Worth Continuing When He’s Not Head Over Heels?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I was seriously dating for a year before the love rat ran away with a younger woman in November.
I entered a new relationship a month later, but on Valentine’s Day I realised that maybe it was a mistake. I’ve lost heart with him because he wasn’t bothered on 14 February about doing anything special, and he only bought me one cheap gift.
Should I continue with him despite his casual treatment, leaving me dissatisfied in this relationship?
Donna, MoBay
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It sounds as though he is not ‘the one’, and perhaps the reason that he’s not putting his whole heart into the relationship is because he’s wary of you.
As you were only briefly single, the fact is that after a while this man could consider that you two are only in a rebound partnership. It’s considered to be a rebound relationship when at least one party has leaped from one romance to another.
You certainly appear to be in a rebound relationship, swooping to find someone following the pain of your heartache. You’re showing the typical trait of a person on the rebound, failing to inform your partner what you want from this new relationship as otherwise he would have made more effort on 14 February.
Use a quick checklist to see if you fit into the category of a rebounding partner:
-Do you also treat this latest relationship casually like your boyfriend?;
– Are you still emotionally attached to your ex and therefore holding back your emotional intimacy?;
– Is the only contact with him when you feel lonely or upset? And;
– Can you genuinely satisfy each other’s needs in the short-term or long-term?
If you split up with this latest beau, how long will it take for you to jump into another man’s arms? You surely don’t wish to earn a reputation as a serial dater.
You were only dating for a year before him. As you refer to that previous partnership as serious, you must undertake some soul-searching and ensure that your hurt has been alleviated. You sound hurt still, especially as you call him a love rat. Have you realistically moved past your feelings about your ex?
Many couples enter a more casual relationship for convenience, while they keep their eyes peeled for an upgrade. This scenario sounds like you. You’re probably already considering moving on to yet another relationship if this ends.
As it sounds as though your latest squeeze is romantically disinterested, with his blase attitude for St. Valentine’s Day, if you wish to rescue the relationship it’s essential that you let him know your true feelings.
This new partner may want things to work out, but has taken a step back as he’s probably beginning to feel mistreated for whatever reason. Maybe he believes that you only got involved with him to fill the romantic void in your life. You should open up the channels of communication to establish what the issues are and what any potential future holds for you as a couple.
My advice has always been the adage of “if in doubt go without”. As you already want to throw in the towel following one big blip, is there any point in considering a romance with him?
For your relationship to have any semblance of progressing you’ll both need to show devotion. It sounds like neither of you are committed. All the time that you’re unhappily together with the wrong person, you’re wasting each other’s time because you could each find joy with the right person.
If there’s no chance of making this latest relationship work, instead of hunting down a new man as a swift replacement then take your time until you are emotionally ready for another romance.
I urge you not to rush into another relationship until you unearth someone where you both value each other, and have the same high commitment, to fully appreciate being part of a truly magical couple.
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