Why Can’t I Find ‘The One’ When I’m In My 40s? – Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I want to find ‘the one’ as I’ve been single throughout this COVID-19 pandemic and I’m finding that the lack of socialising is no fun.
How will I know from one date if he will be my future husband? I’m attractive, divorced, have no children, plenty of friends and a good career. Why can’t I find this special person when I am only in my early 40s?
Sophie Westmoreland
Love Doctor’s Answer
Finding that seemingly elusive special someone does not always need to be love at first sight like the movies.
Love at first sight is rare and is usually mistaken when it is merely sheer desperation or hungry lust.
Building up a caring and loving relationship takes time. The more time and attention you invest romantically in the person the more likely you are to get a return on your dividends.
The feeling of being in love is extra special, and having romance in your life is extremely important for some but not others.
You have done a splendid sales pitch that explains exactly you are a catch, so use that information on dates. However, it does rather sound as though you have concentrated on a career but are now having a bit of mid-life crisis about settling down and feeling loved.
Fortunately there are no barriers for love, which includes age and you are actually in the prime of life in your mid-40s.
The coronavirus crisis has left so many people feeling lonely and evaluating their life. Too often we demand instant results, so nowadays we judge people on looks rather than character. It is a person’s character that will remain when the good looks start fading. So the glue that you need to hold you together with a potential future husband is character.
Obviously you need to compile a list of the characteristics that you desire in you next partner, but don’t expect your dream man to appear laden with all of these.
You will be probably be pleasantly surprised about the other good traits that certain men possess that you didn’t consider. I’m not suggesting that you lower your standards, just don’t be so adamant about what must tick your boxes. Many ladies in their 40s have been divorced, so many of them simply seek a companion with financial security rather finding than true love. My advice is to follow your heart as that provides the real answer about love.
You also need to work out whether you’ve been looking in the right pools when seeking your ideal man, otherwise you will end up kissing a lot of frogs and find it tricky to meet your very own Prince Charming.
When you meet any potential partners for the very first date you may feel an instant tingle. But even if that happens you should ensure you have another date before you can tell whether a relationship is worth pursuing, as that tingle may vanish when you next meet. In the same way that you don’t impulse buy, although many ladies do in respect of handbags and shoes, you need a second look at the ‘goods’ to determine whether this man is actually long-term material.
Be prepared for your date, they will want to know about you. But let’s be honest, when he is showering you with compliments you won’t care too much about his background and can surely find out more on the second date.
Remember that you can easily scare off a man if you pose too many questions on the first date, instead look for common interests rather than fire off the same words he has countlessly heard before about his baggage, career, reason he is single and so forth. Don’t let him feel that he has been to a job interview!
My advice is dazzle rather act like a reporter on your initial date, and gradually get to know the person behind their good looks. If he shows interest in you then remember to correctly read his body language and return some classic female body language, such as subtly mirroring his gestures and/or playing with your hair.
Women will want a man to be a man and you can find one. Just don’t reek of desperation and discuss marriage early on, that would be a massive leap that could send him running to the hills.
You need a step-by-step plan and you can follow my advice for a man in a similar situation by reading my advice at https://jablogz.com/2021/03/how-do-i-attract-a-better-looking-potential-partner-help-me-love-doctor.
Once you are armoured with a plan and know what you want, plus socialising returns to a semblance of normality, then you will find yourself needing to invest in a stick to fight off the admirers. My advice is to ideally seek someone on the same level as you in terms of background, education, intelligence, looks and more importantly values.
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