual interest in their lady once their honeymoon period during dating is over.

Another reason for his low interest in sex could be due to the lack of foreplay. Foreplay doesn’t have to begin in the bedroom. You could send him a saucy message about an hour or two before you see other to generate sexual tension.

When he returns home you can try to entice physical contact before you consider lovemaking on the nights that have always been off limits. Try burning a citrus candle and sporting a heavily lemon scent, both will awaken his sexual senses.

Alternatively you could put on some romantic music and surprise him with a candlelit dinner followed by intimate dancing or offering him a sensual massage.

On top of these actions there are dietary supplement aphrodisiacs to improve libido, rather than enhance performance, which you could slip into his meals.

SEX DRIVE REMEDIES
I believe that many potions cause more harm than good in the long term so are best to only be used for a short-term fix. Tablets, like Passionate Goat Weed and Siberian Ginseng/Maca Extract, can reintroduce sex drive as well as enhance performance.

It doesn’t matter how many traditional remedies you try, there needs to be both the arousal and romantic desire between you to make intimate moments matter.

Should you alter your diet then things can improve as far as bedroom fun is concerned. Eating red berries will get the blood pumping, as will a few bottles of Dragon Stout.

Opening the channels of communication will ultimately determine whether you’ve reached the end of the road romantically.

It’s crucial to address what you see as ongoing problems between you, because he may well be oblivious to it and just be following what he experienced between his parents growing up.

If you can both move forward and consider these early days were an early learning curve, then you require four key mutual elements to kick off a new chapter. To generate a meaningful and long lasting romantic relationship you both need to show commitment, desire for intimacy and passion as well as mutual respect.

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