Negative Outburst Has Left Me Unsure Of Our Romantic Future – Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I am confused as my girlfriend, of almost a year, stunned me by telling me “I am better off without you” just before I jetted off to the United States.
I am devastated, but I have decided to concentrate on work in LA. I just do not know if we are on a break or not. Should I contact her or leave her alone?
K, Kingston 12
Love Doctor’s Answer:
If this was said in the heat of the moment, in a rage or under the influence of alcohol then you are best to leave her to calm down. Regardless, potentially giving you anxiety before you go off to work in LA is not pleasant.
If she meant it then unfortunately that is a big blow to your relationship, and she has lost respect for you. Having someone value you in a partnership is important, but it sounds as though she could be the jealous type.
The perceived glitz and glamour of LA is what was probably worrying her. If she loves you then she was showing her protective side as she may have become concerned that you could get your head turned.
Relationships are generally built around the 80/20 rule, which is that a man should chase the lady for 80 per cent of the time until you are settled down and things are running smoothly. Yet in this instance my advice is to leave her to fall on her sword and wait for her to make contact with you.
Her 20 per cent of chasing will come into play if she remains interested in you. So expect some messages and cell phone calls asking how things are. Keeping the communication flowing but short ‘n’ sweet, you could even receive an apology.
However, should she be jealous of you then these messages and/or calls will be quite barbed. I urge you to avoid confrontation and keep communication between the two of you to a minimum. Good communication is a vital aspect in a growing relationship, but written messages can easily get misconstrued and over-analysed.
She may have seen you jetting off to LA as the golden opportunity to lay the foundations for a break-up. Maybe the honeymoon period for her has ended, perhaps she has become dissatisfied with the partnership. Or she wants to meet new people as her romantic bubble has burst with respect to being committed and exclusive to you.
Either way, her words were deliberately hurtful. Of course she may be challenging you, to see if you are bored of her or to try to discover whether you really do plan a future together.
This time away from each other offers you both an opportunity to think about how your relationship could progress, or whether you simply need to draw a line under it.
If you get your head turned in LA, and men are visual creatures so it could happen, then it shows that you are not fully committed to her and she is correct with her statement.
I suggest that you initially consider that now you have had your year of fun whether you want to start seriously thinking about making a life with this lady. Is she your best friend and soul mate? Or is she just someone who wanted a storybook love affair that was built on passion?
It is a bitter blow to be criticised, especially when you least expect it, by your partner and the trust starts to evaporate. You need to explore why she might have said that and delve a little deeper.
Best thing to do, without revealing what she said, is to ask those who know you best and ask whether they see you and this lady together in the long term. Such a direct question to friends and maybe family should result in upfront answers, which will help you decide whether you still wish to spend time with this woman who has upset you with her words.
If you have common interests, the connection is there and look out for each other then you have more than friendship. If she is less interested in you on your return from the United States then you have to strongly consider whether she is worth pursuing. Rebuilding what you had before her outburst is going to be an emotionally draining experience if she is going to continue in that vein.
Maybe she is seeking more of a commitment from you, as I do not know the context in which she uttered the words “I am better off without you”. Men tend to want short-term relationships but long-term careers, whereas it is usually the reverse for women.
With St. Valentine’s Day having just passed, she may have wanted you to show more romance as it was your first time as a couple on 14 February. Ladies often wish to tweak and change their man. And men box clever by letting the woman in their life truly believe that is actually happening.
She may have been frustrated that you were going away without her. But her misconduct has obviously put the seeds of doubt into your romantic relationship.
Yet her words are meaningless if her actions do not line up, so it is not time to totally panic. Yes this is a red flag, but you now can use this time away from her and her words to decide whether her bold statement was correct.
If you feel the same as her, and believe that you are better off without her, then do not prolong the agony of a dying relationship – end it in the nicest way possible.
On the other hand, if you can pinpoint what she was referring to exactly then concentrate on what needs improvement to get your romance back on track.
Start by doing personal and meaningful things, such as leaving her an unexpected love note or surprise her with a small present. But wait for at least a month after you have been back from LA, otherwise she may well believe that you are only undertaking these actions as you feel guilty and that will just open up a can of worms.
Ensure you pick up a thoughtful gift for her from LA, and let her know when you next meet how extremely special she is to you. The very best gift you can ever give anyone is your time, so make that your priority.
Start being a better boyfriend with behaviour that reflects your affection and devotion towards this lady. If you can genuinely make her feel like the queen of your world then she will value you and the storybook love story she craves.
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