No One Measures Up To My Ex-Husband, How Do I Move On? Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I don’t want to die alone and I’m wondering what is wrong with me. Since my divorce, over 15 years ago, I find myself flitting from one relationship to another. These usually last only up to three years as I believe that I will never find anyone as good as my ex-husband.
He was ‘the one’. No one will measure up to his looks and personality. He is happily married in his new life with a younger wife than me, and they have a child together.
I’m over him emotionally, but I now want my forever man and not just a substitute. I am almost 50 years old, have a good career, have no children. I am beginning to worry about the future during the pandemic, how do I move on with my life?
Chery, St. Andrew
Love Doctor’s Answer:
You appear to be over-scrutinizing the whole episode as you currently have time on your hands, but you really do not need to waste your energy on this. There are two Jamaican adages to begin to follow, namely ‘Focus on the future’ and ‘Negative energy is a waste of energy’.
It is understandable during these turbulent times to concentrate on what could have been, and how you have let this man you truly loved out of your life. For whatever reasons you two did split up, it was the right decision at the time and neither of you should have regrets.
You obviously have deep-rooted feelings for him still, and for many people in meaningful relationships they will forever love each other after the break-up – just not romantically.
As he is the yardstick for other potential suitors, you may find that no man will ever measure up to him in terms of looks and personality. But you two divorced 15 years ago and I hate to be the bearer of bad news but looks fade, character will not. You two, even if I waved a magic wand and got you back together with his wife and child having never existed, may have grown apart over the years and could now be stuck in a staid relationship.
If you love someone set them free is an expression often used, and my advice is to love yourself and set yourself free from this overthinking about him being ‘the one’. You are beating a dead horse by dissecting what you enjoyed with him, but that was in a different era and not 2021.
He probably still thinks about you with great fondness, but he has planned out his life and got on with it by finding love with a younger lady than you and also becoming a parent. As you two did not have a child together then there is nothing to keep you in constant contact. As he is screwing up your relationships, simply because you have decided to keep him on a pedestal, you need to start afresh in seeking a suitor.
You mention that since you divorced you have enjoyed relationships that were a maximum of three years. That length of time is not particularly short, as for most partners they tend to rush in and the relationship comes crashing down once the lust has died after around a year. The next six months are often spent with each partner going through the motions and seeking a back-up plan or escape route, then hey presto one of them tells the other that it is not working and that you are making each other unhappy.
I suggest that you need to think back to the time before you met your ex-husband and the sort of men that truly thrilled you. If you can harp back to those exciting times, then it is a start for you to realise that before he came crashing into your life you were happy in romances. You should begin to compile a list of all the assets of those men you dated to build up what you are really seeking for a long-term partner.
The majority of people have absolutely no idea what they want their ‘forever partner’ to be like and look like realistically, instead they are adamant about what they don’t want. We all learn from our mistakes so use your dating history as an opportunity for you to seize and pick what you desire from a future husband. You must not ever get involve with a diluted version of your ex-husband, as he would obviously will not fulfil your needs and desires for very long.
You sound as though you have suffered heartbreak from this divorce so decided to throw yourself into a career, therefore swerving motherhood. As you are fast approaching the milestone age of half a century then having a child is probably out of the question, and you are starting to panic by believing you will die alone and unloved. This is natural and many people suffer from some sort of mid-life crisis coming up to 40 or 50.
If you truly want a particular job you would pull out all of the stops to achieve this, the same applies for finding a suitor. You need to take the bull by the horns and start your preparation while you have some time. This can be changing your look, upgrading the places you visit or even starting to socialise at places where you would enjoy the company of others. It is time to start taking yourself out of your comfort zone and get an upgrade in as many departments as possible – especially in the romance department.
Preparation and planning are key to moving forward with your long-term goals. Now is the time for you to decide if you have entered other romantic relationships for the right reasons. If you didn’t wish to be alone then you will flit between potential suitors, but these won’t be meaningful relationships and you are effectively wasting your time not being with the right man.
You are relatively young, so now is the perfect opportunity in taking your first steps to finding a serious relationship without compromising. No good waiting for Cupid to fire your heart, you need to ignite it and forget about your ex-husband. He may have been Mr Wonderful, but not so wonderful that you lived happily ever after. Your next soulmate lies in wait, but you must beat a path to him slowly and surely without letting the past interfere so ‘Focus on the future’.
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