How Do I Figure Out If It’s Flirting Or Spite?
If you fancy sending your romantic relationship dilemma to former Kingston resident Love Doctor Monti, author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, kindly submit your question via our form or send a direct email to [email protected].
Question:
Is banter with a female friend a good sign? Or something not to read into?
I’m not able to clearly read the signals because although she hugs me when we part, I’m always getting told by this woman that I’m an idiot and that I can’t live without her.
What’s the next step for me as I’m confused?
Lewis, Portsmouth
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Well I’m slightly perplexed as you have failed to mention such essential facts as whether either of you are single, and if a possible romantic relationship could be entertained.
Assuming that you must be attracted to this lady to pose your dilemma, but are being cautious and treading with trepidation. Maybe that’s because you have been romantically rejected by other women in the past.
Playful banter, if this is what it transpires to be, is not always about flirting. Even if it is overzealous flirtatious behaviour, this does not always mean there’s any intention from your female friend to potentially enter a romance so be careful.
Yet if there’s a chance of love blossoming between you two, it’s vital to up the ante by reading the signals. Work out whether her words are flirtatious or just plain teasing.
Check out her body language. If she’s smiling, constantly touching you, holding your eye gaze that split second longer and letting you know her availability to meet up, then you can bet your bottom dollar that she’s keen on you.
LOVE JIGSAW
As sexual beings we all seek that magical spark with someone special to complete our own love jigsaw. Sometimes a certain amount of over the top flirting is necessary to seriously connect with someone.
I suggest you kick off by messaging her when you’ve not seen nor heard from her for at least 48 hours. Don’t forget to just put your initial rather than your first name at the end, and just a simple lower case x as a kiss.
An ideal flirty message via your cellphone could be:
– Just to let you know that I’m using my last 5% of battery life to text you that I’m thinking about you, or;
– What sort of trouble are you getting into this weekend? Hope you’ll find room for me!
Your banter needs to be more light-hearted and playful than her harsh words. Never resort to having your communication deemed to be hurtful, like she does.
MUTUAL TRUST
Maybe she’s a bit thoughtless or tactless, and very likely she lacks social graces. Banter can be teaseful, but flirting banter is all about getting closer to each other as a couple to build up mutual trust.
It’s definitely worth you checking out my advice on what actions and chat-up lines will get you out of the dreaded friend zone.
Although this lady’s insulting words certainly don’t put you at ease, and to be frank she sounds arrogant and full of self-importance. Yet you do only refer to her as a friend, rather than potential girlfriend material.
If she says these disrespectful things to you when it’s one-to-one, then ask her to stop being impolite. If she continues, then you should cut all ties, because she will forever disregard your feelings.
SEXUAL CHEMISTRY
Yet if these insults are meant to be humorous, then you need to introduce some amusing comebacks to create an energy that could help to build up sexual chemistry.
You should be able to gauge whether she feels out of her comfort zone when you join in with your own banter.
If she is giving you stick when you’re together in a group environment, then maybe she’s attempting to entertain people with her words. As these sound unpleasant, try reading the expressions on other people’s faces when she insults you to calculate their take on her so-called banter.
You are best, if she’s saying harsh things in a group, to ask a couple of friends if they think she is being malicious or attention-seeking.
As it sounds like you just accept her words as part of her character, maybe you don’t want to rock the boat as you have a crush on her.
A frequent reason for one person spitting out seemingly mean words to someone of the opposite sex — apart from dislike, insecurity or not being a nice person — is when there’s obvious romantic intentions from only one side.
PECKING ORDER
Should you behave like an overeager puppy whenever the pair of you come into contact, then the dynamics alter and she picks on you because she’s in total control of the situation.
Hurtful behaviour through insults, which verges on bullying, should not be tolerated. In stark contrast to genuine banter between potential couples, which is about building up and creating mutual attraction.
You can always test her out by sending this message via your cellphone:
– Seeing your name pop up on my cellphone screen makes me smile.
If her response is downright rude, you should reply with a proper insult and see how she reacts. Send something like:
– I always smile because you have the same name as my favourite school teacher, and she had no fashion sense like you. She was colour blind, so what’s your excuse?
MEAN BUSINESS
Yes that may hit her where it hurts, but you can’t allow her meanspiritedness to keep raising its ugly head. You are not a punchball for her verbal abuse.
She needs to know that she constantly crosses the boundaries, and that you’ll give as good as it gets. It will soon come to a halt if she knows that you’ll happily dish out mean words too, as that will put her nose out of joint.
Yet she may embrace reciprocal teasing, and your banter could actually start the ball rolling to begin a romantic relationship if there’s already a connection between you two.
You mention that she hugs you when you leave. Goodbye etiquette can include hugs and kisses on the cheek, so I wouldn’t take that account. Not unless you are the only person, apart from her family and best friends, that she cuddles.
NO-GO RELATIONSHIP
To be honest it doesn’t sound like a romance is about to blossom. Even if it did, I don’t believe that family or friends would approve of someone clearly lacking manners and politeness.
It appears to be time to rid yourself of a so-called friend who doesn’t mind hurting your feelings. You need to improve your self-esteem, not have it dented, and begin to upgrade your friendship group.
Check out my flirting tips on how to attract a lady, but be prepared to run away when there are lots of red flags.
You should focus on the future, and keep following the traditional Jamaican expression of “negative energy is a waste of energy” once you have got this ill-mannered female friend out of your life.
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