Why Is My Ex So Bothered About My Christmas Plans? Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
My ex seems interested by what I am doing leading up to Christmas, including who I am communicating with.
I am scratching my head and clutching at straws to know what are the real reasons behind this behaviour?
Lewis, Hanover
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It sounds to me as the lady in question has most likely suffered the trauma of divorced parents, with the festive season triggering these emotions that make her feel the desire to be loved.
She probably wanted her parents to get back together and live happily ever after, so her knee-jerk reaction is to check up on any exes in a comfortable yet familiar manner (Storge) and/or try to recreate what her parents failed to achieve and work things out (Philia).
Everyone seemingly gets hurt by relationships, whether they are with family, friends, lovers or work colleagues. But as the traditional Jamaican adage states “Negative energy is a waste of energy”.
Storge is the name for the Greek love that relies on familiarity. This is not so much about physical attraction and romance, instead it relies on a natural form of affection and is often found between children and their parents.
If your split was fairly amicable then maybe she just is checking that you are happy and healthy, because she suffered heartache all those years ago so wanted to keep a close eye on you without intruding.
Should she have made it obvious that she was “interested” in what you were up, then it was most likely that she wanted to ensure that you she was there for you as she cared or that she wanted to find out if you were available.
That leads me onto Philia, namely affectionate love and friendship, which was what I should imagine originally brought the two of you together in the first place.
Finding someone who has endured similar difficulties often brings single people together, as they have a common denominator that keeps them in constant contact.
This is always a wonderful foundation for a long-term relationship, which over time can turn romantic. Friends first and lovers second is definitely the best way to a solid and meaningful partnership.
The Greeks valued this type of love, felt among friends who have endured tricky romantic times, because of the mutual empathy and respect.
Your ex is potentially just being protective towards you and other former partners that she values. Yet she is also undertaking this process leading up to Christmas to selfishly fulfil her own needs because of her past experience.
Just in the same manner that any partners who followed in the footsteps of her father and mother were never going to be good enough, she wants to check that her exes have all failed to find someone as wonderful as her. That is probably only going on the strength of photos viewed on social media channels, which is a bit of a shallow yet necessary trawl for her to satisfy herself.
So please tread carefully with her, and show the respect that she warrants as long as she does not overstep any boundaries that make you feel uncomfortable by her checking up on you from afar.
However, should you suddenly discover that she is finding excitement through constantly bothering you through engagement (comments, likes, shares etc) on social media platforms, then simply block her rather than have a confrontation.
Tis the season to be as jolly as Santa and to spread goodwill, so show your generous spirit and let this particular ex see how fantastic your character is that she has missed out on this Christmas for whatever reason. Remember that character never fades, but good looks will.
The different forms of love according to the ancient Greeks
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