Can I Repair Lost Love Caused By Jealousy?
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Question:
I’ve been waiting for almost two years to hear from my former boyfriend after I walked away.
I did something dreadful to him and then disappeared because I got madly jealous. I’ve realised that my jealousy at the time was a total misunderstanding.
I’ve not dated since our split because I remain heartbroken. I’ve seen his social media posts and like me is single.
As he was 100 per cent the one for me, and we had amazing times until my fit of jealousy, I was hoping that he would send me a Valentine’s Day card.
Nothing arrived, which has made me realise that I want to reach out because I miss him madly. What’s the best plan to get his attention again?
B, Westmoreland
Love Doctor’s Answer:
A broken romantic relationship is frequently hard to stomach, especially for the person who has been dismissed. Time is the only healer to mend a broken heart, which tends to take three years.
By admitting that you were wrong to exit his life, as you were so consumed by jealously, is a positive step forwards to potentially repairing your former romance.
Your misinterpretation of your ex-partner’s behaviour triggered defensive jealousy as you felt threatened, maybe his friendly behaviour to the opposite sex triggered this.
However, you also state that you did something untoward. This could prove to be a massive barrier in rekindling your relationship.
Whatever the bad deed was, you need to take full responsibility and ultimately apologise to your ex-boyfriend. Hopefully this relationship isn’t irreparable because of your untoward actions.
GREEN-EYED MONSTER
The green-eyed monster of jealousy is a protective mechanism for a plethora of reasons. These include the fear of abandonment, insecurity and trust issues.
Yet if your jealousy was because of possessiveness, this is unhealthy and can be controlling. This tends to happen when there’s high dependency on the partner or emotional vulnerability within the partnership.
What you need to explore, through some soul searching, is whether your fit of jealousy was fuelled by fear or deep-rooted love.
You obviously care enough about this man to monitor his social media, and are clearly not stalking him. Maybe the reason for this is because you’ve been waiting to compare yourself to his next love interest after you, but that hasn’t happened.
EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE
It sounds like he’s emotionally unavailable following his abandonment. This may have triggered him to shut down socialising with the opposite sex and withdrawn his thoughts about entering another intimate relationship.
I suggest that you produce an olive branch by sending a small gift to his workplace or home with a brief message of “Trust that all’s well, been thinking about you and it would be lovely to have a catch up soon. B x”.
The ball is in his court to respond, and as you’ve heard nothing since your split then it is anyone’s guess that he will make the effort to reply.
Do check that you haven’t blocked him on email, texts, WhatsApp etc. If you have then unblock him and include your cell phone number at the end of your message.
I suggest that you add an up-to-date full-length photo on WhatsApp, ensuring that you aren’t showing too much flesh, aren’t wearing sunglasses or a hat and that there’s no relatives or a car in this image.
VISUALLY APPEALING
Many people look at WhatsApp photos before reaching out, and as men are highly visual creatures you need to include a photo of yourself looking hot but wearing clothes that he won’t recognise.
Sending a small, and not lavish, gift with a brief message is an attempt to build up trustworthiness.
If you get a reply then stick to the 2-1 psychology trick of only sending your former beau three sentences and ensuring that the word I is absent. The first two short sentences need to be positives about him and must never be disingenuous. With your final sentence convey what you wish to say, but don’t offer a yes or no response from him.
It is never too late to potentially repair your jealousy mistake, as long as you take the correct approach. If you manage to meet up, avoid going somewhere with alcohol as drinking could led to words from one of you that you don’t really mean.
SHORT-TERM FIX
You’re looking for a short-term fix and moving forward could be a slow process, even if the sparks are still there. You need to rebuild mutual respect and trust following your exit two years ago.
What you are trying to establish is whether you grow to be a compatible couple again.
I believe that although jealousy and some other act caused your break up, there’s highly likely to be elements of romanticism from you within this last relationship. In other words you want to be his everything because he loves you, and you were deeply disappointed not to receive a Valentine’s Day card.
TAKE THE BLAME
Before you contemplate sending a small gift and message, be realistic to yourself about whether you can shoulder the blame for the split. You’ve already taken responsibility. He will need reassurance.
Jealousy won’t just disappear should you rekindle your relationship, but there’s a big difference between acting jealous and feeling jealous.
You’ll need to curb these in order to work together with your ex towards a healthy and meaningful romantic relationship. You can even ask him to help you when you are at war with the green-eyed monster.
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